BULLYING - THERE ARE MANY ADULTS GUILTY
Thursday, November 07, 2013
there is a lot of attention paid to kids/adolescent bullying - and rightfully so.
but my experience for my entire life has been adults bullying me. decades ago, when an adult admonished a child it was called 'telling you for your own good' and you had no choice in the matter cause you were a kid and you knew nothing - you had no feelings - you just better MIND WHAT WAS TOLD TO YOU.
there was the constant - 'you are too fat, stop eating ' 'you are lazy' all through my teens and early twenties ' you are so pretty too bad your body does not match - one of my aunts said to me, in front of five of my peers - 'you have the face of an angel but the body of an elephant' . needless to say - if there was a hole i would have jumped into it. instead i nervously laughed and went into the house - my friends were going off to have fun - but i could not face any body.
i told my mom - but she said - 'oh she means well and is only trying to help'.
i married a horrible bully- he still does all of the name calling and intimidation to me. even tho i did everything - from taking care of the kids, the house, pay bills, shopping - preparing meals and the other million things we women do - i am constantly ridiculed and told i am stupid. i don't know how to do anything.
when i try to please - follow orders - try harder - there is never a compliment. it is either 'it is about time you did something right' - or ' you do things without any thought - and it shows'.
that is all i do - is think about it.
i am wanting to know what to do about being degraded and humiliated in public.
yelled at - or given the silent treatment. there is no conversation - no communication because he has decided he is 100% in the right -
i know that bullies have no self esteem and that certainly applies to him - he won't accept any help - there is no reasoning with him.
is there some organization for ADULT BULLYING? to defend myself - to get it to stop?
i have gone on the internet - anything you comment on wants your personal email or/and information and i am not going to do that.
i am dealing with mental illness - care giving - and just too much that it is over whelming. i am drowning in this- i ask every morning why do i have to do this all over again. there is nothing to look forward to - hope is not an option any more cause it is just another nail into my coffin.
i am weary - tired - humorless - i love my dogs - they love me back -
i need a plan.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
First of all how I am to hear of such a lovely person being treated this way.
Remember, if you need me Spark mail me. I CARE & just am not able to follow blogs as they are written.
I am glad you received support from the community. I too, know ALL these feelings & was in an abusive relationships for years. All of us burden bearers are worn. then having someone break your spirit is TOO much !
I say you are being abused & maybe because you were bullied as a child you have come to accept this as your reality.
I like the quote on Spark... Your desire to change MUST be greater than your desire to stay the same.
If you want a different outcome then as some have suggested YOU must stop allowing yourself to be a punching bag.
What advice would you give to your daughter if she came to you mimicking this same problem ? Care about yourself enough to demand BETTER !
My first step would be to for guidance & wisdom in how to do this . I don't think you becoming tough, angry & negative will help in the long run. this I speak from experience.
Know that I care & am here. Keep me posted
1687 days ago
This is very difficult no doubt. You've already received many good worthy suggestions.
I too feel that way on occasion. My husband is a lot of the time, like yours. He is an alcoholic and has deep seated self esteem issues both of which he disguises beautifully with anyone he is trying to impress. They would never know that he isn't always just the nicest guy and the life of the party. He only seems to do this on a regular basis with me. Sometimes with my oldest son, but mainly with me. I am his rock. He believes that I will always be there and he is very tired of me. He is a guy who wants to be loved and adored and anyone who knows him completely just really can't do that "adore" thing very well, even though I loved him for a very long time before the true nature of him became very clear to me. Does he love me at all? Only in a way, not as it should be.
A while back I bought a book about verbally abusive men and what to do about them. It offered me some great insights but I set it aside because it bothered me. I knew where it was headed, or at least I think I do, it's going to tell me to issue an ultimatum backed up with actual follow through.
It might be a good idea to actually finish the book and see if I'm right. Well getting a divorce would be very difficult for me because of the complicating factor of my disabled son. Here's a list of all the other reasons: I have no real money, my professional job now is caregiver for my son, our income is split in half as co guardians, half to him half to me. My previous jobs never paid enough and so I think I can't survive on one income. I would not have the time to do full time work if I'm caring for my son. I'm not rich by a long stretch, but I have lived worse and I don't want to do that again, if not for the handouts by our parents we would not have made it.
I'm a good deal older now and all that that entails. I have no real friends, and only a few that are my husbands friends, meaning they wouldn't stick with me. My family members have all split up and live in different cities, they are only there on a rah-rah level they wouldn't actually provide much physical support. So essentially I literally would be casting myself into the street with a son who is 100% disabled, impossible. Or I would have to abandon even him to make it on my own. That is something I could never ever do.
So after going through all these options and reasons and conclusions over and over again I come to the realization that I need to tough it out. Despite all the verbal crap my husband sends my way, I still stand up to him. You have to or it will be relentless. I'm still not happy with the ways things are. I wonder if I will ever find love in my life, the way I want it, not just the scraps of attention my husband gives me. I try to focus on the good things that my situation brings. I no longer have the stress of my old job (which was itself severe), no commute, no deadlines. I get to keep my son with me, his life is so severe that I can't imagine what would happen if his family was taken from him. My husband and I do relate well on some levels, most of the time. And we've been together for 30 years, why give up now after all the crap we've been through, we're family.
There are so many other pros and cons to the relationship and I see them all. I've always been a gullible pushover even though I've toughen up over the years. If I had known then what I know now, things would have changed but I didn't, and I always tried to make the best choices with the information I had at the time. So I forgive myself for the choices I made, I wish I could have known more back then, but it's water under the bridge now and I can only move forward. I'm rebuilding my life after my son's age change dropped him from the school system at 21 and I was able to start caring for him full time as his professional caregiver. It's causing me to reevaluate everything again. I'm going to pull out that book again and finish reading it, it probably has some more good pointers for me to use in handling my husband.
How does this all relate to you? Just to say that I understand your situation and mix of feelings you are forced to deal with. And your wondering about all the questions you want answered. How and can it be fixed? Well you can fix you, in theory: I think its more just making up your mind finally. Look at it this way, if you were suddenly alone what would you be doing to move forward from there? Then just go ahead and start doing it anyway, just because you can. It doesn't have to be your old life story you had in mind, it can be completely different now. Just start doing things that please you and really enjoy them. One step in front of the other and you will find a way, and THE way. Hang in there, nothing stays the same forever.
1688 days ago
This will continue to happen to you until YOU make it stop. Get out of that battering situation & leave the bullies behind you. It will make you happier & stronger to share your future with people who believe in you, appreciate you & know you matter. Start by LOVING yourself...the rest will come.
1688 days ago
I agree with the other readers that you can only change yourself. I feel empathy for your plight and I would recommend you find away to take some for yourself. It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed and stressed.
1689 days ago
My heart goes out to you I was verbally/mentally abused by my mom and dad , the head games they'd play because I wasn't a boy it seemed I had no value. I just recently had to cut ties with my father after saving his life 3 times from respiratory failure making all the right decisions for him when he couldn't make them for himself and dealing with siblings that didn't care (they only used my parents and got away with it because they were boys).
I didn't know what love was till I met my husband ( my parents didn't like him because he shows me love and would stick up for me bullies don't like to be called out).
I had to break ties with my dad because of the belittling and very disrespectful towards me and did it in front of the doctors , nurses and social workers and he was literally making me sick ( I have lyme and fibromyalgia and stress isn't good for me). I had to make the decision to put myself first for the first time in my life with my dad and you have to do the same!
We have only one life to live , do you really want to live the rest of your life the way your living now? You need help! You need to get away from that abusive man and think of going to a shelter and getting help from someone who knows how to deal with domestic abuse.
You need to love yourself to do this for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't deserve to be treated this way no one does and to be put down on a daily basis makes you feel like you have no value and that's not healthy.
You need to talk to someone , your right you do need a plan I'd start packing a bag and find a local shelter for battered women, you don't need this abuse your to nice of a lady for that.
Put yourself for once and get out of that toxic environment and take that beautiful pom with you!
God bless you!
1689 days ago
Your blog caught my eye and now my heart aches for you. I've read through all the comments and you have some wonderful and supportive friends who have given you some awesome advice. They have given you many suggestions that can hopefully help you develop your "plan".
I love you pups and I'm sure they are a great comfort. Our furry friends give us unconditional love.
Will be thinking of you.
1689 days ago
There are arrogent adult bullys everyday that put people down and no one calls them out for it unforunatly too many bystanders are ok with it. i worked with a manager who bullied some people. it stopped when she saw me. The person knew i was on a committee with managers above her and they knew i was bluntly honest. she is no longer there.
. try finding a group like TOPs or a self-defence class where people can be encouraging and supportive.
1689 days ago
I agree with Christy 100%. You can't fix anyone else, you can't change anyone else, the only person you control is yourself. You need to work on yourself. When you have dealt with the issues that allow you to be treated this way, you won't allow it any more.
1689 days ago
I would start with working on you... If you know he has a problem and he cannot or refuses to change or even acknowledge it figure out what you can do for yourself to make life better for you. Start by going to your doctor and sharing whats going on in your personal life... They might have excellent resources to refer you to and possibly a social worker who can help with ideas or approaches for your situation. You might want to also see if you qualify for an anti-depressant. I dont know you or your situation but I am going to make a grand assumption here that it must be very depressing to be constantly put down regardless of what you do.
You could also seek help from a counselor/therapist. You can start seeing them and expressing your frustrations and grief. Maybe your husband will join you after he sees you going. Maybe your husband will be inspired to go himself to work on his own issues that cause him to be verbally/emotionally abusive. (This is something I personally did... I had to get counseling to get the strength to leave my husband but before that we had to figure out what kept me there and why was I basically so "addicted" to being treated like garbage.
Lastly, if you are at the point that life is awful and you are losing hope - LEAVE!!!! GET OUT! There is a world and a better life out there for you. Reach out to other women who are also victims of emotional abuse via website, message board, support group or even facebook groups.
There is a difference between childhood bullying and being in an abusive relationship... The terminology changes as we become of age because we know right from wrong...
And please remember like you said - he has a problem. You are not the problem..... BUT you do need to be part of the solution - reach out for help - I dont know what form of help that may end up being right for you - but you need to find out what it is.
I support you! You are worth it! You are beautiful! You are loving! You are kind! You are special! You are amazing! You are inspiring! You are strong!
1689 days ago
Adult bullies are ABUSERS!!!! Please go and see someone - counselling - just for yourself. They can set you up with a group to talk about what is going on in your life. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE should put up with being abused!!! Please let me know how you are doing!! You can send me a message or you can post it. Take care of yourself - PLEASE!!!
1689 days ago
The organization you are asking about is called Battered Women Shelter, bullying is battering and is abusive behavior. IT can only happen if one allows it to happen to them. Seeking help at the local women's shelter is an answer. In fact, when I went to get my mammogram, they had brochures asking if I had been abused, bullied, etc and numbers and contacts to seek help.
I was raised by a bullying mother who was also physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I sought counseling during an alcoholic marriage and found help.
"Nobody can step on me unless I get down on the ground."
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
refusing to allow the treatment is the only way to stop it.
1689 days ago
I hear you on this topic about adult bullying. I dealt with bullying when I was younger but I still do as an adult. It's sad when the people who are suppose to support you and love you unconditionally resort to this kind of toxic behaviour "BULLYING". And for your aunt to say that to you is rude! I had my fair share from some relatives but my parents and brother were the worst! Also (in the past) I dealt with some co-workers and a boss like that too. I'm really sorry you are having to deal with people in your family treating you like that and especially your husband. I've read some articles online and self help books to help me deal with toxic people. The website Tinybuddha.com has a lot of helpful articles.
1689 days ago
Comment edited on: 11/7/2013 5:03:32 PM
1689 days ago
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