Thursday, November 07, 2013
I went to my first OA meeting last night. I binged before and after on sweets in embarrassing quantity. I wrote in my last entry about the struggle I was experiencing. Well, I was obsessing yesterday about an eclair I saw in the teacher's lounge. On my way home from school, I had to pray every time I went by a Dunkin Donuts because I wanted to stop and get a donut so bad.
I tried to identify my feelings, and I guess I just felt tired and discomfort. I just felt empty. I didn't necessarily feel overwhelmed. I've been learning to deal with my responsibilities at work a little better, not allowing it to totally overwhelm me, recognizing that I won't do everything perfectly, and it's making me feel a lot better. I might not have that sense of urgency that helped me get a lot more done, but for now, I feel like I am doing my best.
Anyway, I prayed my way home. I made it home without stopping, but I had date night plans with my boyfriend and planned to eat a crepe even though it's not in my plan. When I got home, I was sorting mail in the dining room, when I overheard my parents talking about hiding food from me. My stepdad said, "It's not that I don't want her to eat it. I just don't want her to eat it all." and my mom said, "I just don't think she can help herself."
Well, that was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it didn't make me want to change. I just wanted to act out. I did, however, decide I belonged at an OA meeting as I cried harder than I have in a long time. I was angry, humiliated, and so frustrated.
I ended up eating some of their food even though I was angry at them for saying that (even though my anger was derived with the anger towards myself). It gave me such shame.
I went to the meeting, which provided some comfort. I tried to open my mind to what the speaker said, but she called herself "recovered" (something we don't do in NA) and she said she stuck to her plan "perfectly." These words made me feel so flawed, like I would never achieve that.
Maybe it is what I need to hear. I think I will keep going and find a sponsor and meal plan that's right for me. I did like that they talk a lot about "binge foods" and abstaining completely from those foods. I certainly have been aware of "trigger foods," as I liked to call them, that often set me off track, such as any sugar, any simple carbs, artificial sweeteners, peanut butter, and plain greek yogurt. I have been trying to justify latter two for a long time now. Maybe it's time to truly get honest with myself.
I prayed this morning, my first selfless prayer in a while. I prayed that I could be a better girlfriend, daughter, teacher, sister, and friend. This is my usual prayer, but I haven't said it nor meant it in a while. I'm just tired of being so self-centered. I mean, I canceled date plans with my boyfriend because of my psychotic breakdown yesterday. He deserves for me to be present and not obsessed with food all the time. My mom deserves to be able to speak to truth without me going crazy on her (like I wanted to and still want to - I gave her the silent treatment this morning.) I'm an adult. I should be able to handle the truth, especially about myself, so I can strive to become better. I don't have to be like this forever. I can and deserve to get better.