Still healing after Boston

Sunday, November 03, 2013

On October 20th, I ran my first marathon since Boston, it did not go well. My time was 3:54:57, which isn't horrible, but for me it is. I had been sick with a stomach bug, since Thursday, so I had not eaten much. I had also been nursing a sore right thigh. So, physically I was not 100% and knew it. Little did I realize, emotionally, I was nowhere near ready to be running.

My emotions were in check until I hit mile 25. As I look back now, subconsciously, I don't think that I wanted to reach the finish line. The closer I got to the finish line, the harder it got for me to breathe. I chalked it up to be physically spent. However, once I crossed the finish line, panic set in. It came so quickly that I didn't realize what was happening. I couldn't breathe and cried uncontrollably. My first worry was where my husband and children were. My children were not in Boston, thank goodness, but they were worried about me running again. I also remember telling my husband that the boom is coming, we have to get out of finishers area. I kept looking over my shoulder and waiting.

I have never felt such panic attack like I did that day. I have had other times when I get jumpy, like if a balloon pops and I'm not expecting it and certain smells will send me back to April 15th. Most of the time I can talk myself back to where I am and I don't flip out. However, that day, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact I wasn't in Boston. It took my husband, looking me straight in the eye, telling me that everyone is fine and I am going to be ok.

I honestly thought that I was over all the stress of what happened in Boston. I now realize that I'm not. I have seem to cry whenever I watch any coverage of the bombing. I cried today, watching the New York City marathon when they would start talking about Boston. I cried when the Red Sox won the World Series and the TV showed Boylston Street and I could see the finish line.

I am set to run again on May 10th, in Fargo. I am really hoping that I am able to cope and to run much better.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon I cannot imagine what it must be like for you. I salute you for not giving up. emoticon

    Judy emoticon
    1946 days ago
    Hugs! I salute your bravery in getting back out there. It will get better in time...
    1962 days ago
    Thank you all for the kind words, they mean a lot.
    1962 days ago
    1963 days ago
  • PGHP31CK

    First-- congratulations on finishing another marathon!

    I'm sending huge hugs your way. I read your blog where you describe running in the Boston Marahon, and what I'm hearing you describe in today's blog sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

    I'm glad that your DH was there at the finish line in October to remind you that everything was OK.

    A very gentle suggestion -- please find and talk with a professional who has dealt with PTSS. That person can help you develop strategies to cope with the sights, sounds, and smells that trigger your memories.

    Cheering you on!

    1963 days ago
    Some things we never get over.
    Run On.
    1963 days ago
    I also was a bit stressed watching the NYC marathon. My son worked on it. My heart was there.
    1963 days ago
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