Still healing after Boston
Sunday, November 03, 2013
On October 20th, I ran my first marathon since Boston, it did not go well. My time was 3:54:57, which isn't horrible, but for me it is. I had been sick with a stomach bug, since Thursday, so I had not eaten much. I had also been nursing a sore right thigh. So, physically I was not 100% and knew it. Little did I realize, emotionally, I was nowhere near ready to be running.
My emotions were in check until I hit mile 25. As I look back now, subconsciously, I don't think that I wanted to reach the finish line. The closer I got to the finish line, the harder it got for me to breathe. I chalked it up to be physically spent. However, once I crossed the finish line, panic set in. It came so quickly that I didn't realize what was happening. I couldn't breathe and cried uncontrollably. My first worry was where my husband and children were. My children were not in Boston, thank goodness, but they were worried about me running again. I also remember telling my husband that the boom is coming, we have to get out of finishers area. I kept looking over my shoulder and waiting.
I have never felt such panic attack like I did that day. I have had other times when I get jumpy, like if a balloon pops and I'm not expecting it and certain smells will send me back to April 15th. Most of the time I can talk myself back to where I am and I don't flip out. However, that day, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact I wasn't in Boston. It took my husband, looking me straight in the eye, telling me that everyone is fine and I am going to be ok.
I honestly thought that I was over all the stress of what happened in Boston. I now realize that I'm not. I have seem to cry whenever I watch any coverage of the bombing. I cried today, watching the New York City marathon when they would start talking about Boston. I cried when the Red Sox won the World Series and the TV showed Boylston Street and I could see the finish line.
I am set to run again on May 10th, in Fargo. I am really hoping that I am able to cope and to run much better.