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The FDA or the EPA needs to test the water in Dallas.

Friday, November 01, 2013

Either that, or it's a full moon. Hang on, let me check...

Nope! Waning crescent! So it must be in the water.

Lord have mercy. I marvel at the state of humanity in this town. I really do. Today was quite the eventful day. I'm not mad. I'm just thunderstruck and am in danger of having my nose cave in from facepalming so much.

Where to begin... hmmm, let's see...

Well, I woke up to NO e-mails, beautiful sunny weather, and a pile of cat vomit on the carpet. After ignoring the cat vomit in hopes that the other one would eat it so I wouldn't have to clean it up (an effective coping strategy in my house, strange to say), I had my breakfast and vacated the house to go to a trail in another city that I had been meaning to go to. I was packing up all my gear and the phone started ringing. And my message notifications started beeping. And my text notifications started clanging or whatever it is they do. I said "NOPE!" and after checking my fifteen e-mails all labelled URGENT (none of which were actually urgent), I switched off my phone and headed to the trail.

First the good news. Despite the gusty conditions, I tore up the trail and made a new personal record! I was quite pleased. The bad news? Meanderthals on the trail. And yuppie d-bags and their horses, er, Great Danes who would NOT MOVE ASIDE. Well, heh heh... you see... Mrs. Karlsson kind of forgot to turn her filter on this morning... and, heh heh... she kind of forgot that she was speaking out loud instead of just thinking... and it was the THIRD yuppie scum that she would have had to stop for had she actually stopped... but, well... I looked the woman dead in the eye at 17 miles an hour and said in a rather strong voice "I WILL run you down." Suddenly the pavement miraculously became wider and she found a more convenient place for herself and her elephant, who, by the way, was a gorgeous Great Dane and way more intelligent than his owner, for he had already stepped off the path long before his mommy did. Had the dog not stepped aside, I would have stopped, for I have more sympathy for dogs than I do for entitled yuppies. For one thing, Great Danes have fresher breath and better table manners. There goes my Mother Theresa Humanitarian Award nomination AGAIN. At this rate, I won't be up for it again until the spring of 2245.

(I shall be quick to point out that I have never been attacked by a dog while biking. I consider myself fortunate. Maybe I'm too big to eat. Maybe I sweat Alpha pheromones. Or maybe they've heard of my cats. I don't know. Bottom line: don't lecture me about dogs. I know my time will come.)

I survived my ride and went to Starbucks to get caffeinated. I sat outside because I was sweaty and disgusting. I think the two ladies sitting at the table next to me were stuck in a Groundhog Day loop, because I could swear that about ten minutes in, I started hearing the exact same conversation again. It was very confusing. I escaped and went home to shower before my afternoon appointment.

In the time it took me to turn my phone back on, unpack my bike and carrier, and get into the house, I got seven phone calls, four e-mails, and two texts. After my only appointment for the afternoon, I thought I'd get some work done, but NO!!! Rapid fire phone calls. I stopped answering my phone at about 2:30. I just couldn't take it any more. I couldn't keep up. I think I will just ignore phone calls from now on and only answer e-mails.

Speaking of e-mails, this afternoon's e-mail highlight is a doozy! I received an e-mail from a gentleman who wanted to know if Mr. Karlsson was available to fix his instrument. He said he got the number off my website and wanted to come in at 7:30 Friday night. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that my website introduces me as HEATHER Karlsson, and last time I checked, Heather is not a male name. It is all over my website. It is above my contact information, which he had to read to get the e-mail address. Since I have no patience for Dallas patent lawyers who have no reading comprehension skills, I wrote him back and told him that Mr. Karlsson would not be available until December and that if he were in a hurry he should look elsewhere. He wrote back and said he would. Good riddance to bad rubbish, says I. I guess they don't teach them how to read in law school.

Then my husband came home, and we went to grab a salad and then go to the grocery store. I could go on about that all day, but the highlight was that I was standing in the meat department trying to decide on something and this woman comes right up behind me and clears her throat as loud as she could. I'm not sure what that means on her planet, but I assumed that it meant she had a frog in her throat because SURELY nobody would be rude enough to assume anybody would move out of the way in response to that. Hee hee. If looks could kill, my husband would be inviting you to my funeral. He moved out of her way instead, and she crawled around me to get whatever the heck it was she was after, and I smiled at her and said in my best Southern belle accent "I hope your throat gets better, hon. I know that ol' crud is goin' around." Tsk. Some people just were not raised right.

To top off this spectacular wonderment of a day, when we got home from the store, I got a Facebook message from a friend saying she'd seen a recent picture posted of me and wanted to know if I was pregnant. That did it. I laughed so hard I nearly inconvenienced myself. My husband didn't know how to react, because I know I'm supposed to be hurt and offended and swearing bloody vengeance, but if you knew the woman who sent me the message, you would realize that she really didn't mean any harm, she just wasn't thinking. Guess her filter wasn't working, either. Space cadet.

I think this is MORE than enough evidence that the FDA and the EPA need to intervene and do some tests on our water supply, because something is definitely going on!


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PROT358
    I love how you handled the lady at the supermarket with your sickly sweet reply. For biking maybe you need a megaphone or flashing hazard lights. I know that on trails, at least among runners, there is a code for the slow yielding to the fast . . . simply say "LANE" and it works. My vote still goes to the bike horn!
    1633 days ago
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