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A New Goal

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I have realized the last couple days that I am just as hard, if not harder, on myself now than I was 50 pounds ago. Lately I’ve been inclined to disparage myself and feel guilty, fat and inadequate. I have been trying to figure out why that is. And I think I’ve discovered the source.

I’m crazy. Ha. I’m kidding. Kinda.

I am an intense perfectionist and put a TON of pressure on myself. I am frequently motivated by fear, specifically fear of failure. I have had friends, bosses, and professional coaches tell me this over the years. I’ve agreed every time it’s come up. Because I know this about myself. I’m also intensely goal driven and self-motivated. In short, I am my own worst enemy.

I’ve been stuck somewhere between 3.5 and 8 pounds from my goal for months. And recently, it’s left me saying some not very nice things to myself.

Not losing a pound a week = failure. Not forsaking a personal life for weight loss = failure. Not resorting to extreme deprivation to achieve a goal = failure. Not wanting to work out after a long day at the office = failure.

After all, by now (over 18 months since I started), I’m supposed to be a hard core Olympic-level athlete who never eats her emotions or drinks too much wine on a Friday night. I’m supposed to be perfect. And I am so not perfect.

I blogged earlier that I had the fleeting thought of wanting to be normal. And I think that was my subconscious telling me, we’re tired. We’re tired of obsessing and feeling bad and being negative all the time. Time for a rest.

SO, I am going to do as much as I can through the end of the Fall 5% Challenge and then I’m done focusing on losing weight. Wherever I end up at the end of that, I think that’s my new goal weight. Bonus - I will have already achieved it! After that, time to spend that energy on something else.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • HONEYCAT22000
    You are NOT a failure at anything! It is a journey. There is not a finish line. There is a great maintenance/transition to maintenance SP group that is a wonderful community. It is so helpful to see that others have the same feelings you do, and fight the same thoughts. Please extend grace to yourself instead of the way you expressed your disappointment in yourself. You are a winner and a success story. Celebrate yourself where you are today, and the rest takes care of itself.
    1665 days ago
  • NHES220
    I think that makes perfect sense. I picked a goal weight and I am about 30 lbs away and figure by Spring I may be there. But reading your blog, I realize I'll adjust based on how I feel when I get there. The target may be too high or too low and I'll just have to see how it goes and be happy with what I can live with and celebrate that normal.

    1667 days ago
    I agree with Laurel! Time to celebrate your success! Maybe you are already at your body's happy weight! Enjoy it!!!
    1667 days ago
    Wow. I loved the way you expressed yourself in your blog post.

    I think your plan is a great idea. Congratulations on all you've done!!

    1668 days ago
  • MONAKIN314
    For one crazy to another, WAY TO GO! GREAT JOB!
    1668 days ago
    I know exactly what you are feeling. I think I made this same comment on your blog about wanting to feel normal.

    I love SP, but if I dare, I must say that the constant focus on weight loss and exercise is a heavy burden. Even though SP tells us not to worry about being perfect I end up feeling that is exactly what they are pushing us to be. Many times I end up feeling like they expect me to be a "hard core Olympic-level athlete who never eats her emotions or drinks too much wine on a Friday night" just like you said.

    It does become an obsession of sorts and if you need a rest from it all I can surely understand it. You are so close to goal and you have all of the tools you need. I know that even on your own (w/o SP) you will achieve your dream!

    1668 days ago
    That is an excellent plan. You are a huge success at this because you have not only lost the weight, you have maintained that loss.
    1668 days ago
  • KIMPY225
    Keep up the great work! We are all a little crazy sometimes!

    emoticon emoticon
    1669 days ago
    you've done awesome! that last 10 lbs is the hardest to lose. celebrate what you have achieved and work on maintaining. if that last 10 lbs wants to hang around for awhile, so be it. just don't let it overshadow what you have accomplished. that could end badly.
    1669 days ago
    You have come a long way on your weight loss journey. Maybe, it is time to celebrate your success. Hugs, Laurel
    1669 days ago
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