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Leaving Sparkpeople...?

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

This has not been an easy decision for me. I have decided that my time to leave has come. There are so many things I love about Sparkpeople...

*the community
*the people I have met here
*the challenges
*reading blogs
*it started me on a path toward wellness I never thought I would be able to attain
*the teams

However, I am progressing in a way that just doesn't seem to fit with Sparkpeople. I am finding a way to be able to finally be at peace with myself. I have spent the bulk of my adult life on one form of a diet or another. I.Am.Done. I have said this before. Many, many, many times. Somehow I find myself back. The same emotions, the same guilt, the same hatred. I can't do this to myself anymore and expect to find inner peace and true happiness with who and what I am.

I am a good person. I am a good mom. I am a good friend. I am good at a lot of things. I am also good at hating myself. I am good at degrading myself. I am good at picking myself apart. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I found Sparkpeople in early 2007 when I was attempting to lose weight after having my now 7 year old. I thought I stumbled upon a goldmine -- in a way I had! -- I found a community of support, suggestions, input for all of the questions I had. Why was I on a plateau? What workouts were the best? It inspired me but it also fueled the obsessive side of me. That obsessive side is a very predominant side. I progressed further and further down the rabbit hole of what would soon become orthorexia (yes people, I fully believe it is a true condition). I became fully enraptured in a world of clean eating and self hatred. I reached my goal weight after a few months of hard work and never felt like I was enough. I pushed harder and harder, injured myself and started to see some warning signs of things that could possibly be wrong with me. I found intuitive eating and a sense of peace. I devoured intuitive eating and that way to eat and live. I had a stellar pregnancy because of it,but it all went out the window when I started getting weighed post pregnancy and again the emotional upset began and has been an underlying theme for the last two plus years since having my little guy. I do good when I am not on Sparkpeople, but when I come on here I find myself getting wrapped up in it all.

It has nothing to do at all with:
The community
The message boards
The teams
The blogs

It has everything to do with me.

I need to find that right place in my head. I have left my BLC team and am really considering deactivating my account and saying goodbye to this side of me. I just honestly don't see how I can continue down this path with constant images, memes and diet related stuff in my face every time I sign in.

Don't mistake what I am saying, I think that this place can benefit many, many people. I am not one of them. I have been fighting vanity bullsh!t for a long time. I am done with it. My focus has shifted.

I have stumbled upon a good thing. I am eating intuitively again, I am finding happiness. I am eating all the food, I feel day by day I am chipping away at my orthorexic tendencies. I am ashamed at the food shaming I was a part of for so long. I ask everyone to forgive me, because I even put it out there in blogs and message boards. I can't read about it in other's blogs or the message boards because it bothers me. I became a part of that. I lead the Natural Healing team which there was a TON of it there. I perpetuated a lot of it myself. I am not debating that there are foods healthier than others, but as a part of my healing, I feel this is a necessary step for me to take, I have to close the door on that side of me for now. That isn't to say it is a forever thing, it is just one that is necessary for me to proceed in a forward motion in the direction I need to go.

It is a cha-cha for me of one step forward two steps back. Eventually, I hope to slow the cha-cha and even out into a graceful waltz.

I will miss many, many things about being on here. Mostly, I will miss the constant voice of support I received from all of my friends on here. The wackyness and headspinning turns my blogs have taken over quite some time -- it exhausts me even to think about it.

Mainly, I am just wishing to find happiness and inner peace. I need this in order to continue to be the ultimate badass I know I am emoticon It is there, lying under the layers of crap I have thrown on top for the majority of my adult life. I just feel extremely fragile and afraid. I don't want to leave this progress I have managed to make over the last few weeks.

I am working out, I am eating more food than I have in years. I am sleeping more, working on my stress levels. I am eradicating the negative self talk that seems to creep in quicker than I expect it to. I am working to find that peace with food, fitness and overall well being that I have worked too hard to attain.

In all reality, it isn't about 12 week goals, or weekly weigh ins or LCW's or TNT challenges. It is about a lifetime of good habits, good sleep, fitness to support a healthy body, foods to nourish and, yes, ENJOY. Enjoy life, enjoy my children, enjoy simplicity. I am no longer focused on the 12 week weight loss challenges the 10% weight loss challenges, the perfect body fat %, getting my macros spot on. I am focusing on the long term goal, to live my life to the fullest, not make food and fitness the center of my being, being healthy both inside and out. Cherishing my life for what it is. Learning to forgive myself and accept the fact that I am who I am and that chasing fitness memes is no longer what is truly important. Just being the best me I can be is what is.

I will leave with this: I fully appreciate this community for what it is. It was a HUGE part of who I am for a long time. It was there for me. I enjoyed checking my emails to see what the responses to my blogs were, the message board responses. But I have to do what is best for me and move on with my life. I am very strong in the Eating the Food mentality. I frequent that group on Facebook as it has helped me to realize that I am not alone in any of this. I have put my scale away and it is time to shut down other parts of my life. I express full gratitude for those who have supported me. Thank you to everyone!
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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