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Restoring Faith

Monday, October 28, 2013

I was always the first to say "Everything happens for a Reason" or "Let go - Let God" and I truly believed that He brought me to it I would come out better for it on the other side. I have always been "the other people" - You know the one everyone talks about - "that can't happen to me it happens to other people". I am Other People - weird, hard, unlucky stuff happens in my life. I have always been able to roll with it, maybe not always as gracefully as I would like, but roll with it none the less. Then came the test...

My husband has always had a drinking problem and chose to drink and drive. I told him I would leave if anything happened - until it did. He was driving home from work out of state, fell asleep and, with the cruise control on, hit another vehicle. Thankfully both he and the other driver lived but both required surgery. Due to his failed construction business we were just climbing to the top of a deep financial hole. This did not help. Many medical and court appointments later, he was convicted of DUI with great bodily injury. His employer was willing to put him into an in-patient rehab for whatever time the courts deemed. According to our public defender this would be the best for all parties and he felt confident this would be the action taken. I prayed about this for a long time and I felt at peace that this would be the outcome and all of us could eventually heal from this as a family.

In court, the probation officer confirmed this was acceptable and appropriate along with severe fines and restitution to the victim. The judge agreed the facility mentioned was court approved; then the DA spoke up. He said this was an egrigiously violent crime and cited a statute typically used in armed robbery that if you injury someone in the commission of a felony that is not your accomplice it is termed a violent crime. The judge even had the attorneys come into his chambers. Unfortunately there was no argument, just because the statute was typically used for a different type of crime did not mean it could't be used. My husband was given 4 year and 4 months in prison and mandated to serve a minimum of 3 years 8 months due to the label of violent.

That was 2 and a half years ago now. He has 13 months to go. For the first 2 years he was housed at a prison 810 miles away. Due to finances, I was only able to see him twice in those years and my kids not at all. He is now about 70 miles away and the kids have been to see him a couple of times. I try to go at least every few weeks. My husband's self-esteem is in the dirt and unfortuntely they have no counseling there although they do have some inmate run AA meetings. I have had issues with depression, anxiety and anger. My kids are angry. We live in a very rural area and there are no free counseling services available here. I even looked into the Al-Anon meetings and they no longer run them here. Go figure!

Anyway - that is all the last couple of years I really have not felt the presence of God like I always did. I was angry at Him at first but now just feel empty. I don't know how to restore my faith... I have talked to a pastor friend of mine who just encourages me to pray and that I will restore my relationship with God through prayer. I have never been one to go to church as I find many people too hypocritical there. Lately though everywhere I look there are signs that I need to turn to Him. I'm just not sure how to do that yet... We still have a long row to hoe when he comes home and I know that we will be stronger and more able to cope with that if I can turn to the Lord, but I just don't feel Him... And maybe I still don't trust him... and probably I am still very angry with him... and so on and so on... But how can I restore that faith I used to have?
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    Right now, along with some friends, I've been reading "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" by Ann Voskamp and also watching her free videos where she talks about each chapter. The book has helped me a lot, to see the presence of God in my life, even during hard times.

    If you download Kindle for PC, I think you can even read the first chapter for free, to see if you would be interested in the book:

    You are doing the right thing, to try to get things right between you and God now, so that you will be in the best place possible, when your husband comes home. I'll keep you in my prayers emoticon
    1633 days ago
    Is is possible that God allowed this to happen to prevent something worse from happening in your lives?

    For instance, suppose your husband had been put in rehab and then later, despite his best intentions, gotten behind the wheel again and killed a child or a whole family? Where would you, your husband, and your kids be then?

    God can see miles down the road into our futures - maybe he's actually protecting your family, including your husband, by allowing him to serve time.

    I try very hard (sometimes I fail) to remember that "God IS Love - and in him is no darkness at all." If he IS love, and the Bible says he is, then he doesn't try to hurt us, so the alternative is that he's protecting us or someone else. I could be wrong, of course - it's just something to think about.

    emoticon emoticon
    1637 days ago
  • ARIAL61
    Wow Reneat, that's a lot to digest! We share something in common, my dh got a DUI too. Difference is, he didn't get in an accident or cause injury to anyone else. Still, the consequences were severe and it has really tested our marriage. I can't begin to even fathom what youvre been through while your dh has been incarcerated. As for not feeling God's presence, have you ever felt that He is there, but you're the one that has moved away? I, too, have often felt that God is not answering. During those times I don't feel His presence and I don't want to pray. Eventually I do, and I've found that starting out with praise helps a lot. Maybe if you could find a place you enjoy and just relax and enjoy the beauty around you. Start to thank Him for the color of the leaves, the sound of the waves, the blue sky, the twinkling starts, really open your eyes to His works and be grateful. Sometimes you just have to let HIm back in your life and sometimes it does take time to let the hurt and anger go. Just don't lose the faith. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you, your dh and your children.
    1637 days ago
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