I used to think that I loved food. Trying new things, the company, the very act of eating – I loved all of it. I am now 36 and I realize that it is not love that drives me to eat. It is addiction.
I know this because I eat when I am not hungry. Even when I am full and my rational, thinking mind doesn’t want food, I still end up eating. It is like this constant, crazy need that drives me to the refrigerator. It is more powerful than drink or drugs, or even sex. I don’t want food, I don’t like eating – but I can’t stop.
I like vampire books and movies. The stories have changed from walking corpses who smelled of death to beautiful, sexy creatures who glow when the sun hits them. The one thing that has stayed constant is that vampires are ruled by a constant unending compulsion to feed. It overwhelms them, they cannot resist the need to consume, no matter how hard they try. I feel the same way.
Food has become something I can’t resist. I feel like an addict, completely out of control. It is worse than being an addict because every situation involves food, and every person I know offers me food. My wife would never bring home a big bag of heroin, but she constantly brings home quarts of ice cream.
I am not suggesting that my wife is at fault. She doesn’t force me to eat. She certainly doesn’t force me to over eat. The problem is, I can’t control myself. I just want to eat. It is like giving a coke addict an unlimited amount of the best coke available. Would you expect him to do anything but blow line after line until there is no coke left (or his heart explodes)?
I just finished eating a big bowl of pasta. Had some ice cream, grapes, and some potato chips. We went to party for lunch, had some more Italian food and ice cream cake. In short I ate like a pig. What I am thinking is that today would be an admirable last meal. Starting right now, I am going to become a vampire.
I am not planning to consume the blood of the living. I am planning to not ingest solid food again. It is not reasonable to expect that I will never eat again, but I am going to see how many days I can go. The plan is to live off of juices, protein shakes, and vitamins.
Right now I am about 300 pounds. My goal is to be 180 pounds. I don’t just want to lose weight. I want to go full vampire. I want to get beautiful, and I want to get stronger, and I want to be dangerous. To that end I am going to start lifting again, and I am actively looking for a new Karate school. In the meantime I plan to start hitting the heavy bag again.
The point of this blog is to shame myself into staying on track. I need support to be successful and I need to be held accountable. These postings will be my attempt to hold myself accountable.
I am tired of being a joke. My weight is not compatible with my life style or personality. I am constantly defensive and I have become increasingly anti-social as I have gotten older. I don’t want any of it. I want to be moody and brooding and irresistible. Not surly, mean and fat.
I hope you will check in on me each day. I plan to update at least once a day.