The Disease of Addiction
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
- What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
"The disease of addiction" means that there is something of me that makes it impossible for me to use my willpower alone to overcome my compulsion to binge eat. It makes me obsess about food in ways that are unhealthy.
-Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
My disease has been active in my eating. I have been bingeing and feeling really out of control, and wanting to throw away all my hard work because I feel like I'll never overcome this.
-What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
When I'm obsessed, I tend to shut down all reason. I do not want to use the tools available to me to help me. I just want to eat and isolate.
-When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what ways do I behave compulsively?
I behave compulsively with food, especially buying food. I keep swearing I will not buy yogurt or peanut butter, but then I have a bad day, and I drive to the grocery store to buy food. I have plenty of food at home to eat. I do not need to constantly buy new food. It is very compulsive. Then I compulsively read blogs about food to try to get myself on the right track, but even then, I am avoiding the real issues. I am avoiding the real problems: my spiritual condition and the stresses of my life.
-How does te self=centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
My self-centeredness has caused me to destroy myself and become very caught up in self-pity. I am a drag to be around! My poor boyfriend and family put up with my tantrums of crying and feeling sorry for myself. They honestly want to see me get better, not because I am a burden, but because they want to see me happy. Yet, I take it all out on them and continue to act out.
-How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
Physically, I am overweight after years of overeating. I feel physically sick when I do overeat. Mentally, I feel exhausted by the roller coaster ride of trying to control my compulsion. Spiritually, I feel bankrupt right now. I do not feel connected to my HP. I am praying out of habit and hope, but I just don't feel like I am in tune with my HP. Emotionally, I'm a wreck.
-What is a specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
The specific way is with food, although I wanted to act out in any self destructive way.
-Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession
I have been obsessed with food and work stress. Instead of just focusing on the task in front of me, I become obsessed with all of it mountain-like and overbearing in front of me. I can't deal or cope or handle it at all, so it keeps me in that cycle of self pity and then trying to seek comfort with one of the things that keeps me feeling stuck and miserable!