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Time to Heal...

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Amazing. That so many emotions can co-exist behind glazed eyes and plain skin is astonishing. I have so many unrefined thoughts about my journey, swirling about in my head, crashing against each other as waves upon rocks. I've spent the last two weeks trying to let them simmer and reduce into something that I can share here, both for myself and for those of you who have become so dear to me. The following is my attempt to put them now to paper.

Being beneath 200 pounds for the first time in over seven years, has given me the greatest pause for reflection that I've had since starting this journey. If you read back to one of my original posts, I spoke about my hopes to be at 220 pounds by Christmas time... heh, I'm so invested in what I'm typing right now that my eyes actually just welled up after writing that, feelings of pride. Good thing I've the luxury of writing this and not blubbering through it in person! :-D In four and a half months, I've transformed my body more successfully than I ever intended, certainly more successfully than I ever expected. I entered into this having shaken off the mightiest obstacle of "if I can't have results right away, what is it worth working for". I set my mind firmly on the knowledge that it might take me years to work off the weight, but that I was resolved to do whatever was necessary. What followed was a three month roller coaster of massive numbers dropped every week, and a rapid change in my appearance. The next month and a half saw my numbers settle in around the rang of zero to two pound loss per week. Overall, this is the physical transformation I've gone through in this short period of time (I can't believe I'm sharing this picture, lol):

The title of my post is "Time to Heal", and in the last couple of weeks, I've been working through how my self-esteem has changed, and how my confidence has returned to me. I've been looking back on who I was before I made this change, and have been trying to paint a picture in my mind of how these emotional changes have impacted me. Having explored it a fair bit, I've come to the conclusion that my current happiness and confidence isn't a result of lost weight - but that my lost weight has been the result of my deeper joy and confidence in what I've been doing with my life since June. The emotional change is what unlocked the physical change. When I made the appeal to myself, pleading to change the direction I was headed in, I became a new person and the weight has melted off to reveal that new person. I haven't simply been losing weight in the past four months, I've been healing. I've been recovering from the emotional pains I inflicted upon myself for so many years. This realization came shortly before I hit 199 this past Friday, and so this last week has felt like one long, relaxing, exhale.

On the heels of my personal revelation, and my admission to the famously coined 'Onederland', I then received the invitation to join Spark People's team of success stories. It all seems to be converging at a time where, for the first time in many years, I feel like myself again. During the past two days, I've been hunting ferociously for 'before' pictures of myself. Having found a treasure trove of them at my parents house last night, I had one final moment of closure on my emotional journey. I looked at this picture...

... and my first emotion was complete sadness. You have to understand something about my journey and the relatively rapid weight-loss I've had - it means that I'm not that far removed from the me that I used to be. When I stared at the man above, I felt everything that he felt about himself as if I was still him. I felt sad for him... for ten seconds. As the seconds ticked by, I came to realize that I owe everything I've accomplished in the last four months to the man you see in that picture above. It was he who found the strength to become this new version of myself. He found the courage deep down inside, and the conviction to do what he knew had to be done. I'm the beneficiary of the success he started only three days after this picture was taken. I'm so desperately proud of him... and in realizing that I've been him all along... that there are no other versions of myself but one... I finally became desperately proud of myself.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KAT321123
    I'm so excited to see your success story. I mean, I've seen it through your blog and your pictures, but I can't wait to see what SparkPeople documents.

    You're totally right that the old you -- that one who made you sad for a moment -- is the you that got you where you are now. You're the same person at the core but have completely entered a new chapter in your life with a new perspective, health, energy, positivity, and happiness. I think it's "normal" to see how close you are to the "old" you due to the amount of time, and at the end of the day remembering that will motivate you to keep making healthy choices, but you won't backslide. You've learned too much and worked too hard.

    You really are a success story =)
    1641 days ago
    What a great blog and success story! Stay fit in your thinking and pushing yourself everyday and you will be surprised by what you can accomplish!
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    1643 days ago
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    You should be proud! You're so inspiring! I agree that once we get our minds and attitudes in the right place, the weight loss is almost more like a side effect.

    1645 days ago
  • LADYBUG4869
    I am so proud of you!! The inner joy and the reflection of your journey is astounding. I'm so glad to be your friend and watch you transform here on Sparkpeople. You really make me smile just with that "exhale" statement!! emoticon
    1645 days ago
    I know it's a lot to take in at once, but you seem to be taking it all in stride. It's amazing that your transformation is happening so quickly. All of your hard work and dedication is paying off. You look fantastic! Congratulations on being asked to do a success story for sparkpeople.

    I love your writing style and always look forward to reading your blogs, even if I don't always comment on them. You never cease to motivate me. I need to take some more recent photos of myself so I can assess where I'm at and where I want to be.
    1645 days ago
    Congratulations!! You have worked hard for your success and you look fabulous!! Very well done. I wish I could channel your spirit and your energy in this journey!

    1646 days ago
    What a great blog! Thank you for sharing. You truly have come so far and your journey is so inspiring to me. I can relate to so many things you wrote about here. It's great that you were able to write it all down and share this with us. Keep up the great work! We're so proud of you :)
    1646 days ago
    And proud you should be! Although how we look is merely superficial, I think it's so wonderful to get to that point where we feel like how we look on the outside matches how we feel on the inside.
    1646 days ago
    I really want to send this blog to my boyfriend to prove that it can be done! He swears that he's "always had a gut" and no amount of exercise could possibly change that.
    You are looking (no offense intended to your lady) friggin' amazing. Seriously. And you should be so proud of yourself for the overall, not just physical transformation. I think we are in the same spot! Finally had the "liminal moment" where exercise and treating our bodies right became not just a priority but THE WAY WE LIVE.
    1646 days ago
    What an awesome blog. Thank you for sharing. You have done such an amazing job. Congratulations on what you've accomplished so far.

    I can relate to a lot of this blog. It was an emotional change that unlocked my physical transformation as well. For me, I had to get my head right before I could truly commit to changing some of the bad habits in my life and started adopting new, healthier ones. I knew that if I didn't, it would only be a "temporary fix" and I'd fall back into the old, unhealthy routine. I didn't want that - I wanted (and still want) a healthier that's what I'm doing.

    You look great! I have no doubt you will meet any goal you set for yourself! Great job!
    1646 days ago
    You should be SO proud!! You have done an amazing job and inspire so many of us!!! I really enjoy your blogs because there is so much feeling and emotion behind them! I find it easy to relate because you are so good with words! Great job and keep it up!!!
    1646 days ago
    You should be proud of yourself. I feel that the confidence comes from making a commitment to yourself that you have kept. Our word is our bond.

    Continue to take good care of yourself!
    1646 days ago
    emoticon you look awesome! it is no surprise SP approached you for a success story! look at you go!
    1646 days ago
    Wow! Thank you for sharing your success with us!!! It's such a tough, journey... I can relate!

    Congratulations on finding yourself again!!!! emoticon

    1646 days ago
  • GK1963
    Wow! Thanks for sharing. And you most certainly should be proud! emoticon
    1646 days ago
    Your journey has been an incredible one, I am so happy for you :)
    1646 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.