Rebellion And Letting Go
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
I have come to a conclusion and one that I do not especailly like to admit but I know that it is true. I am rebellious and have been for quite sometime although I did not realize it completely. I knew that I was in some areas of my life but I did not think it was that bad. Then God opened my eyes to see that it was.
I am not looing for sympathy, just some understanding. I had to figure out why I am so resistant to letting go of this horrible companion. I had to re journey into my past to find the answer that I sought.
I remebered that I was sexually abused by a family member, 2 different neighbors, one which was my female babysitter, and the other a teenage boy that lived up the street from us.
I recall the events as though they were just yesterday. I cannot say that going back to this place has been easy for me, but it helped me to see that my attitude for men, and God was the same. I did not trust any of them no matter how nice they seemed to be. Everyone of the ones I've ever trusted has hurt me in some way that was very deep hurt. Id it wasn't physical, orsexual, then it happened emotionally, or soe deep spiritual level.
I am learnig that my marriageemotions has suffered a great deal as a result of this lack of humility in me. I thought I was humble until recently. I could actually feel the anger, hurt and other emotions raging in me and wanting to exact revenge. I cannot do that.. I am resistant the word submission, and catering concerning men.
This is where I feel like saying bah, humbug!
I am supposed to be at a different place by now in my klife but I'm not because I have refused to yield. I have resisted giving up who I thought I was and letting God have control. I have talked of it to others and actually even helped some, but I have not been practicing the same. Oh what foolish woman I have been.
Well this is were the rubber meet the road. I now know what the problem is so what's next? I need to repent and cry out to God to forgive my desire for vengance and forgive every pereptrator and ask my wonderful husband to forgive me for how I made him suffer for something he never did. Then I need to forgive myself and surrender to God's authority in yet another area of my life.
I had to admit that I wasn't ready to get married when I did, I married to be obedient to God's Word and so I wouldn't be displeasding to God. Then I turned around and did these foolish things. I am crying out to God for His mercy and grace, and favor toward me once more. I pray that anyone that I have inured along the way will forgive me as well.
I need restoration. So come Lord and fill my cup. Help me to not only see the error of my ways but fully comprehend what I have done to myself and my family. I repent of the evil I have been and allowed into our lives. Right now in Your son Christ Jesus name I ask for forgiveness as I forgive the ones that hurt me repeatedly for years and for those that might have known and did nothing to protect me.
I ask you to give me the desire to follow You in all things and to trust in Your righteous judgements. I want to let go and let You have Your way in and through my life. Teach me how to let go of these theings that I have held onto like a security blanket. They have been my companions more than those that I have professed to love.
I have been afraid to let go and trust anyone that is male, including You my God. I saw You as a man, just like them. Now I am begining to understand the fulness of and magnitude of my sin. I know that I need Your help to let go of these things and I am asking,right now for Your assistance. I can not do this alone. You know how difficult it is for me to ak for hekp but I am coming to you now in Christ Jesus name. I patiently await our reply.