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Total Failure and Confusion ~

Monday, October 21, 2013

I have been in a self-created battle for the last couple of months. I wanted this year, an important year, to be unlike so many other years. I wanted it to be a year of purpose, having some of 'the answers', a year that would set me up for good things. Instead it has been very confusing, painful and difficult. No, not all of it. It's had it's good side, as well. However, as far as weight loss and doing my SP program, it's been a mess.

I lost 17 lbs. up to and somewhere around May of this year. I, finally, saw Onederland, again. Then, for a long time, I coasted. But, eventually, I gained most of it back and, although not 'a lot' over, I am back in the 200s, again. I 'swore', absolutely meant every word of it ~ that I would never let myself get back into the 200s. I was so sure of it, I would have signed it in blood. :(

Slowly, but surely, things started 'slipping'. The exercise, even the swimming, the food, the commitment of going to SP, several times a week, talking to my friends. ALL of it ~ and the more that 'left', the more I hated myself. Until finally, I'm just a fat, out of shape mess again. Not that I was ever far from that ~ but, at least, I was trying. My 'get up and go" got up and left and I don't know how to get it back.

So ~ this may be my last post here. I NEED to make up my mind what I am going to do.I can't just keep lurking around. I don't really know if I've got the 'faith' or the 'commitment' to come back. I certainly don't have the 'faith in myself', anymore. If I do come back, I need to stay here until I have reached my goals ~ all of my goals. I need to make a new start. I need to change my life. I need to believe in myself, most of all.

I don't know ~ I just don't know ~ ~ if I have the faith in myself to put me back on the right track. I have let myself down so badly. I'm just full of self-loathing and defeat.

You've all been so good to me at SP. Thank you for that ~ sincerely! emoticon emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PHOENIX1949
    I think "total failure" is likely a gross overstatement. Check out this site:

    I have lost my 'mojo' but not given up hope that I will figure out how to determine to work around my medical issues to get healthier.

    Your 'Mindful Moments' have been appreciated thoroughly by me.

    You Are Beautiful,
    You Are Strong,
    You Are Worth It!

    The last 6 hours have been spent by me reading ALL the Blogs by SKINNYINMYHEAD for inspiration.

    Intellectually I know what I need to do but somehow have not resolved my emotional block(s).

    Take care of YOU and hopefully you can sort some things out and resume your Blogs and quest for a healthy lifestyle.

    1642 days ago
    emoticon I'm so sorry you feel this way. Perhaps you need to find a friend with a little more faith to lean on until you get your faith back. This journey is not always easy, if it was easy everyone here would be one big success story. We all lose our faith sometimes and at times it gets really hard and we wonder why we even bother.

    Don't give up on yourself. You have done it before and I know you can do it again. You lost those 17lbs - YOU did that! You can do it again, and this time you know where the 'potholes' are and how to avoid them.

    I really pray that you will find the faith to do this for you. You are exactly where I was three weeks ago, full of disappointment and self loathing. But after I blogged about it, spark friends encouraged me and I am slowly getting back on track. Is it easy? Hell, no! It is difficult and I struggle everyday. I have to remind myself daily why I am doing this, and why I cannot give up. And hopefully I will get back to the point where I feel good about myself and about my efforts.

    Lean on someone!
    1642 days ago
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