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The 21-day Lie

Monday, October 21, 2013

Finding your focus after being on this journey for 17 months can be difficult. There is a saying that anything you do for 21 days becomes habit. I would like to be the first one to dispute that finding. While some things are truly second nature, I have to remind myself every other second to do what I KNOW I should be doing because everything in my being is telling me to rebel against it. 21 days cannot undo 28 years of unhealthy. 17 months can't either. What it CAN do is make me much more prepared to handle those moments when I my instinct is telling me to binge or skip a workout. Thankfully, after nearly a year and a half of healthy living, the NEW me, the food scale devotee, the let's do another mile, the that is too sweet and/or too salty me, the I love the taste of zucchini me, is winning out over the old me 85% of the time. I have to remind myself of this because often, I am discouraged by me frequent back-sliding. I tell myself, "You know better!" I have a friend that always says that if you KNOW better than you would DO better. If only it were that simple.

In my intermittent absence from Spark, I had to do some soul searching. I found myself gaining and losing the same few pounds. More importantly, I found myself disenchanted. Updating my Spark Page with a new uplifting background or writing an insightful blog was no longer doing it for me. Pixie dust and encouraging words only goes so far for so long. At some point, you have to ask yourself: Is this worth it anymore? In order to answer that, I had to step away from Spark because I needed to give myself an honest answer, not one motivated by someone else's weight loss. So often I think many of our blogs are written in a way to convince OURSELVES to believe that we are okay with a little weight gain here or there, or that the journey is easy peasy, or that we are doing this for "health" reasons. A lot of that is true but what most of us really want to say is "Gaining five pounds after working my a$$ off sucks and I am pi$$ed and I want to eat the first cupcake or skinny person I see!" But you don't get voted Spark Motivator for psycho blogs like that so we paint this process to be pretty. I can't handle too much pretty.

In my time away I realized that not only do I WANT this, but I NEED this. I NEED to be healthy and it is no longer good enough for me to dial it in because the supporters around me are telling me how great I look at my current size. I am not as healthy as I could be. I have work that needs to be done. I WANT and DESERVE to be a mother. Considering my medical history, I MUST get my body as healthy and strong as I possibly can before I can consider motherhood. This journey is so much more than fitting a pair of jeans and honestly, when I began this journey, the new jeans and the new wardrobe were my motivation, and that is okay. At some point, that won't be enough anymore. Although Spark's new Start Page is wacky and confusing, writing out my goals today helped me refocus. It also encouraged me because 515 days into this journey, the struggle is still real but that does not have to stop me, and it WILL NOT stop me.

Me, in the center, with friends
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • -RUBIES-
    Great blog. I love how you are standing in what is true and real in your journey.

    Oh, by the way, I agree, SP's new start page is definitely wacky. I do not like it.

    Press On!

    1643 days ago
  • LEMON2012
    I needed this! I've been MIA for a good min. to "regroup" but I think its time to really fully committ. Hope to continue to see your progress, and I'll return the favor. :) SP can only do so much, but we have to stay our fans across states ROOTING for us. #BigFan #BigHug
    1652 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    Good on you for taking a step back to re-evaluate your motivation and your goal. Well done. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1653 days ago
    I hear you, it gets easier but as you said, it never gets easy.
    1653 days ago
  • CRISSA1669
    I'd like to say Amen to all of that!! My last check in was 73 days ago!!! yikes!!! Didn't mean to get away from Spark on purpose but life came 1st. Don't get me wrong, sometimes that one blog can make a whole lot of difference but overall, those things will not carry you through. I'm looking at the same 32 pounds to "goal" from 6 months ago...but I've been as close as 16!!!grrrrrr. It's like a cruel game sometimes, but I say it with a smile on my face!! Sometimes weight loss is not the priority at the moment and that has to be ok. I do have to say, you look amazing!!!! I loved the bachelorette picture and what a stunning bride! You know where you are trying to get to and so do I, so let's keep on keeping it real!!! Congratulations on your marriage!
    1659 days ago
    Love this blog! You help debunk the weight loss myths by providing us with reality! We all know this journey isn't easy and with people like you who give it to us is encouraging to know that those we "look up" to sometimes fumble as well.
    1667 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/28/2013 1:52:00 PM
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    1669 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    Glad you have found your strength after 515 days!
    1670 days ago
    Dang I sure wish we lived closer! You would fit right in with my friends! You are such a real person and I love that about you. You always seem to know exactly what is on my mind and are able to put it into your own amazing words and hit me right when I need them! It is truly a gift!

    You are right... You DO deserve ALL of those things and MORE! Without a doubt in my mind I know you have EVERYTHING it takes to push through and reach every one of your goals! I'm sure it is hard being a newlywed and all... but hey, I'm sure that burns a few extra calories too... if you know what I mean emoticon
    love ya girl!
    1673 days ago
  • KNH771
    What you said about the blogs is interesting. I think writing for others can be a bit of a trap, not just on Spark, but on any social media. It's fun and uplifting to get lots of page views or comments or retweets. But I decided a couple of years back that the purpose of my different blogs wasn't to entertain anyone else, (I'm not trying to make any money), but just to put things out there that uplift my soul. If someone else read it, fine. If not, who cares? (OK, I do care, but I'm not going to let it drive decisions... emoticon ) If you are honest, about the downs as well as the ups, it shows an integrity that I think will resonate with people...

    Anyway, that was a roundabout way of saying I think you made a good point!
    1673 days ago
    Sometimes we need to do this. I have been on spark since 2008. I had great success and plenty of down falls. But you need to sit back and refocus and remember why you are doing this. It becomes tedious over the years. I am trying to get back into the swing of things after having a baby. I will say sometimes when you take a break and when you come back, you feel renewed on spark. Keep up the fight!
    1673 days ago
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    1673 days ago
  • LADYBUG546
    Very well written and reflecting on what needs to change for you to be successful is important....I step away from here too and then always find my way back because I find being here and checking in keeps me more accountable. Plus the good words of others helps keep me going when family does not step up to support.

    Right now I struggle with the family support. My hurdle
    1673 days ago
  • PURPLE180
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    1673 days ago
    You can do this! Very nice blog.

    Don't let yourself get complacent. There is a reason why so many people end up regaining the weight.
    1673 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    Nikki, you can accomplish whatever goal you set for yourself. YOU CAN DO IT! You will be a mother again, so be the best you can be! Praying all your dreams and wishes come true! emoticon
    1673 days ago
  • SKY214
    I can truly relate.
    1674 days ago
  • PRIN1978
    1674 days ago
    Good blog Nikki! Your friend is right! However, we may know better but sometimes we are just not thinking right. If we can stop ourselves from that first bite how wonderful that would be. Unfortunately I am not always successful in this regard but as long as I get back on track ASAP that is what counts.

    Keep up the good job Nikki! Those blogs may seem at times that you are talking yourself into good eating and health but they are also doing other people lots of good as well.

    1674 days ago
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    1674 days ago
    UGH... I feel like I am in a similar place right now! I'm frustrated because I've stalled... but it's probably because I'm not trying as hard as I used to... and I keep asking myself how much more am I willing to sacrifice to get to my goal weight. The answer is... not much. emoticon
    1674 days ago
  • SARAL72
    You're beautiful and look so happy on that photo, who care about those 5 pounds! you will kick them out soon!

    May be looking away from the scale for a few days could did for me. I got stuck in a neverend plateau....I stopped focusing on the scale, but did focuse on my nutrition....and voila! a few pounds left without noise...

    I know how important it is to be healthy for a pregnancy, I had my share of issues when I became obese, I know that two of the miscarriages are probably a consequence....but I'm blessed with three children, so at the end I can not complain .

    You have a great goal, be a mother again, a wonderful husband, life is beautiful!

    I think we have so much stress in our lifes, we only realise it when the damage is done.
    We should be able to enjoy more what we have and what we can be proud have a lot to be proud off, try to enjoy the moment, you did lose weight and what had be done doesn't need to be done again! that's big!

    Everyday, actually lately it's more once a week, but when my sugar/chocolate addiction tries to drive me to eat what I shouldn't (because I discovered in the past weeks I'm better completly off chocolate, it doesn't trigger cravings as much as eating only a little) I think about what's already done : I lost 50 pounds, almost half way there!
    You are more than half way, you did lose a lot, you are almost at did very good!!!

    Losing weight is a battle on many levels, not only with the food or the scale, and you're right, it's not pretty : but it needs to be done.

    Last week I bought new coookbooks, new workout dvd...little tricks, changing the routine can also help our mind to cope with the battle...

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    1674 days ago
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