Sunday, October 20, 2013
I had a major meltdown last night. I was so sick of the desire to resort to food that I wanted to use drugs. I have been drug free for over three years. Luckily, I wasn't able to do that, but I binged instead. I made sugar free pumpkin cheesecake and ate peanut butter and yogurt and all the things that are like half cheats for me, and full cheats when eating in the excess that I did.
My sponsor suggested that I write a step one about food. She said that this manifestation has been bringing me down for a long time now, and maybe I can get some freedom from working on it more directly.
I am considering posting my writing on here. I will post the questions as they appear in the step working guide also, in case anyone else could benefit.
I think I am going to take a break from logging calories and obsessively making new goals for myself. I think I have an eating disorder and the more I do things like this, the less manageable I feel because I never quite do things perfectly according to my plan. It really makes me feel like a failure.
So I am taking a break from that stuff. I am just going to eat according to plan for awhile, continue training for the Spartan, and try not count and measure and obsess.