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In a Funk

Saturday, October 19, 2013

I'm trying to write myself out of this one.

I had big plans for today..... wash, walk the dogs, clean, organize. And instead, here I am on the couch, just up from a nap. And depressed. I did go to Morning Prayer, pay bills, clean the kitchen. But I have not tackled the larger things.

My sons will be here tomorrow. One lives an hour away and the other -- who has been home for the last few months -- is on his way out this week and I *may* see him at Christmas. This is a good change for him and I do support this. It is time for him to go (this was a boomerang home).

But oh my goodness, I will be alone then. Now, I have lived alone during the week before. But my husband was home weekends. Now, of course, we are getting divorced. So, this is less transitional, but real.

We'll put the house on the market next March or April. We've done alot to clear out but there is more to do.

I feel alone and sad and scared. God, save me from being angry!
I am depressed and need to move.

So, my eating today has reflected that. I ate cake and I'm at 1500 calories or so. Within range, but not the best nutrition. I'm not hungry and I'll eat cauliflower for dinner and have another pot of tea.

So, right at this moment, I need to run an errand. Then I will come back and put a load of laundry in and figure out what I will ask my sons to move and organize tomorrow.

And I need to pray to accept this situation -- instead of being dazed, amazed, depressed and angry.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My close friend recently lost her husband. It has been almost two years now I think, or three. Before he died her whole family and extended relatives were always over there. When her husband died - they all disappeared, including her 3 children.

    This didn't stop her. One thing she did was to involve herself with activities for every single day of the week. I used to be able to call her any time I liked. Well...I can't do that anymore, LOL! I have to email her and schedule a call :o) I don't mind. I know that she is busy.

    This is one clever way of avoiding aloneness. If you keep yourself busy, you won't have time to mope about and feel sorry for yourself.
    1673 days ago
    I've been through what you are going through and it takes time to assimilate it all and to grieve and recover. I would say one or two years. It will gradually get better though as the time progresses. Stay busy and make plans for your future. Goals keep you centered.
    1674 days ago
    Oh my - your pain is palpable -I can identify with so many of your challenges. I think DDOORN's idea of completely changing the norm has a great deal of merit. And HONOURIA's insights are incredible. In reading your blog, I thought of the notion that with so many things out of control in life, food is one thing that we can control? I'm finding the structure and mindfulness of my journey toward a healthy mind and body has been a great asset in helping me stay the course through the difficult days. And the support go the SparkCommunity is invigorating - all the best

    1675 days ago
    1675 days ago
    Love HONOURIA's suggestion re: "leaning into the pain." Don't fight the anger either! Movement can be so helpful...channel your emotions into your movement. Go for a walk with your sadness and anger...feel your feelings as you move. It can be so cathartic and healing. Playing ostrich with your feelings can weigh, burden and deaden you so...!

    Start brainstorming ways to re-invent your holidays. Volunteering can be very rewarding and distracting in a helpful way by realizing how much you have to offer, seeing the appreciation for your efforts. Perhaps helping out in a local food pantry or soup kitchen? Let some ideas percolate...

    "Never be afraid to fall apart, because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along." Rae Smith


    1675 days ago
    Hm... the change scale is escalating.
    2) Children leaving home
    3) Moving
    4) Losing weight
    5) Financial changes
    6) Single life transition
    7) Middle age

    Just one of those items is a lot. You have many of them in confluence. It will not be easy to do this for a while. Your emotions will be in tumult. It will take a while - read years - before the dust settles. It is the beginning, still.

    You won't always be able to get that "to do" list to work the way you want it to. Your body may trump you. Keep tabs on much it trumps you, as you may need intervention. Meanwhile, expect delays. Find a funnel to vent, be it writing or a counselor. Find an activity where you can zone out. Activities like this are repetitive - so that your mind can wander free while your body is engaged in repetitive motion: walking, running, swimming, knitting, crocheting, drawing/sketching, painting, playing a musical instrument, gardening, housecleaning.
    Alternatively, make your regular plan, then make an adjusted alternative just in case you are not up to the first one.
    This is the time to "be" with what is beautiful in life - and I realize what a contradiction that sounds. "Be" with the excellence in the arts. "Be" with parts of nature that are beautiful and focus on it (like hikes, the seaside, the ocean or sunsets). "Be" with the extraordinary in musical accomplishments: Instrumentation, Opera, Vocal groups - or artistic ones. Art is a beautiful thing - it isn't just painting. It is sculpture and architecture. Liturature: Theatre, Poetry, Reading.
    Dance - as in ballet (something you can do yourself.)
    Writing, as art.
    These are universal things that are not dependent upon other human beings. You are not in the best state to make people judgements. So focus on universals and the concrete.
    Study - draw your mind to what it finds curious.
    If everything feels gray - try leading tasks. Sometimes the doing changes events. If you find that the gray is too heavy to move, for too long, then you might consider medical intervention. But so long as you can alter or live with the pain, then you are doing ok on your own steam.

    You might want to lean into the pain. There is beauty in pain - even though that doesn't sound possible.
    Focusing on the negatives in this situation though and giving way to hatred, revenge, or self pity turned inward is not advisable. The universe takes care of negative balances, trust me.

    This will end up being a good thing when you look back from 10 years into the future. But you need to live it to get there.

    Being alone - plot your time. Think in terms of making it through one single day, and plot that day. Plot every day, and make it a goal to get through that one. Make gentle routines for the night. Regulate your rising and sleeping. Make routine tasks like showers, grooming, house stuff important. Go out of your way to care for your body. Look - if I have to go swimming I have to drive there, swim, take myself home, shower and do my hair. At night I have to do the cleanser, toner, moisturizer thing. I have to make sure my nails are nourished and my rough sandal and barefoot feet get Berts Bees on them with socks so I don't slip.....it's that sort of thing.
    Just life takes a lot of work. Focus on getting that done in spades.

    Join some groups that don't require self admissions, and where you are focused on a task. Example: A choir means you are with people, but apart from hellos and how's-the-weather, everyone is focused on the scores. Task driven groups keep you engaged with others without taxing your emotions. Another example: Book clubs. Whatever...you will need to go by your own interests. This way, you get the nourishment of contact, but not the overload of people-problems or your own back-wash, neither one of which you can honestly deal with right now.

    That should keep you busy and around people while you go through this tumultuous time.
    blessings, Honouria
    1675 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/20/2013 9:37:26 PM
    You have the right to experience ALL the feelings that are coming up for you: Fear, loneliness, grief, betrayal and even devastation. But those fears have been building up for some time. You are healed and brave enough to have them surface. You are strong enough now to face them alone and yes, you are not doing 100% right now.

    All of this is a normal transitional phase from being a who you were to who you know you are deep inside and want to see emerge. You are like a butterfly in a cocoon. This is the winter of your life. It isn't the end of it.

    Hang on honey, it will be rough but you are tough!


    1675 days ago
    I haven't done much at all today. Been very tough to get motivated. I'm chalking it up to a "rest day" since I've been hitting the exercise pretty hard. Sometimes that's OK! Hope you find your mojo and can get some stuff done that you need to! emoticon
    1675 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    Change is difficult and I think you're doing a wonderful job of trying to process all the emotions. It is what it is, and you'll make the best of the situation even though it might not feel that way right now.

    Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sending good vibes and wishes your way!
    1675 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1675 days ago
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