BROADBRUSH

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i think this happens to most of us

Saturday, October 19, 2013

i comment about this because i read so many of our by lines on spark and they are so similar- different words maybe - but it all means the same. i am referring to most of the 'ladies' description of who they were and who they have become.
BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I TAKE NO COMFORT IN THE OLD ADAGE 'MISERY LOVES COMPANY'. i am looking for some solution, some meeting of the minds, some strategies to help all of us.
when i was so sick with thyroid, RA and Fibromyalgia flare ups that dogged me relentlessly for the past seven years - i blamed my lack of interest in 'FUN STUFF I USED TO LOVE' on all of that.
indeed, just trying to get out of bed in the morning, battling vertigo, never being able to drive - i wondered why i opened my eyes for yet another day to do it all over again.
i fought very hard to get to where i am now - and believe me i thank myself, all the support from on HIGH, and from friends including the sparkers who offered advice and encouragement, and NEVER CAN FORGET THE LOVE OF MY LITTLE CRITTERS.
i embrace every opportunity to help some one else and delight in seeing progress. but i still long for the FUN ME - i cannot find her - where is the optimism, love of friends, conversation, enjoyment in a coffee, walking thru the mall, etc??
i cannot dredge up an ounce of enthusiasm - i really have no positive energy for myself left. i think - TOMORROW i will style my hair, put on my make up, and look for colorful clothes' but then the morning comes and the demands on my time barely afford me enough minutes to do the 'essentials' first thing in the day.,
i am devoid - i feel like i must be floating above my frail fat painful body - everyday my thoughts never are 'light' - it is always what I HAVE TO DO as the sole caregiver here, taking care of my pets are a joy so i don't include them. they are my reprieve from the realities here.
i am so tired - no matter when i sleep or don't - i am weary.
tears don't come very easily anymore - it takes so much out of me - and it does not solve the problems.
this week i went thru five days of MIGRAINE (wonderful) and now my entire left side of my face seems numb but there are lots of pains shooting into my jaws and teeth. OH WELL - MAYBE IT WILL BE GOOD FOR A FEW POUNDS OF WEIGHT LOSS. lol
yeah - that never works for me.
let me hear from all of you who are going through 'looking backwards in the mirror' - searching for a little part of the wonderful persons we used to be. can we be again? i can't see a whole lot of good stuff for the future.
i cannot watch TV - whether news filled with cruelty to children, animals and each other - or REALITY crap - which is gut wrenchingly sickening.
can we help each other be the best and find some humor - anticipate your replies.
BB
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  • RAINBOWFALLS
    I too have seen my share of the bad and my body and health are not improving with age. One day at a time, One step at a time...
    1852 days ago
  • FENWAYGIRL18
    I feel what you wrote could of been written by me, I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Asthma and Chronic Lyme disease. The old me was thin a size 6/7 depending on who made the clothing I was healthy sure aches and pains every now and then but nothing as dibilitating as my life has become.
    I was on top of the world finally finding the man of my dreams , having a beautiful miracle a son and my dream job that I could of only done with my husband by my side telling me to go back to school and believing in me.
    I'd work 40 hrs a week plus OT , then come home make dinner spend some time with hubby and son before going to school at night and then coming home while hubby left for work and then most nights not get any sleep because my son wasn't a good sleeper.
    I could do it all with little sleep, still keep my productivity up, manage to make the Dean's list (this was a girl who didn't think she could even get good grades cause I thought I'd be the old one in the group, the one that was made to believe by my parents your not smart enough to do anything but work in a factory).
    I became a medical assistant left the job that ruined my body for 10 yrs with heavy lifting 8 hrs plus standing on my feet and just wreaking havoc on my body.
    I loved my job, coming home to my hubby and son aftere working at a place I loved was so great and friend wow I had friends from work having them over invited to parties and then after 3 yrs................................
    .......
    I started getting some hair loss, feeling like I'd been hit by a mack truck, gaining some weight , just exhausted!!!! I was misdiagnosed with Lyme for about 3-4 yrs and I was falling down breaking my foot, spraining my feet, dropping to the floor in pain in my head.
    Diagnosed with Lyme taking meds that laid me up for a year where all I did was sleep for 18 hrs a day I gained a ton of weight, then a year later finding I had Fibro and my life has been a living hell!!!!!!!! Why wake up when all I live with is debilitating pain watching the weather to predict how bad the pain is going to be for the next week. I use to do my hair, put make up god never saw my naked lips now? I could care less sometimes I'm just lucky to go out of the house once a week, my curtains drawn all the time because of the sensitivity to light.
    The girl who could do it all work, make dinner, go to school , come home take care of the baby and get little to no sleep is lucky if she can wash the dishes in one day and cook dinner!
    I'm not that fun loving girl who use to be the life of the party, all the friends disappeared, family (parents and siblings) they had no use for me anymore and because distant and even more heartless then before.
    My life depends on the weather a breeze can set off a flare up , a cloud, but through it all my husband and son who have loved me through being a size 6/7 and then size 22 have always loved me for me, come running when they hear me in pain, hear me fall or see me with my sunglasses on which I wear all the time and know wow she's hurting by the tone of my voice lets get her heat wrap microwaved for her, here mom/honey here is your motrin, you need anything else?
    My hubby and son is what keeps me waking up everyday, keeps me from giving up, keeps me sane.
    I look in the mirror and don't even see the woman I use to be anymore, it's so sad because she was really awesome, but the one I see now is even stronger then she was but this is the cards we're dealt with I try and do what I can and I'm lucky I have to special guys in my life to accept the new me.
    1854 days ago
  • GYPSYGOTH
    Hi BB. I am so sorry you are in this spot. I have battled depression most of my life, and have been through more "bad stuff" than most, but my recent "restart" here on Spark has given me a lot to be thankful for. I may be job-less and the world may be a scary place, but at least I am DOING SOMETHING to improve one aspect. I've been going to the gym and being careful about getting lots of fruits and veggies, and I've managed to drop 20 pounds since the beginning of the summer. So that feels good... it is reinforcing to see results, but also just to know that I am taking care of myself despite the tough times I find myself in.
    I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be-- someone who actually enjoys exercise and looks forward to healthy living most days (not 100% of the time, of course; I like lazy days and fried food as much as the next girl!).
    You can do it, too. Small steps.
    Hope you feel better! emoticon
    1854 days ago
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