An old letter...
Friday, October 18, 2013
Have you ever come across an old letter from a friend or loved one and reread it just to have the tears flowing? I've been going through my old blogs and deleting many of them and I came across a letter i wrote to myself...and i had to repost it because it's so honest...and i can remember hte pan and frustration. While i think i've grown a lot, so many of the hurts and fears are till there...but they are weakening!
From July 2011:
It's been a long while since we've spoken. Maybe I was too hesitant to come out and talk to you, or maybe you were too busy hiding from me. Whatever the reason we are at a point where we can no longer not face one another. We need to talk!
You know i love you, right? You know i care about you. I want to see you happy. I want to see you grow old and be that granny that walks circles around the twentysomethings. I want to see you love yourself and thus allowing someone else to fall in love with you. I know you want all of those things for yourself. But what i don't understand is why you are holding yourself back from having it all. I've failed you and i take full responsibility.
I see you when you cry at night. After everyone has left and it's just you...all alone. I see you when you cry yourself to sleep at night because you are so lonely. I know and understand that you just want to be loved. You just want someone to hold you. To tell you that you are gonna be all right. That you are special. That you mean something to someone. That someone out there is thinking about you. I understand your pain. I know it all too well.
I know your heart Vicky. I know how much you hurt. While your friends just see the smile on your face and the laughter from your heart, I see the smile that you've perfected and the laugh that blankets the pain. You've been told time and time again that you are such a happy person. If only you would allow them in and tell them the truth.
I've failed you. I've gone silent when i should have told you to make healthier choices. I should have told you to go walking when instead i allowed you to sit in front of a television for hours at a time. You deserve so much more then what i've provided. I should have protected you. I should have loved you more. I should have seen the hurt in your eyes and talked to you about what would make you happy. Can you forgive me?
You are beautiful. You need to know and understand that first for yourself. You can change your life. You will have days when you fail yourself. It's ok. Just keep going - be warned that i will not allow you to just sit there when you think you've been defeated. You are a wonderful woman, a great hostess, an amazing cook and baker. You know how to take care of your home. Most men would kill for a woman like you. You are the only thing in the way of your own happiness Vicky.
You are a fighter. You've come through an abusive home. You've witness things that no child should ever have to see. You were raised with parents that consistently told you how much they didn't want you or care about you. You married a man because you were lonely and you survived the divorce. Remember just how much you've gone through. When you do, remember that exercising and eating right are simple actions compared to anything you've ever experienced.
I'm your closest friend. I will cheer you on at each and every victory as well as at any set back. I will wipe that sweat off of your forehead during each mile you walk...and eventually run. I will continually give you the support and guidance that you need to succeed in life.
It's time that I took care of you.