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My Mom and My Remaining Weight Won’t Stop Me

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

This morning, I auditioned for a huge gig and did extremely well. I couldn’t tell you how nervous/excited I was, but man, I was determined. I WANT this job, bad. It’s a dream of mine, something that I’ve always wanted to do. Like I said, my audition went very well and for the first time in a long time, I had fun while auditioning. For a lot of actors like myself, auditions are nerve-wracking affairs. You freak out over every little detail, sit in a room with around 10-100 (or more depending on the show) other people and there is always traffic to tend with. It’s a hot mess, but once you get that gig it is so worth it. This particular audition was no different and my teeth were chattering with nervousness. When my number was called, I went into the room, said hello and went over to the pianist who is your only friend for those few minutes.

SparkBuddies, I ROCKED my song. Seriously. I had fun, felt comfortable and thank you God, my voice was clear as a bell. Not one flub, not one mucus covered note. It was bliss. The music director wrote some things down on my resume; it didn’t stop me. I kept singing, rocking it until the music director stopped me after about only 20 bars of music (thank goodness she let me sing my high F).

“Thank you MissB8604, that’s all we need for today. Take care.”

I quickly said thank you to her, thank you to the pianist and left the room. Some of my fellow actors were nervously waiting outside and said some lovely things to me. One person was even surprised that I didn’t get called back.

No call back?
No dance call?

Okay, I know, it’s the nature of the business. I did my best to walk out of the studio with confidence and get to my car with a smile on my face. Immediately I texted BRITT831 and called my mom as I drove home. I gave her the run down; she listened intently and said…

“Well, maybe they wanted someone that was a size 12.”
My heart skipped a beat (and not in a good way). “What do you mean?”
“I think they didn’t call you back, because they wanted someone smaller. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good you are.”
“But I used to be a size 12…”
“Yeah, but you’re not anymore. You must accept that.”

Unfortunately, I burst into tears. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to have my failure at no longer being a size 12 pointed out? HELL NO. After I finished sobbing in my car, I went into the house, had a WWIII sized argument with my mother and went to work.

Why in the world would my mother have specifically said a size 12? Why didn’t she just say a size 2-6 (which is sometimes specifically asked for, this particular audition didn’t)? What in the world made her say such a thing to me, knowing how devastated I remain at not maintaining a 100lb loss? I think I’m a mixture of angry at myself AND her. Me, for not maintaining my 100lb loss and her, for simply being without tact. When I left the house today, I barely said goodbye and she looked pretty sad. I don’t think I would be half as upset if she didn’t flaunt her size 8/10 in my face. Isn’t your mother supposed to support you?

Despite my attempts, I’m still pretty bummed about our argument and what was said on her part. I just can’t shake it. I’ve worked hard at accepting myself as what I am, and working toward getting back to what I was around this time last year. I’m back at the gym (at 275 minutes so far), watching what I eat (tracking no longer works for me) and am doing my best to be positive despite going through an extremely bad bout of depression.

I think it’s hitting me so hard because it’s my mom and not my dad doing the damage this time. Maybe I’m too sensitive, I don’t know.

All I know is weight won’t stop me. My mom won't stop me. Yeah, it may take me longer to get the gig I want (the skinny culture is alive and well), but it isn’t going to stop me. My life was spared/saved for a reason, and I refuse to lose any more years not going for the things that I want because I happen to be a 14/16.
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  • BINGO24
    MissB, you have always known where I am coming from and that is you are now healthy and that is what counts the most.

    If the role did not call for a specific body type, perhaps it was neither your talent, nor your weight that had anything to do with you not getting the part. Perhaps you were simply not the person that the music director was looking for. As you know in the theatrical business, these auditions do not always seem to make sense. In the end, you also know that you have the talent and ability to get your share of parts and the more parts you get, the easier it becomes. This was just a bump in the road and you can take heart in that you nailed your audition the way you wanted it to be. That is very important. You did it for you! emoticon

    As far as your mother's comment, she needs to be made to understand that such comments do nothing to help the situation or your relationship with her. And that should be the most important thing to her, your relationship.

    Just stay the course of being kind to yourself. You deserve it! And those parts will keep coming. Much love, Nancy emoticon emoticon
    1643 days ago
    That was very thoughtless of her, and what a silly conclusion to jump to! As with any job interview, you are subject to the whims of the person you meet with - it could have been any little thing, or nothing. A lot of times people end up hiring someone they know - it's unfair, but it's life.

    That being said, I'm a mom, and here's what I'd like to say to you. You did your best, you became one with the music, and that is amazing. You felt it, you were in the groove, and if nothing comes of this, it is their loss, but it is your opportunity, because it gave you another chance to rehearse. Keep working at it, keep doing what you do and you will succeed.

    As to your weight - that's a totally different subject. Look at Adele - there aren't many other Adeles out there, but her beautiful figure makes her even that much more special, and that much more of a role model to "regular" people.

    1651 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/17/2013 7:48:46 PM
  • PICKIE98
    UH-UH...NO SHE DID-UNT!!!!!!

    Bullies need to steal power from others to BE the bully, like a battery.
    There is a lesson to be learned here: Mom does NOT have to know everything about you. Switch that tell-all person to your Brit and skip the mom unit. You have the power too..

    Sometimes we squeeze an apple and expect to get orange juice.. How often did we get that orange juice from the apple?
    1652 days ago
    From the small time I was in that whirlpool, you got everything right. Its a picky business and the more you don't called back the more you want to try harder next time until the perfect job will land in your lap.

    SIZE has nothing to do with it.
    1652 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    Sorry you didn't get called back, but maybe it's not the right job for you at this time. God knows best. And yes, mothers are supposed to be supportive no matter what! From reading some of your previous blogs, I think your mother is jealous of you & she puts you down so she can feel better about herself. I'm not a doctor but it's just my opinion. emoticon emoticon
    1652 days ago
    Yes, mom is supposed to support you and be there to boost you up. It's hard to figure people out - there could be a lot of reasons why she purposefully said something to bring you down. But all that matters is what YOU think of yourself, and keep your focus on the next audition. emoticon
    1652 days ago
    You stick with it! The only obstacle to success is ourselves. You are destined for great things. I think you know that and I sense it too.

    I used to get comments too all the time. I am 4 ft. 10.5 in and weighed 200+ lbs. Ok, that was not good on my small frame at all! Healthy issues really kicked me in the pants to where I had to decide to do this for ME to get healthy. So here I am. It takes a long time to get where we're at weight wise, and it will also take time to get to our desired weight. Meantime, we can't give up hope!

    1652 days ago
    Oh my gosh, that's awful. I am so, so sorry. That is NOT what you needed to hear in that moment. I know how hard it can be to get that "tough love" attitude. It is completely unhelpful. emoticon
    1652 days ago
    I just found a treasure trove of letters dating back to when I was a teenager. Some were from my grandmother, who loved me to absolute death, but who always rode me about my weight (I was curvy as a teen. I don't know if "fat" applied or not). Reading it in the letters again was really something ("you have such a pretty face" kind of stuff).

    Don't let this get you down. Nothing will hold you back. My daughter sent me a phone photo of two lines from The Fountainhead yesterday: "My dear fellow, who will let you?" "That's not the point. The point is, who will stop me?"
    1653 days ago
    You've got what it takes to do what you want to do. GO FOR IT!!
    I'm in your corner.
    1653 days ago
    stay focused and God will help you.
    1653 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1653 days ago
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