25,000-29,999 SparkPoints 29,364


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

For the most part, as I was on the Take Shape for Life Medifast program, I didn't dream about food or gaining weight. Sometimes I would dream I accidentally ate something I shouldn't, but those dreams have haunted me for a long, long time anyway. And really, given how restrictive the diet is, I'm surprised I didn't have them more.

Fast forward to now. The past couple of nights, food has definitely been in my dreams, as has my fear of "getting fat". And I figure if my mind is trying to process it as I sleep, maybe I need to spend some awake time figuring out why this is happening and how to combat it.

I have been fat nearly all my life. From about 1st grade up until this year, I've always been bigger than I should be. Sometimes it was just a wee bit, but most of the time, I would have been considered Obese on the BMI.

When you spend this much of your life overweight/obese, you have NO IDEA what it's like to live like the "normal" population. The population that can fit into standard clothes sizes. The population that doesn't get picked on for being fat.

But in some ways, I feel the pressure to stay "thin" is even greater at 153 pounds than it was at 268. At 268, I was fat, pure and simple. Yes, it wasn't good to see the scale go up, but come on - 2 pounds wouldn't have miraculously made me go from obese to overweight or even "normal".

Now, I'm trying to maintain right at my BMI. While I'm not really insistent on staying within my BMI, it is imperative for me to maintain a healthy weight. I've seen how life is on the other side, and I don't like it.

And I think that's where the fear comes from. The fear comes from me afraid of losing control over my eating and somehow getting back to that bad place. I have lived so little of my life IN a healthy weight, I don't know anything BUT out-of-control eating. Yes, I've spent 9 months on Medifast, but I was losing weight. Also, eating the meal replacements isn't the same as normal meals.

It's easy to be afraid when you do something new. I was scared when I started TSFL - and now, it's like second nature. Now, I need to learn a NEW normal - healthy living. I'm making good food choices (at least I think I am), but it's just the change that is throwing me off.

I definitely don't want to regain all that weight. But you see, unlike in the past, where a blown day meant I ate everything in sight and tomorrow was always the day I'd start my diet over again, now I realize that I don't need to throw in the towel because I accidentally had one too many servings of X or I ate Y instead of Z. And the important part is: if I see myself veering off Maintenance, I don't despair. I head back onto a tighter weight loss program and start back up.

My dreams of overeating and eating the wrong foods don't need to hold me back and scare me. Instead, they can make me work harder to be diligent. Diligence will keep me on maintenance - and help me live a healthy life now and in the future!
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You can do it! Just don't let it take over your life. You have come so far, you can keep this up!!
    1649 days ago
    Transforming how we think about ourselves can't be a quick process. "Relapse" dreams are extremely common. Maybe they're there to make us more mindful so we don't get careless. I've never heard of a way to combat them -- even some long-sober alcoholics can have relapse dreams.

    We may put ourselves under extra stress when we're at/near goal. I cope better with an overnight 3-pound gain today than I did when 3-pounds pushed me back into Overweight range. The steps I take to get back on track are exactly the same, but the anxiety I put myself through is much less.
    1650 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    Here's to life on the other side and doing what it is we need to do!
    1650 days ago
    Hmm, I don't dream about food much. In my dreams I'm always thin and perfect. Perhaps I scrolled through a few too many Pinterest pins. emoticon
    1650 days ago
    1650 days ago
  • TINAJ15
    So inspiring! Great job on making it to maintenance! I pray that I join you in that club some day. Great job!
    1650 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.