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Sunday, October 13, 2013

The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts. -Conan O'Brien

Yeah, money is tight right now in Washington. In fact after 128 years, the National Aquarium in D.C. may have to close because it's running out of money. Officials say they plan on relocating all the fish to another aquarium nearby -- then the fish were like, 'Hey, isn't that a Red Lobster?' -Jimmy Fallon

The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here! What are we doing here? Shouldn't we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang? -Jimmy Kimmel

They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA's next mission to Mars. Isn’t that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can't go to the Statue of Liberty. -Jay Leno

It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king? -David Letterman

During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren't any other quote “rabbits in our hat.” Plus, they're still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear. -Jimmy Fallon

As if we didn't have enough to worry about here in Los Angeles, something happened today that put us all on high alert. It rained. In fact, it was so wet that Kris and Bruce Jenner are battling for custody of their umbrella. -Craig Ferguson

Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. -Jay Leno

Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism? The duffin is a combination of a donut and a muffin, and if you eat enough of them you get a combination of diabetes and heart disease. After four or five years of eating the duffin, they'll put you in a cuffing. -David Letterman

Officials in Kuwait claim they have a new test that can “detect” gay people and prevent them from entering the country. That's not to be confused with that other way to prevent people from entering Kuwait — the sign that says "Welcome to Kuwait." -Jimmy Fallon

We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown. If this were a "Lord of the Rings" movie, we'd be almost halfway through. -Craig Ferguson

How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up? -Jay Leno

I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in. -Jay Leno

The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant — Leap of Faith Sushi. -Conan O'Brien

The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems. -Craig Ferguson
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