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I've Come Further than I Thought...

Friday, October 11, 2013

Looking back over this past week i've realized something now that i'm a bit more clear headed...I've come further along than i thought.

You see, even though for a day or so this week I was fighting with my inner demons (that bitch voice in my head that lives to torment me with my past) I came out of it with a better understanding of who I really am.

Who am i?

I'm a WARRIOR. Warriors fight in the midst of the deadliest outcomes and with all of their heart still press forward until they are either left for dead or walk away victorious. I've always been a fighter. My parents were abusive growing up (while some kids got spanked with a belt, my father spanked us with a leather spiked belt...yes, leather METAL SPIKED belt, my mother would pull me around by my hair and slap or punch me in the face if she felt so inclined to do so). I could have easily given up on life and became like them. BUT i CHOSE to love others instead. I CHOSE to be kind to others. I CHOSE to bring out the best in others instead. I CHOSE to always see the good in others and learn to love people in spite of their downfalls.

What else am I?

I'm a hard worker. I've worked full time since i was 14yrs old. I was a freshman at the age of 14 and as long as my GPA was above a 3.7 the school signed a waiver stating i could work. I made my own money and paid for all of my own things. All that i depended upon my parents to provide was a roof over my head. I admire hard working people. It does not matter what you do as long as you work hard to either provide for yourself or for your family. There's something about working hard that builds this sense of accomplishment within you. This same sense carries over to our working hard for our health.

I'm an open book. There should never be a moment where someone has to guess how i feel about them. I'm never rude (at least i try not to be) but i am honest, frank and straight forward. Some may consider that rude, but i'm the same in the broad of day light as i am alone at night. I share my struggles because i know there are others out there going through similar situations. Why not be open and honest and help one another out?

Why did i just write all of this?

Because even though this past week i was battling with my inner voice I know i am victorious.

* I've lost 62lbs
* Even though i was told by my Dr to not walk, i was not defeated. I did not just decide to sit on the couch. I came up with a Plan B to keep my legs, body and heart healthy.
* I love myself in spite of what the world may think of me.
* I find the greatness in others when they themselves cannot see their strength, wisdom, and all that is amazing about themselves.

I'm a lot of things but what i am not is..

* I am not a quitter
* I am not beaten
* I am not ignorant
* I am not unworthy of anything
* I am not unloved
* I am not fallen
* I am not weak

All of the things that have ever happened to me, all of the things that inner voice tries to remind me about...they just prove to me just how damn strong i actually am.

* I survived abusive parents
* I survived an abusive, failed marriage
* I survived moving across the country to a state where i knew no one

I've survived and i'm living my life the best I can.

I may still be overweight in the worlds eyes, but i am so much more of a warrior than i ever dreamed of being.
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