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Day 680- Unrealistic Expectations

Friday, October 11, 2013

Today, I'm going to touch on something I've touched on a few times before because it seems to be affecting me a lot lately.

If you've followed my blog, you will know that I got engaged in April, 6 months ago tomorrow actually. I didn't want to get engaged until I was under 200 and I don't want to get married until I'm under 150. And since we've set our wedding date for next November, I've got 13 months to lose that last 30 pounds.

And for some reason, I figured refocusing would mean that I'd lose those 30 pounds in the next three months then maintain for 10. And that's just not how it's going to happen. After three nights of working out consisting of two runs (2 and 3.1 miles) and a bike ride (7 miles) and three good days of eating, I'm up 2 pounds. This process isn't easy and it doesn't always work the way you want it to. I lost 90 pounds in my first year and then maintained for almost a whole year, so why in the world did I think losing these last 30 pounds was going to be easy.

I just have to keep working at it and hope my body gives in, or maybe come to the conclusion that the 170-180 range is just where my body is going to stay.

Unrealistic expectations are also really hurting me shopping for wedding dresses. It's to the point where I just don't want to do it anymore. I've been to 6 shops and tried on over 40 dresses. I think I had a vision in my head of how I was going to look after losing all this weight, and that just didn't happen once you put me in white dresses. I still have back fat to deal with, and the apron of skin that used to be my belly that doesn't look that great in any dresses that are tight in my mid-section. I don't fit into sample size dresses and still look like I'm trying to fill sausage casing when I try most of them on.

I really need to work on my self-esteem and mental images. I need to tell myself it's not about the size of the dress or the flabby upper arms. It's about the healthy life I can lead now, as compared to the unhealthy path I was headed down. But I can't help but be frustrated. Every bride wants to feel beautiful, and not one dress has made me feel that way.

Maybe I won't have that AHA moment like some brides do when they find THE dress. But I just wish the process was more enjoyable.

In other news, I went to the neurologist yesterday and got a new medication that is supposed to help with headache prevention that is also an appetite suppressant so maybe that will help me stay more focused in the future months.

I'm going to keep eating right, exercising, and drinking water and hope eventually that winning combination will mean movement in the right direction again...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    920 days ago
    Mmmmm, yeah. Tough stuff really. In chatting up so many people that have been successful here, but have found themselves in more of a maintenance mode for months and months, I was surprised to hear them tell me they didn't really think they looked all that great. While they were losing the weight, they were ecstatic about how they looked, but once plateauing they became focused on the parts they still didn't like. You look incredible, and I bet that any dress that you picked in the right fit, would look amazing on you. A friend of mine explained to me recently how our bodies adapt to the regular exercises we put them through, using less energy to accomplish them. He explained that you would either need to do those activities for longer to burn the same amount of calories, or switch things up and try doing new exercises that work muscle groups that we don't normally work. For running, I've pushed now to 42 minute runs, and my weight loss has sparked back up to about 2 pounds per week, as opposed to the zero to one pounds per week I was experiencing in September. Just a thought! :-D
    1643 days ago
    FOR SURE--just keep doing good things--muscles weigh more than fat so you MIGHT go up. But if you are following a healthy lifestyle, you WILL look good!!!
    1649 days ago
    You got it. Don't quit.

    1650 days ago
    You still have 6 months before you HAVE to order the dress. Don't stress. I know you probably don't WANT to try on a plus-size sample, but they have them and that might help you visualize what you'll look like and feel better about yourself when you're probably swimming in the dress. Try on lots of different styles - not just the style you have in mind. A completely different style might look best on you,

    I went for a bridesmaid's dress and the samples are all so tiny that not one of the bridal party could actually try the dress on to see what it will look like! If the average woman is a 14, why are the sames sizes a 6 or 8?!? They don't seem to realize that if the dresses look good when girls try them on, girls will want to buy them! The problem is with the dress shops - not you!

    1651 days ago
    First, you are gorgeous and have come so far. I just wanted to put that out there from an outside perspective. I know it's frustrating to go up on the scale, but it's only a small gain and only after a few days of exercise and eating right - there are so many reasons (your chronic headache issues included) that could be causing that budge up on the scale, and it WILL start heading down soon! Just keep plugging away.

    Second, stop paying attention to wedding dress sizes. They all run small! I remember I got married at age 22 and was a size 6 normally, and my immature 20-something self was mortified that they ordered me a size 10 gown (so funny, when now 15 years later I'm so happy to be wearing 8s and 10s again! ha!). When my wedding dress came in, the 10 was SNUG and I was so glad they ordered "big." It's how wedding dresses are! Don't pay attention to the number.

    Third, take a break from the gown shopping. You aren't in the right mental frame of mind and you have PLENTY of time!!! The bridal shops try to pressure you to order extra early and tell you the gown will take 6 - 8 months to come in, but the truth is they will get it to you much faster. You have time. Give yourself a few months (or even 6 months!) to get the weight loss started up again and you'll start feeling more confident. You deserve to have the gown of your dreams, so if you are not in the right frame of mind to do that right now, give yourself a break. You've put a lot of pressure on yourself. Just give it some time. And wear some spanx to the next shopping trip! There's no shame in spanx, even skinny skinny skinny girls wear them for their wedding day!

    But please know, you already look fantastic. Just keep putting baby steps, one foot in front of the other, and you will reach those goals!

    1651 days ago
  • JILLRY03
    I tried on countless dresses and didn't stop until I found the one and believe me you will find it! You have done amazing in your weight loss journey and will continue to do amazing in the rest of your journey so maybe hold off until you are closer to your goal! You have already found the "one" that makes your heart whole and I'm sure that he will think you are gorgeous in whatever dress you feel is the "one"! Good Luck we are all routing for you!
    1651 days ago
    1651 days ago
    Aw sweetie, part of what is going on with you is your health issues. Constant migraines wear you down and affect your thought process - as a fellow sufferer, I know. You are so beautiful right now, both inside and out. Maybe the weight you have as a goal is unrealistic for your height and frame. What really matters is that you have achieved so much and are so much healthier now than when you started your journey. You will find the dress. My sister tried on about twenty and went back to the first one. I was ready to kill her. I tried on white ones and looked like the Vampire Bride - they totally washed me out. Then I tried on one in a colour called candlelight and it was The One. You hang in there. Can't wait to see pictures of you walking down that aisle!
    1652 days ago

    I hear your frustration. You are beautiful right now, in the body you are in. You will be a beautiful bride. Hang in there. Everything in God's time.
    1652 days ago
    do think about changing your exercise maybe your body has gotten used to what you do change works at times but he fell in love with YOU not YOUR BODY just relax you can do it
    1654 days ago
    I weighed 270 when I got married. I gained the last 30 of that in the two months leading up to the wedding, which meant my dress had to have emergency alterations because I was way too big. I loved that dress, even if it was strapless and showed my arms. My mistake was buying it too soon.

    You have accomplished so much and come so far. You have 13 months, I'd start shopping closer to the date to give yourself some time to get to where you want to be both physically and mentally. We can be so mean to ourselves, we are harsh and critical in ways the people around us would never be. You'll find THE Dress. Don't pressure yourself and take the fun out of it. Plan everything else and let the dress shopping go for a while. Start again when you feel more positive.
    1654 days ago
  • SBFT84
    I am always so excited when my old clothes get too loose to wear, and then I hate myself when I go try to buy new clothes. They NEVER look as good as I had imagined. I am never the size that I see in my mind. So, I started taking my tablet with me, and I take photos of the clothes I am trying on. It helped me pick out better looking clothes, and showed what I wanted to hide. Then I gained 25 pounds back and I am now wondering why I was so unhappy in those clothes! Maybe try a rental place and try on the gowns there , see if you can find a style you really love, and make shopping fun again! Good luck!
    1654 days ago
    You also need to entirely change out your exercise routine as your body is too used to what you do and how you do it. It's in a rut so to speak.
    1654 days ago
    The weight and body shape will do what they will do, and your predictions won't necessarily be accurate. I bought two suits after I hit goal and was done losing weight. A year later, I had to pay to have one tailored to a slimmer me; the other is still hanging in my closet, unworn. One of these days I may try it on and decide to have it altered, too.

    I'd say, go look for a wedding dress when you're confident that you are at the body shape you will have for a long while, or a few weeks before the wedding. Yes, every bride wants to look beautiful. You are fortunate to have a prospective husband who looks beyond the shape of your body to how beautiful you are as a person. And guess what? That long term relationship with just the right person far outweighs a one-day event, even a one-day event as significant as your wedding.
    1654 days ago
    Give yourself time my friend. To begin with, why would you shop for your dress a year in advance? It isn't that you are not sample sized it is that you aren't finished your journey. Give yourself a break. You can either drive yourself crazy thinking you're not good enough, or try on the dresses that ARE your size right now an get an idea of a style that does suit you. This should be the most exciting time in your life. DOn't spoil your own good time dear. Have some patience and make sure you are eating ENOUGH to support all that exercise or it wail all come back and you know it. Slow down and enjoy your wedding adventure and your miraculous journey.

    1654 days ago
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    1654 days ago
    Yep! i can so relate. i start losing weight and I start planning in my head that I will be at x by this month and y by this month and it never works that way. It almost always is the beginning of a plateau or at least an extreme slowdown in losing weight. I have decided I will get there when I get there. I can't realistically lose 1-2 lbs every week.
    1654 days ago
    Good Attitude!!
    1654 days ago
    I lost all the weight I wanted the first year I tried here on spark. maintained about a year then GAINED 20 of it back! Stress food and wine were big factors! Now this year I lost only 7 I gained which means 13 more to feel "skinny" again! And I also trained for 2 full marathons this year!!! I have loose skin on my belly from 3 babies. It stinks but its better then fat. Spanx it up if you need to gal! You will have that aha moment I know it! emoticon
    1654 days ago
  • THOMS1
    You have done a great job losing the weight you have. This is a lifestyle change not just a get ready for the wedding weight loss thing. Don't let your weight interfere with your wedding plans. You love him right/ He loves you right? Don't waste time because you never know whats around the next corner. emoticon
    1654 days ago
    I'm sorry this hasn't been a happier process for you but you you're right about the important part being what you can do that you couldn't 90 lbs ago. The other important part is that your fiancé loves you, not the dress so find one that makes you feel like a bride but don't stress too much.
    1654 days ago
    OK! Jan-Marie! You are gorgeous, you have come soooo far and it really makes me sad to hear you talk about yourself like this.. Some brides don't get sappy.. I didn't. I liked a dress from the catalog, tried on a handful of other options just to be sure that was the style that worked for me and settled on the one I picked from the book.. I've learned that society has made us have expectation on how we should feel and what we should do when certain milestones happen, but everyone is different. You're marrying the man of your dreams and I promise you, you will feel so beautiful dancing in his arms as his wife no matter the size of your dress. If its any consolation I've been feeling like I could be happy at 220 and not really go any further, didn't lose any last week, skipped the gym all week this week, but still had a little baby loss of less than a pound, but no we are not done yet, either of us, the number may stay the same, but I've got a lot more muscle and endurance to build and so do you!!
    1654 days ago
    Don't let the scale get you down. You have done/are doing an awesome job. Keep doing what you are doing and things will settle out and the scale will move some more. Even if it doesn't, you are beautiful and you WILL find THE dress. You still have plenty of time.
    1654 days ago
    Remember, you're fantastic no matter what the scale says.
    1654 days ago
    you're on the right path, you know that. And hopefuly you will reach your goal before you say I do...but if you don't, that's okay too! Just like you've said, you are healthy and on a much better road now than you were before and that is something to be proud of and embrace. :) You will find THE dress...just give it a little more time. And you will be gorgeous in it!
    1654 days ago
  • XRSIZE18
    Ugh. Wedding dress shopping can be so frustrating... why are the sample sizes all size 6 and 8 when the average person is a 10-12?? dumb. Are you remembering to wear some good shapewear when you go to try on? It might change your perception...

    Hope things get better. Sometimes it takes a while before you break through a plateau. Have you mixed up your exercise routine and added in some intense strength training? I've heard that can work.
    1654 days ago
    Think of how far you've come and the amazing things you've achieved with your body. This time is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, so enjoy it thoroughly! Don't stress about the things you can't control--you're doing everything you can right now, and the rest will follow.
    1654 days ago
    1654 days ago
    1654 days ago
    Yea I had the same feeling. I got married at 160 lbs which I didn't like being. I tried on one dress and bought it because I didn't want to keep looking. Now I enviously watch Say Yes to the Dress.
    1654 days ago
    totally relate!!! :-( same situation.. these last 25 pounds are being quite tricky! and sometimes I just wonder if it's just not meant to be. but such a shame to have come so far and not quite reached my goal!...
    but I also think I am coming to the place where I need to once again accept the body that I am in and not be quite so hard on myself!
    but now I am feeling anxious about trying on wedding dresses at Christmas! have you tried any corseted type dresses? I haven't tried anything yet so I am not sure what's going to be a problem in terms of loose skin... :-( ah well.. I am sure once the big day arrives none of that will matter?
    1654 days ago
    Girl, here's the thing. You don't want to p;lace your life on hold until you lose the rest of the weight you want to lose. ENJOY the life you are in right at this moment. BASK in the glory taht you worked your ass off to lose those first 90 pounds. And guess what? Your fiance LOVED you when you were 90lbs heavier. So these last 30lbs, i'm pretty sure he couldcare less about. You are beautifiul. ENJOY your wedding and the entire process girlie.
    1654 days ago
    I totally understand how you're feeling right now. My 1st year I lost 81lbs. Then for 2 years I lost/gained the same 30+lbs!! In 2013 I was back up to 240lbs (293 my highest) and right now I'm 166lbs. As I get closer to my goal weight of 155-158 I start to get more nervous about maintenance. I am engaged too and the thought of trying on dresses terrifies me b/c I know all I'll see is my saggy arms and that line on the stomach where the skin hangs that you were talking about. I've been struggling with excepting the loose skin--hey it could be fat , right? I say just keep pushing for the next few months to lose that last 30lbs, sometimes your body just needs an extra push!! I know you can do it!!!
    1654 days ago
  • MKD4444
    You really do have the right idea. It's hard, I know. But you're taking such good care of yourself, and losing those last 30 pounds (or 20, or 15) over the next year will be so much better than dropping it in the next few weeks. You've already maintained a HUGE loss for a year, so you know the reality of it. I hope you do find that perfect dress, whether it's an AHA moment or not. But regardless, you will be beautiful because you're getting married to someone you love and starting a new life together and your joy on that day will shine through despite the size of your dress.
    1655 days ago
    Thank you for sharing! I've only recently started following your blog, but I have to tell you that your journey & your willingness to share your ups and downs is very inspiring! I haven't even dared to start my wedding dress shopping yet for many of the same reasons you described! Please don't let it get you down, you've accomplished so much already, I'm sure the rest will come for you! Good luck with the new medication, I hope it helps!

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    1655 days ago
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