Follow-up to Battling Demons
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
I think it's funny how a complete stranger can take me back to where i need to go. Yesterday I was battling with my inner voice. That voice that loves to tell me how terrible I am, how i'm never going to amount to much in this world, how I will always be that lonely fat girl that could only wish to be happy. I battle with that inner voice often.
And days like yesterday that voice claims victory over me. I was so beaten by the time i finally got home that i just laid on my couch and cried.
Here's the amazing part...
As i laid there with tears streaming down my face I spoke to the one person that i KNEW would get me. I'm a believer. I have been since i was 14yrs old. I was not raised in church. In fact, my parents believed in us kids finding out for ourselves what we wanted and believed in life. At the age of 14 i met some amazing people and they had a love that i never had. I found out that love was the gift of Christ in their lives. I was hungry for it because it was something i never had or experienced. So after about 4 months of searching and learning and digging a bit deeper I gave my life over to Him.
NOW...i am no where near perfect. Too often people associate believers and Christ followers with being perfect. I fall from Grace quite often. But here's the thing...He loves me regardless of my mess-ups. Unconditional love...wow...i remember when i first heard of it...it blew me away.
Well...so as i was laying there crying i called out and spoke openly and just simply asked some pointed questions. I can always tell when i walk away from what i know is right. My life starts to fall apart. I mean, i go to church every weekend, but i lost way somewhere of my quiet time and just my daily conversations with Him. I needed to get back to a love that i knew was perfect and right...and mine.
So as i did that a funny thing started to happen...friends started texting me or reaching out to me and it was just a small piece of how powerful He really is. Just when i needed some tangible lift me up...He provided. It never fails.
THEN this morning i open up my email and see some responses from my blog yesterday titled Battling Demons and i find a fellow Sparkie requesting i look up Psalm 139...how faithful He is...
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I will still battle that inner voice i'm sure. But i need to remember I have a stronger warrior on my side. Way too often i allow satan to rule my thoughts but i must remember my stance in life...i must remember the truth.
Today i'm feeling better. Things are a little more right in the world.
Nothing actually ever happened to cause me to beat myself up. Nothing at all. No one did or said anything. It was just all me. I shared some pictures with a friend and she suggested i place them on FB since i've been using it as an accountability measure with friends. I did because truth be told - what a difference 1.5yrs can make! I was proud of the changes i've made. BUT that inner voice started harping on me and making me feel less than a woman...less of a person. I was so fearful that i would get negative reinforcement that it messed me up all day long. BUT there was not one negative thing said to me. Quite the contrary.
I have amazing friends in my life. And they love me. I just need to learn to love myself more and have more confidence in myself. It's a battle that's hard for me.
But i just wanted to clear the air...there wasn't anything that someone did or said...it was just me battling with myself.
It's so easy for me to lpove others. To encourage others. To lend a hand and lift someone else up when they need it. BUT i fail at it for myself. It's easy to treat others the way you, yourself would want to be treated. Yet it's difficult to treat myself with the same love and respect.
It's a new day. And a new beginning...