Tuesday, October 08, 2013
It's easy to log on and just blog about the great things happening. The races, the training, the eating better and healthier...but what about the rest of the crap?
Sometimes life just sucks. That's the cleanest way i can say it. I've never hidden my true self in my blogs so why start now? I put my bad days out there because i'm real. There's never a time when someone should wonder how i feel about something. I'm pretty open. I'm open to the point where it hurts.
In the last month or so i've expressed my battles with my inner demon. That bitchy little voice in my head that LOVES to tell me that i'm not good enough, i'm not worthy of anything good in life, that i will ALWAYS be just the fat friend, that i will never accomplish any of my goals. I hate that little bitch!
But guess what? That inner voice will NEVER go away. So many times i've thought about how i can squash her. She knows my inner most fears. She knows everything about me that i hate. She will ALWAYS use it against me. How in the hell do you battle someone like that?
As i sit here with tears running down my face, because the bitch knocked me around a bit today, i've realized something. Maybe others already know this - but they forgot to share the damn secret!
That wretched inner voice is just simply me. It's me not believing in myself enough. It's me not loving myself enough. It's me not thinking i deserve better in life. It's me that brings up my past and flaunts it in my face.
It's all me.
No one else would ever say the things i say to myself.
No one else would hurt me the way i hurt myself.
So why do i allow it to happen?
It's my battle. A battle that has always been hard for me to win.
I can do all of these races. I can have amazing people in my life. I can love the work that i do. I can shower others with praises and words of affirmation. But i lack in providing for myself what i've always wanted.
I have yet to accept myself, flaws and all. I still see myself as that couch potato girl that allowed herself to get her heart and life trampled on by people that didn't give a crap about how much they hurt her.
I don't always easily share this side of me with others. It's not that i'm hiding it (I bear it all here in my blogs) it's just hard to discus it with people that don't understand. But here...most of us have been on a similar path.
There are so many amazing people on Spark. Not because they lost all of this weight or accomplished some heroic event. But because they are real and raw with us. Those are the people i love. Those that aren't afraid to say that they are lost and hurting. Those that are still struggling to find their way in this world. Those are the people that i wish i could just walk over to and hug them. Do you know how much a hug could actually mean to someone that is down and our hurting? It could mean the world. It can make all the difference.
So today...right now...i'm pretty raw. Not because something happened, but because i wish I were something more.
It's my battle. No one can stand in front of me with their sword drawn ready to fight my demons. It's my battle that i need to face. And i need to figure out a way to win otherwise i'll continually walk down this path.