something like clinging
Friday, October 04, 2013
so, I haven't deleted my profile, but nothing has changed. I have been still stressing out about how much I eat and still eating roughly the same amount of calories. I have been pedaling on my "bike" five out of seven days for thirty minutes a day, I walk at work, I cut back and control my portions, and NOTHING CHANGES. Still the same freaking weight, not losing anything, and feeling crappier about it every day. I can't briskly walk from office to car without feeling out of breath, and a quick step up my fourteen step staircase in my home leaves me all but gasping for breath, and sometimes light headed. HOW THE H*LL did I go from doing INSANITY last year (AT THE SAME WEIGHT MIND YOU) to not being able to think hard without being short of breath????????????
EVERY day makes it harder, I know I could be worse off but I don't wanna get WORSE before I get better, BUT NOTHING I DO CHANGES ANYTHING, it just stresses me out, makes me even more depressed and stressed out. My mom was severely obese for my entire childhood before she was told she had two choices: have gastric bypass or die of a heart attack. She doesn't want me to let it get any worse, and I don't want it to but I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. It is really insane that a walking workout was easier to get living in the city than it is living out here in the middle of freakin' NOWHERE! My partner won't take a walk with me, and I got NOONE else that I socialize with here.... god, i hate it here.
weight=stress=more weight=depression about weight= eating my feelings= more stress about weight= more weight= freaking out about weight only to have my partner to shrug and say something UBER-caring like "get over it" = more depression = virtual emotional detachment from anything real= more depression