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Almost a year later since my last blog....

Thursday, October 03, 2013

The need to love myself is greater than I can explain. I am a 33 year old woman that does not see herself as being an adult because I do not have adult things. I do not live with my husband in my own house. I have a boyfriend instead. I do not have nice clothes and a great career, all I have is the ones I can afford for my budget and size, 18/20. I am a hairstylist who is much like a starving artist who ultimately works for herself. I have a very old used car that I had to borrow money to buy because the car I had was destroyed. I live with my mother in her home. I have no true assets in this world that is worth any type of monetary value, and you can never put a price on a child. I have food stamps and a SSA check my daughter receives because her biological father passed away back in 2006. I have no steady income. In fact I am about $1000.00 in debt right now, maybe a bit more. Not because I am lazy. Not because I do not try to get myself together. I am very talented at what I do. I love doing hair and makeup. I love seeing others in complete joy.

Yet the fact that I do not work in a great location with high people, the fact that I do not have a great boyfriend that takes care of me and spoils my soul, the fact that my friends are vague and barely know me, the reason I haven’t even lost the rest of this weight isn’t anyone else’s fault but my very own. Yes I said it. Why? Because I have not learned to love myself. A person who sees themselves as valuable and loves themselves beyond belief would have what they want. Love is what can make it work. It sounds so basic, but it is very true. Think about all the times you have suffered and are suffering. Did you get yourself into that suffering because you loved yourself? Granted many things are not so simple. Beside I am no better and I have no clue about your stories.

I believe now with all the things I have learned about this life style change throughout the years, is that if you do not change what is in your heart about who you are you will always fall right back to that pattern. Each time I have been truly happy and at a healthy place with myself was when I loved myself for who I was. It is a very sexy thing to love yourself. When you walk around with that attitude in a positive manner you shine. I want to shine I haven’t in some time. I was very close to that a bit over a year ago but because I didn’t fix the inside. I forgot the inside is what will keep that weight off and will for sure keep the negative people away.

I fell into a dangerous pattern again. Not loving myself has put me in a mess with my life. I don’t feel sorry for myself because that too is a vicious cycle. I know damn well it is my fault. I fed into that crap. Relying on others to make me feel good is wrong and I beg that you all not do that to yourselves. Now it is great to get that support from family and friends even from your other half. The thing is you have no idea if these people in your lives are genuine in your journey. Some may be all excited for you and help out to in the end think you’re stuck up now and don’t like the new person you have become. Others may not even want to be a part of it at all because misery loves company. You might even have just one person in the end that is truly proud of this entire thing. Don’t be discouraged because the only person who should be happy is you! You are the one person that should be happy and the rest will fall into place. I talk but do I walk that life, no! What counts for me right now is I see this horrible vicious cycle and I do not want a part of it. The definition of insanity from what I have been told is doing the same thing over again expecting a different result. Or to be politically correct, Insanity: extreme foolishness; folly; senselessness; foolhardiness:

I do not want to keep repeating myself. I will change for myself and I will finally finish something I have started in my life. Mission Finish Something is what I am going to be working on and as I do I will learn to love myself!

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