Thursday, October 03, 2013
I have been mourning the death of my marriage for some time and just dreading moving into the future.
Today is a particulalry bad day. What was once a bautiful marriage has turned into a story so sad that I wish to wrap my head around it's blighted emptiness so that my own brain falls into that hollowness and fails to think of it again. I am drowning in my own recollections of joy lost. Imagined and real.
I guess this is what mourning is about. At least I acknowledge the end of an era. And i think about food and how it can fill this emptiness and fill it and fill it till my sides hurt and I fall asleep. But i know this thinking is flawed as for the past few months I have eaten myself into many food enduced comas and the fullness is fleeting. That food will not fill me today, nor has it ever. Rather it built up this thick layer of fatness to push others away from me because life has become ugly and I would rather eat than live such sadness.
I know the wanting of food to fill me and comfort me will pass. I know this sorrow will pass. The only thing that will be left is me, and I aim to love her and care for her. And I'm not so bad. Nope. Not so bad.