2. To not feel like I am too fat for love

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

I hardly even love myself sometimes. I'm generally a happy person, don't get me wrong. I can't really complain. I have great friends, a great job with great prospects, a great life on the whole. But I feel like I mask a lot of how I truly feel about myself. I'm pretty sure that only my very best friend, AA, really knows how I feel about myself, and I don’t like to tell him too much because it makes him sad and he just doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do.

I know that if someone really loves you, it matters not what your size or weight is. I totally get that. But on the other hand, I can't expect someone to look at me and say "she is beautiful, she is amazing" if I don’t feel like that about myself. It's to the point where even when I hear it, I find it hard to believe. MANY times it has crossed my mind that the person is joking, or it's some kind of bet between him and his friends (yes, I have honestly thought this).

I just haven’t had a time in my life where I've felt good enough in myself to be in a relationship. Even with my most recent boyfriend, who I was with for many years and he was 'definitely' the guy I was going to marry, he ended up cheating on me so I ended it in January this year. But you know what the first thing I thought was? 'How slim/hot was she?' That's horrible isn't it!? But I'm just being honest. Don't worry, I'm over it now (pretty much) and I will never, ever tolerate anyone disrespecting me enough to sleep with someone else (I'm also sure he did it more than once). But that's how I felt. It was almost a 'relief' to know I was right in my thinking, that I'm too fat for anyone to really want to be with properly and faithfully.

Losing weight and getting fit is a big step in improving my confidence, especially when it comes to guys. I know I have a lot to offer, and I'd make a darn good girlfriend, even if I do say so myself haha But I just need those horrible doubts to disappear. Then I can really allow someone special to be a part of my life. I don't want a guy to be the one who makes me feel good about myself. I WILL feel good about myself, and a guy will just supplement that. Slowly but surely…

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Aw! I SO hear you about hearing people say "you're beautiful" but totally not believing it. To me, I think Oh you're family or you're my friend, so you're going to say that...And its been more than year since I've heard a guy say that to me! And even still...I, like you, struggle SO much to believe this for myself...I *do* believe God has made me a beautiful person originally, but right now its just covered by layers of fat! :P BUt hey! I'm in the process of uncovering that :) I'm sorry about what you went through with your x :( I'm so glad you broke it off, and didn't give him another chance. He so didn't deserve you!!!
    But as someone else mentioned, know that when you do find the "one", he will not only love your body, but he will adore ALL of you.. Reall love deems you beautiful no matter what point you are in life, ie pregnant, size 16, size 10. But that said, a man sure appreicates a woman who strives her best to take care of her health and self :) Which you are sooo doing!!! Keep on pressing forward, and don't give up! One day we will believe and see that we ARE truly beautiful. :) Lately to help myself, I've just been pointing out (to myself) things I actually do like about my body right now. Its just a few things, but it helps me realize I have a few things I like...maybe you could try this too :) (So its not such a big shocker when you realize you ARE super beautiful, lol ;) emoticon
    2668 days ago
    Everyone wants to LGN - but you just can't hang your self-esteem on achieving it or not achieving it. You definitely haven't met the right guy yet, that's all.

    My DH really, truly loves me at any size, and, while I would be totally skeptical of anyone else telling me I'm beautiful, from him, I believe it. Will it make him happy if I get healthier and thinner? Well, hell yeah, he DOES have eyes in his head, after all. But if I never lost the weight he would still love me.

    Girl, next time you and your girlfriends get together for a chick-flick night see if you can scare up a copy of Robert Young and Dorothy McGuire in Enchanted Cottage!
    2668 days ago
  • MUFFIY831
    Wow I feel like I could have written this post myself!

    I've just recently started dating someone and I swear to you it's the first time I've ever believed anyone who's told me he thinks I'm beautiful. I still roll my eyes a little every time, but I really believe he means it, and it feels amazing.

    But, yeah, there's still a little part of me waiting for him to look over at me one day and go, "HAHA JUST KIDDDDDDING!" I'm not sure that'll ever go away. :/
    2669 days ago
    BIG emoticon
    2669 days ago
    You're so right in your attitude about a guy being a supplement to you feeling good about yourself rather than needing him to make you happy. I reckon we have to love ourselves (just a little bit) and be happy in ourselves before we can expect anyone else to want to love us. That said, you deserve to be happy, and are certainly better off without someone who is unfaithful. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Better to find out BEFORE you were married!! You seem like a really lovely person to me, from what I know about you from SP. You deserve to be with someone equally lovely and special who will love you, just as you are, but who will help you to learn to love yourself. It sounds like you have a good friend in AA. Sometimes love is right under our noses and we don't see it.

    You're on the right path, and surely the number of people on here who are telling you that you are beautiful must help a little? No-one on here has any reason to be anything other than honest about such things. You just need to start believing it yourself.

    Keep smiling your beautiful smile. x x

    p.s. I now can't get this song out of my head - you just made me think of it: Just give me a reason...

    2670 days ago
  • ERIN1957
    You are not broken, just bruised a bit.
    I know what you are dealing with, have since...well most of my life.
    I fake it, yup fake it. I just keep telling myself all the positive things I want to feel and know. Slowly but surely most of the time I am OK with my journey of me. And when I am not I just fake it again. Soon enough, I start believing and achieving and soon enough I start seeing it as well.
    Baby fake it until you make it!
    2670 days ago
  • MARY1964
    You are beautiful you know. I know that everyone telling you that won't make you believe it, you have to believe it yourself. Know though that we are really our own worst critics. Be good to yourself and stay strong in your belief that you can overcome any obstacles. You are strong, you are smart and you are beautiful.
    2670 days ago
    I've looked at your pics and you are attractive with a great shape and most definitely not fat, and to see this and know that you don't see yourself as you are deeply saddens me. That being said, you need to see yourself as you are and love yourself for that, if you don't love yourself now, it won't matter what size you are the same self doubts and criticisms will be there and will creep into and poison all aspects of your life.
    I am sorry that you have been done wrong like this by someone you loved and trusted but am glad that you had the self respect to end it, his infidelity and disrespect are on him, not you. You are not to blame for others actions and bad choices.
    I wish you the best with your workouts and relationships and most especially your vision of yourself. You are beautiful, believe it and don't let anyone diminish you.
    2670 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3248497
    You know Spark is great therapy!! I'm sorry you feel this way even though you are on the path to changing things. It'll take time but you are awesome. You just haven't met someone on your level. And as much as we chat at work, I had no idea he cheated on you!!! I wish I was there to support you. He's an ass anyway!! I'm proud to see how brave you are to post these things! I commend you b/c it's hard to just put it all out there. My friend look in a full body mirror every day & night & tell yourself how beautiful & worthy you are. Ahhhh we need to get back to daily communication again!!
    2670 days ago
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