2. To not feel like I am too fat for love
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
I hardly even love myself sometimes. I'm generally a happy person, don't get me wrong. I can't really complain. I have great friends, a great job with great prospects, a great life on the whole. But I feel like I mask a lot of how I truly feel about myself. I'm pretty sure that only my very best friend, AA, really knows how I feel about myself, and I don’t like to tell him too much because it makes him sad and he just doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do.
I know that if someone really loves you, it matters not what your size or weight is. I totally get that. But on the other hand, I can't expect someone to look at me and say "she is beautiful, she is amazing" if I don’t feel like that about myself. It's to the point where even when I hear it, I find it hard to believe. MANY times it has crossed my mind that the person is joking, or it's some kind of bet between him and his friends (yes, I have honestly thought this).
I just haven’t had a time in my life where I've felt good enough in myself to be in a relationship. Even with my most recent boyfriend, who I was with for many years and he was 'definitely' the guy I was going to marry, he ended up cheating on me so I ended it in January this year. But you know what the first thing I thought was? 'How slim/hot was she?' That's horrible isn't it!? But I'm just being honest. Don't worry, I'm over it now (pretty much) and I will never, ever tolerate anyone disrespecting me enough to sleep with someone else (I'm also sure he did it more than once). But that's how I felt. It was almost a 'relief' to know I was right in my thinking, that I'm too fat for anyone to really want to be with properly and faithfully.
Losing weight and getting fit is a big step in improving my confidence, especially when it comes to guys. I know I have a lot to offer, and I'd make a darn good girlfriend, even if I do say so myself haha But I just need those horrible doubts to disappear. Then I can really allow someone special to be a part of my life. I don't want a guy to be the one who makes me feel good about myself. I WILL feel good about myself, and a guy will just supplement that. Slowly but surely…