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The agony of defeat....

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Lately, I have felt rather quiet....off.....reflective...
...and introverted. It is a sadness that I haven't quite put my finger on. The sober reality is within me....deep. I feel as though I am at a standstill with no where to turn.....trying to find my direction ......and ......I am lost.

For two weeks now, I have listened to Sherry, our weight watchers leader. (well...I listen to her every week! LOL!)...but these last two meetings.....I have listened intently as well as to other members.

Today was forming habits that turn into routines....no matter how small....they will lead to the end result...the end goal.

One woman stated she was ANGRY. ANGRY with the sad realization she had to change if she wanted to lose weight. It was like grief losing her old self. She didn't want to do this. Many could understand.

I have listened to my friends say that eating healthy...is a DRAG.....and they too have anger issues....mad at themselves for gaining...not doing.



ME?


I realize that I feel defeated. I do......and I shouldn't.

My old coffee buddy at the meetings is now a weigher in person at our meetings. I think the world of her. She brought me a coffee and I smiled. She also weighed me in...and....I hesitated. She was my friend...my buddy.....and ....that bothered me. YET....I went ahead.

She smiled and said I lost.....point four.

and that....depressed me.

I know...I know..it is a loss........


and to listen to others speak of their anger......I realized ....that wasn't me. I am not angry...that was not my dilemma......my area to work on.......was.....feeling defeated......feeling like a failure. ....so close...and yet ...so far away to where I wish to quit.

and I realized that my mind was tired...I am tired......and.....then I did the unthinkable...

I pretended that I was NOT me.....and a friend came to me with how I was feeling.

You know what I would tell them?

I would tell them they are too hard on themselves......and remind them of ALL the things they have accomplished....what they have changed.....whether it was now drinking skim milk...eating breakfast...taking walks....whole wheat pasta.......going to the meetings...no matter how much it was a struggle to do so. It takes a lot of courage to go to those meetings at times. Says more about a person who does go then who does not because they cannot DEAL with it this week...and next week will be better for sure!

Sadly, next week doesn't always come.....BUT YOU DID!

It isn't always about comparing yourself to others as it is more of ....MEASURING your own self worth to yourself.

What to do?

Even though it is easier said than done....go back to the basics. ALmost like a fresh start, but with more knowledge. YET....Knowledge can be a dangerous thing......

Perhaps the word Knowledge is not correct..........a better word.....would be MEMORY. Knowledge is a good thing...but MEMORY of what you did or did not do .....can haunt you ....so much you stumble.

Perhaps.......acceptance and forgiveness of this memory is in order.



Tonight I asked my husband why he doesn't go for walks with me anymore. His response was one I did not expect......he told me that I out walk him. There was a time when he would have to wait for me to catch up for I have always been a slow walker. YET...every day, I walk now and my stamina has improved. It didn't happen overnight...but it did happen.

SO...as I sit here staring at my blog......lost in thought......

I realized....defeat is just a word and can have different meanings. It is what you do with it that matters.

I may feel defeated .....at times.....discouraged.........
but......

I have never quit....even though I have wanted too...but I haven't. Deep inside me.....I know.....I am in there......and wistfully I smile.......as....I know...I shall be there next Tuesday........and I shall see my coffee buddy...and get weighed in...and sit in the second row of the meeting.

That agony......will be history as I hold my head high.....as I get closer to the ultimate goal of lifetime.....and drink my coffee.....learning........and ...practicing as I am doing. It is easier said than done to let go of those feelings...but....like with my walking....I can only get stronger and ......like my walking....it will hit me when I least expect it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SHARONSPARKLE
    Your blog is a big reflection of how many of us feel. What I love about you is that you realize your feelings and are dealing with them. If we want something bad enough, it's worth working for. You are a wonderful lady who deserves success. You keep plugging away and you'll get there!
    2665 days ago
  • SEA-GYPSY
    Wonderful blog! I think we all get in these "funks" from time to time. They are so random, and come from nowhere, and have the power to derail us IF we let them. We have to persevere! Climb outta the hole we create for ourselves, to once again stand strong and confident. I have no doubt that you will shake off this "funk" and keep on keeping on. ~hugs~
    2667 days ago
  • SHANTODD420
    Keep going Mary you can do it just keep pushing. I can definitely relate to the blog.
    2668 days ago
  • PEGGYO
    keep on keeping on!
    2668 days ago
  • CHALLENGER15
    Reflection is always a good thing, and this blog will help you and those that read it.

    Thank you!
    2668 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14253479
    Ahhh the healing has started! Keep looking at this BUT continue your program. This too shall pass. emoticon
    2669 days ago
  • LRSILVER
    Wonderful nsv. It is hard to change. Keep it up.
    2669 days ago
  • KENTUCKYWOMAN
    Not long ago I was exactly where you are, but like you I never gave up. I wanted to, or thought I wanted to, but I never did. Like some of the people you mentioned, I was angry as well and I think mine was because I had allowed myself to fall back into my old ways. This journey is never easy, but we both know its doable. When I finally removed my head from my butt 13 weeks ago, I gave up sugar, even fruit for awhile. I love sweets, candy, cookies, ice cream and I love it a lot, but I had to give it up. Last week made 13 weeks in a row that I have had a loss when I've gone and weighed in at my meeting, this has become a challenge in itself of ''is this the week I break my streak?" Important thing here is no matter for the past year that I went to my meetings and I kept seeing the scale go up and up, I never stopped going, may not have followed the plan or any plan, but I never stopped going and like you I never gave up. I cannot tell you what finally clicked with me, but I can tell you that as of yesterday I've been off the sweets for 87 days, have gone to the gym 6 days a week for the past six weeks, and I am seeing results. You can do this and you are so worth the hard work it takes.
    Big Hugs,
    Joan aka Kentucky Woman
    2669 days ago
  • YJNANA
    Isn't is amazing how we rationalize what we are doing. When we have to say out loud how we are doing, what new tricks we are doing. I felt I wanted to be a winner to reach Goal. We had a good WW leader. When my friend quit I did too. I had joined with her to give her support. I was greatly disappointed when she quit.
    When I really work it, and pay attention it does happen. I still may rejoin if Judy does.
    We'll get there, we have indeed come a long ways. We are so much more aware of what we are doing. Plus if we do slip up, we know to work it off
    My DH use to walk with me, but his hip slows him down.
    If I were to slow to his pace he would walk.

    Nice Blog Mary :)
    2669 days ago
  • TIMOTHYNOHE
    Let me tell you something about being a receptionist at WW. She doesn't know how much you weigh after the next person weighs in. She is not paying that close attention. I know. I used to do that job and I would forget as soon as I wrote it down.

    AS for the notion of changing. You have done well if you now outwalk the Old Man. That is great progress. If you lose 0.4 pounds a week, in 52 weeks you will lose over 20 pounds. Not bad at all.
    2669 days ago
  • KAT130
    I sometimes get depressed when I think of how far I ave to go. But like you, I remind myself to celebrate the loose clothes, the increased stamina, the new flexibility...and I know I will keep trying.

    It's nice to read that others feel the same way!
    2669 days ago
  • HOLDINGMYOWN
    WOW! You are not a chatter box like me my good friend BUT when you write a Blog?~~you outdo yourself! emoticon

    **It isn't always about comparing yourself to others as it is more of ....MEASURING your own self worth to yourself. ***
    This line really grabbed me!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2669 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/1/2013 10:55:08 PM
  • SUSANPEI
    Hang in there! Just showing up at WW or SparkPeople is such a positive thing to do. I think you have the right idea to try and take it easy on yourself. Funny that you should say that you pretended not to be you... On the episode of SparkPeople Radio that I listened to today, they recommended just that. They said to imagine what you would tell a good friend, and then tell yourself the same thing. Positive self-talk is a very powerful thing. (And a struggle for many of us.)

    That's a pretty great NSV that you can now outwalk your hubby! It goes to show that small steps eventually lead to big changes!
    2669 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/1/2013 10:27:16 PM
  • MABELL1WFTX
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2669 days ago
  • NICOLESJOURNEY
    Keep pushing, maybe YOU will get your hubby moving, and his goal will be keep up with you. *I* see you and I planning a walk together, 13.1 or a 26.2?!
    2669 days ago
  • HEARTOFCHRIST
    What an accomplishment you have achieved. Throughout your entire lifestyle change--each day you move forward and if you don't move or move back, you continue to push forward and never let it derail your plans. Way to go!
    2669 days ago
  • MALAMI518
    Oh, I can so relate to this right now. You will keep moving forward, and you will make it!

    emoticon emoticon
    2669 days ago
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