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Monday, September 30, 2013

I just returned from the attorney's office where I signed my divorce petition. I am overwhelmed with sadness. I did not seek this divorce. But at this point I need this divorce for my own well being and protection.

These last two weekends my husband has been here over the weekend and he and I and our two adult sons (24 and 26)have tackled the storage room in the basement -- all the artifacts of our 28 years of family life together. Sorting boxes of books for the library sale, donations for the local family service agency, all the family pictures, camping equipment, etc., etc.

I decided I cannot have another weekend like this for while. I need next weekend off and I'm in class the weekend after that. My older son leaves for the army at the end of this month and that will be an adjustment indeed -- as he had boomeranged back home for the last year.

I am grieving the loss of my marriage. But when I am honest, I feel like I am grieving what I now realize I never had. My husband would comply with any task I asked him to do -- and he is all about "duty and obligation" as he sees it. But this isn't love or partnership, or intimacy. This process was not really overt -- it was insidious and complicated. I loved him. I think I might still love him. He has been psychologically abusive, though, and he has always had to have the attention focused on him. Easily frustrated. Easily bored. In charge, and yet dependent. "His majesty, the baby." Not truthful or forthcoming. Always had to be his way and now I see he often lied and was deceitful. It took many years to realize that he never felt he was wrong or apologized for anything.

I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with him and fix it. I was misguided. I always felt like I had three children. Two of them grew up.

My food is better than when I joined SP but not where I want it. I'm up in calories and not planning well. I'm tracking, though, and I feel good about that. I started to walk the dogs this last week. I have no energy to do this tonight.

I have such a long way to go to take care of myself more consistently and better. Its also true that I have made much progress here.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hang in there. emoticon
    1685 days ago
  • 68ANNE
    I went through the same thing. Losing house and home and family and ever the town we lived in. Very long and complicated story too, like yours but I am so much happier and healthier and you will too. Thinking of you
    1693 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Will keep you in my prayers. Good that you are feeling the feelings and know how to protect yourself. Now you can focus on YOU!! Where is your son going to be stationed?
    1693 days ago
    You are doing wonderfully of processing everything and taking steps through your life with eyes fully open and so much more aware than ever before. Great to hear of your tracking, but don't be hard on yourself for any mis-steps you make take...in the scheme of things they are the "small stuff" over which one shouldn't sweat.

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

    1693 days ago
  • PGHP31CK
    Praying for you, as you walk through the days ahead. May you find comfort, strength and peace.

    You have made progress with your fitness and food, emoticon and you will continue to move forward!!

    1693 days ago
    Hang in there you have the rest of your life to live for you. One day at a time.
    1693 days ago
    Sending my love and hugs to you. Take some time and focus on you. Just you. Find things you enjoy or things that will help guide you to the right path. I'm always here if you need me. emoticon emoticon
    1693 days ago
    1694 days ago
    Divorce is a life changing event. I went through it years ago. At the time it seemed like the end of the world but the longer I was away from it the more I realized it was for the best. My ex and I grew apart. We had nothing much in common and never really did. We married too young. I later met my soul mate and we have been together 31 years and I've never been happier. emoticon
    1694 days ago
    You are seeing clearly. It may take a while for your emotions to catch up to that. What a difficult couple of weekends to have to endure! Lets hope there aren't many more of those!
    1694 days ago
    Good Luck! emoticon
    1694 days ago
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