FALLENXRUBY

SparkPoints
 

Tired of Making Excuses

Monday, September 30, 2013

I had a hell day of planning. It is way past my bed time. It took me FOURTEEN hours to plan for one week. It is insane the amount of hours I can put in, and still feel so behind.

I am thinking that there is some fear in getting to where I want to be weight-wise. I think in the past, I have perpetuated the cycle of failure because I really felt like a failure. Even with everything good I do, I tend to want to minimize it.

I mean...so much of my relationship with food is out of habit. But I think that there might be this subconscious desire to self-sabotage and be fat and unattractive. I don't really like feeling vulnerable and I think part of me feels like being thin would make me more attractive and therefore more vulnerable. I mean, another part of me so wants to be more attractively thin, but I am also a victim of sexual abuse, and just hate being looked at by hungry eyes in general.

Ah! I don't know, but I want to work through this so I can push past this number once and for all and really commit. I have a bunch of nut butters, cheese, and yogurt in the house right now and very little of the meat and veggies I WANT to be eating (if I'm sticking to a plan.)

I know that these foods tend to be trigger foods, but I just justify it and say if I only have one serving...but I already ate more nuts than planned today.

I need to go through these groceries SLOWLY and start anew next week. I need to stop bingeing when I get home and eat a serving, and then come back after twenty minutes if I'm still hungry.

I did resist donuts yesterday, my sister's cake today, brownies, and so on and so on.

If there is one excuse, there's a million. I'm tired of making excuses.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LADYFROMTHEWOOD
    Oh my, the realization that you want to hide from "hungry eyes" is a biggie. I send all my supportive vibes to you to be able to see past that experience to the reality that you deserve to feel safe AND healthy at all times.
    (((hugs)))
    I, too, have to just not bring home such tempting foods. Nutter Butters are my favs! Can you just put 3 in a baggie and put all the baggies in the freezer where you won't see them? Then you can pull them out and have 3 when you range allows. The time they take to unthaw will allow you thinking time. It is a skill you can hone.
    Have a super-great week! You are still here, still doing this! Sometimes the best progress is this unseen work you are doing. I believe in you!
    ~Teresa
    1843 days ago
  • PATSYB7
    Resisting temptations takes up so much energy. I have finally admitted I can't keep them in the house. This frees me up for so much more positive things. Keep striving and Sparking. You're headed in the right direction!
    emoticon emoticon
    1843 days ago
  • ZRIE014
    have a great week
    1843 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
 

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