Tired of Making Excuses
Monday, September 30, 2013
I had a hell day of planning. It is way past my bed time. It took me FOURTEEN hours to plan for one week. It is insane the amount of hours I can put in, and still feel so behind.
I am thinking that there is some fear in getting to where I want to be weight-wise. I think in the past, I have perpetuated the cycle of failure because I really felt like a failure. Even with everything good I do, I tend to want to minimize it.
I mean...so much of my relationship with food is out of habit. But I think that there might be this subconscious desire to self-sabotage and be fat and unattractive. I don't really like feeling vulnerable and I think part of me feels like being thin would make me more attractive and therefore more vulnerable. I mean, another part of me so wants to be more attractively thin, but I am also a victim of sexual abuse, and just hate being looked at by hungry eyes in general.
Ah! I don't know, but I want to work through this so I can push past this number once and for all and really commit. I have a bunch of nut butters, cheese, and yogurt in the house right now and very little of the meat and veggies I WANT to be eating (if I'm sticking to a plan.)
I know that these foods tend to be trigger foods, but I just justify it and say if I only have one serving...but I already ate more nuts than planned today.
I need to go through these groceries SLOWLY and start anew next week. I need to stop bingeing when I get home and eat a serving, and then come back after twenty minutes if I'm still hungry.
I did resist donuts yesterday, my sister's cake today, brownies, and so on and so on.
If there is one excuse, there's a million. I'm tired of making excuses.