Yesterday was and is one of those days i'd like to forget. Do you ever have that day where it seems like the entire universe is working against you? Where every time you take a step, you just know something went wrong. It's like a run away car going down a hill...regardless of how much you want and try to stop it, it won't stop until it has reached bottom. That was my day yesterday.
Yesterday I wish my life were a movie. It would be Ground Hogs Day. Why? So that i could do it over, and over until i got it right. I guess that wouldn't be humanly possible, but you get the picture. I would have said kinder words. I would have given out more hugs. I would have given a sympathetic arm squeeze to that person that just needed a human touch. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own downward spiral I forget that there are hundreds of spirals going on all around me.
Yesterday i felt as though i failed. What happens when I feel like a failure? I cry. And i cried. And i cried. Sometimes a REALLY good cry allows me take a few seconds and think about things with a clearer head.
I often feel like a failure, and I know it has a tremendous amount to do with my insecurities...remember, i'm working on that going forward. But i finally just sat there, you know after my face was numb from crying, and I said, yes I do speak out loud to myself sometimes, to myself that I have WAY too many victories to EVER be a failure.
I'm at a place in my life and I have done things in the last year i NEVER dreamed of doing.
Look...i'll take you through a picture show of my life...
Those two pictures above are of a woman that was so lonely she hated life. She hated how her life turned out that she did nothing but turn to food. There's not even a smile on her face. She couldn't see but two feet in front of her and what she saw was nothing but hopelessness. She didn't think she had a future.
The funny thing is, none of her friends would ever know that about her. For her friends she was always smiling. Always cheerful. Always supportive. She just didn't know how to be that for herself.
I was at Disney or Universal Studio's in the above picture. I'm a HUGE child at heart and loved going there whenever I got the chance. BUT my trips were always full of anxiety. Why? I so badly wanted to do the rides, but I knew i couldn't fit into most of the seats. Maybe i could have...I never even tried. I did not want the humiliation. I battled my own inner demons every day. I was my own worst enemy. I don't think three was a day that went by that my inner voice told me how awful of a person I was. Was it true? NO. But i didn't know it then.
Back around Thanksgiving of 2011 I decided i had enough.
You see, i'm that woman that cheers for everyone else. I love seeing people succeed and make proud moments for themselves. I can remember cheering on friends running half marathons and secretly crying because i wanted to know what it felt like to go across that threshold and feel proud about what was accomplished. Thanksgiving 2011 I secretly made a promise to myself that I WOULD make that moment happen for me.
But someone my size CANNOT just start off with a half marathon. So i took the steps needed to get there...
In 2012 I completed over 15 5ks...just because i could. And I found myself smiling more in secret. I was proud of my small accomplishments. I even made them more fun by dressing up. I mean, what good is a race without a little costume...
It's funny how doing something as simple as a 5k could spark so many new adventures. I was craving more. I started hiking. Who knew there was so much beautiful land to see?!
In 2013 I decided I was ready to step it up. I was ready to make some wishes come true. It was time to prove to myself that I could do it.
In February I completed my first competitive 10k. It felt so good to accomplish that task!
But i was after more. I now had this growing hunger of wanting more...doing more...being more...
It was finally time for my first half marathon in March of 2013...
Why stop there? My second half marathon was completed in May 2013...
I love these pictures. They are some of my favorite. Yes, even those first two pictures. Why?
They take me through a journey, a snap shot of my life. I was so miserable in my own skin I never allowed myself to have any fun. But do you see what i see? Look at how my smile has changed over the past year and a half!
There's something about finding your own strength through this journey that empowers you.
So am i a failure?
No...no i'm not.
I've gained my life back.
I'm doing more now then i ever thought i could do.
I'm an athlete in my own way. You don't have to be 125lbs and run everyday to be an athlete. You just need to pick up and go. It's a mind set. It's a way of being.
So while I allowed the day to get the best of me yesterday, I have my entire life to live and i plan to continue to live it to the fullest.
Just to see the difference a little time can make, here's a recent photo of me.
Again...how could i ever be a failure when i've accomplished all of this? Sometimes just winning the battles over that wicked little voice from within is all the power you need.
Can a picture really say a 1000 words? I think mine just did...at least to me they spoke volumes.