I was reminded by a friend that sometimes we look for the next great accomplishment vs. monitoring and taking care of the day to day stuff. We look at the next BIG one! The next race, the next personal record, the next...the next...the next. What about today? What about making sure that today i do what i need to do to get to tomorrow?
So it was self-evaluation time - this is something that MUST be done every so often. It's a reality check really.
My FAVORITE movie of all time is Rocky. I watched it as a kid, i own it, if i see it on TV i must watch it...this movie, for me, is all about the fight within us...within me.
What's driving me?
What's keeping me going?
What am i doing today for a better tomorrow?
Forgot those famous lyrics...well, here's a bit to jog your memory...
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
Back from November 2011 to August 2012 I lost roughly 60lbs. I started at just over 320lbs and was down to about 265lbs by August 8th of 2012. Since August of 2012 I've kept off that weight - give or take 3lbs - BUT i did not lose anymore weight. I still kept up with my fitness...but just enough to maintain my weight because my nutrition slacked. It was just down right terrible.
Like i said earlier, i was reminded that I needed to focus on today. I've been so caught up in my first and second half marathons from November 2012 to May 2013 that was my complete focus. Then from the end of May until now i've been focused on walking the 60 miles for the Dallas/Ft. Worth Susan G. Komen 3 Day. BUT...where's my focus on my daily life?
My daily focus was out of focus.
So four weeks ago i decided to re-evaluate my life.
Why am i doing this?
What's keeping me going?
Why haven't i stopped yet?
I had to answer those questions before i could really move on.
So many times it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive
I traded my passion for glory. There are so many things i still want out of life. BUT there are things that i need to take the reigns in and control. Too many times I allow to be led by others.
Sure, i'll do that.
Yeah, i can change my plans.
You need me to do what? When? Why not...
And i focused on the 10ks, the half marathons, the 60 mile walk, friends weddings...
Where did my life go?
I became surrounded by events and allowed the days to fall to the side...forgotten and ignored.
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger
So i had to take inventory of what i really wanted. There are so many things that i feel cheated out of in life. But it's not as though i can't still have everything i've ever wanted...right?
I want a healthy life. A life in which i'm not fearful due to my weight and size. I want to run and be light on my feet, breathing effortlessly, and keeping pace to enjoy it all and not wonder when this will all be over.
I want to be loved...but really, can someone really love me if i'm guarded. I know i guard myself. I've been hurt one too many times not to be. I'd be a fool otherwise. But the real truth is that i'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt again by someone. So it's been easier to just shut it all out. I need to work on this one.
I need to build my self confidence. Like so many over weight people, we place our value on our weight. I'm not good enough because i'm this size. I'm unlovable because of my weight. I'm unwanted, uncared for, under valued because i'm the fat girl. In some cases this may be true...but if i'm really honest, most of the time it's just me. It's that sickening voice i hear inside my head that continually pulls me down. It's me. It's always been just me.
That voice has grown quieter over the last few years, but sometimes i allow her to rear her ugly head. I'm learning to fight her. I know i'm stronger than she is...she just knows my weaknesses...she knows where it hurts.
Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive
So i refocused.
I really thought about what i wanted in life.
I told myself to take chances.
I told myself that it's time to take off the armour i've been wearing and allow life to happen. You never know what may come out of it. Not everything will be good. And i will still have those times where I just cry myself to sleep at night. But if i don't allow anything to happen, how will I ever get what i really want? I have to be willing to be open to the possibilities.
I needed to regroup my thoughts and focus on my nutrition and fitness as a working relationship. I can't do one without the other. They go hand in hand. Like the perfect union.
So that's what i did...
Four weeks ago i "recalculated" and set about doing things differently.
As far as my weightloss goes i'm down almost 11lbs.
My armour is slowly coming off...even if i hate doing it.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow. But for now, i'm living my life for today. And i'm enjoying it.