Sounds like a silly question. Of course I want to be healthy. Of course I want to be smaller and never have to shop in the plus sizes ever again. Yet, whenever I start heading in the right direction to reach my goal I sabotage myself and regain everything I lost.
This is a topic that I found myself in recently with a great spark friend. She may be almost half my age, but she is wise beyond her years.
This really got me thinking of why I give up and start over so many times. I grew up in a crappy home. It may be more or less crappy than anyone else's upbringing. How it was crappy doesn't really matter. Home was not my sanctuary and since I could only be away from home for church or school activities I joined everything I could so I wouldn't have to be home. So why didn't I just run away. Sounds simple. Not really. I was more afraid to leave than to stay. If home, which was supposed to be safe was this crappy, then the rest of the world must be worse. The year I turned 13, I gained 65 pounds. When you are only 4'10" tall an extra 65 pounds makes you look like a round ball. (I didn't know it at the time, but being fat was to become my shield to keep people away from me.) I finally left when I was 19. When I lost my job I was terrified that I was going to have to move home. At the time I was in Northern California and my older sister got me a job living with an elderly women in Iowa. She just needed someone to cook and clean and keep her company. I left with 5$ in my pocket, my stuff packed up and left with my grandparents for them to ship to me later, owing my sister for the bus ticket.
This was the best decision I every made. The woman who I took care of was in her 80's and the rest of her family lived close by. This family taught me what it was like to be a real family. I stayed with them for a year and a half, healing and vowing to myself I would accept nothing less than this. While there I began to lose weight for the first time in forever.
A few years later I met my husband when I was at my smallest, a size 8. I did not own a scale for many years so I did not know what I weighed only what size I was. Four years later we married when I was at my heaviest, a size 22. I lost a little, down to a size 20, and there I stayed for almost 20 years. He loved me for me and didn't care what size I was. He said if I wasn't happy with my size then change it, because he loved me no matter what.
In March of 2012 I had some health issues and began to lose weight. I lost 40 pounds in 8 months and was half way to reaching my goal. Then I decided to side track myself and quit smoking. For 6 months I was within 3 pounds of where I was before I quit smoking. Then over the summer it seems like I just gave up and gained 12 pounds for a total gain of 15 pounds.
So now I have to ask myself why, I was heading in the right direction so why give up. Digging deep I realized that my fat has always been my shield from the rest of the world. When you are heavy most people stay away not taking the time to get to know you. As I began to lose the weight I had to deal with people treating me different. Some did not like that I was no longer heavier than them and just got down right mean to me. That is on them and I just need to let it go. I don't need fair weather friends. Others now talk to me that didn't before, and I am scared that they are not my friend because they really like me it's just how I look. Maybe I am just being paranoid and the only reason people are treating me different is because I feel different about myself.
Anyways enough rambling, back to my original question. Why am I so afraid to reach my goal weight. I know it sounds crazy, but the fear of reliving my crappy childhood has kept me from sticking with it long enough to get to my goal of being a healthy normal size for more than just a short amount of time. My husband and I have talked about this on our walks and he keeps reassuring me this is not going to happen, but a part of me is still scared. It is time to tear down the wall I have put up to keep the rest of the world out and love myself enough to stop sabotaging myself. I no longer need fat to shield me from the rest of the world.
TIME TO BE STRONG AND DO THIS, BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN.