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So what happened

Sunday, September 22, 2013

I've been gathering my thoughts, trying to figure out how to say this. Trying to decide if I should at all.

But I've always been open in my life, and at church last week, my preacher said something that resonated with me.

"Sin grows in darkness."

Hiding what's going on doesn't make the problem easier. So I've been reaching out to friends, family, and loved ones, just getting the support I need. My husband would probably prefer that I was less open with it, but well, that's something he should have thought about before he made the choices he has.

Monday night, my husband chose to call my bluff on my ultimatum. One of the caveats I laid down was that if I caught him lying, hiding, or stealing again, he would have to leave.

So he hid something, and I caught him doing so.

Because I'd made a choice months ago to not tolerate this kind of behavior anymore, I had to follow through. The next day, I asked him to leave. He knew it was coming, and he didn't argue. He packed a bag, and left.

This isn't a divorce. It's not "the end" -- he just has to get help, help I'm not prepared nor equipped to give. And I have to protect my children from his behavior, and if that means that he needs to stay somewhere else to do that, so be it.

I still love him. I'm still helping when I can (getting his meds, keeping minutes on his phone) but otherwise, he's on his own. He's staying with his dad right now, about 3 hours away.

And I have to learn to be a single mom, at least for a while. Probably looking at 6-9 months, depending on how long it takes the inpatient program to call us.

After that? Time will tell. I'm not worried about that day. Right now, I'm worried about today. And maybe tomorrow.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GEORGE815
    You show courage.
    2037 days ago
    Thinking of you during this difficult transition....

    Right now, just accept that you are making the best decisions you can under the circumstances. You didn't bring those circumstances into being; but you do indeed have to live sanely within them. Your priorities are right on--your children, your integrity, and getting him all the help you can. Find peace within that acceptance.

    Many of us have traveled this road...some of us not as successfully as you are doing it...but those are different stories for different times. You are definitely not alone.

    PS Once before you found it necessary to ask Spark folks for some help...don't be hesitant to do so again....
    2038 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2039 days ago

    2039 days ago
    this must be tough for you right now.... focus on yourself and take care of you.
    2039 days ago
    You have strength. It might not feel like it sometimes, but you do. You have the strength to follow through with the rules and consequences you laid out. You didn't cave or let it slide, because your strength helped you realize that only in sticking to rules and consequences will either of you truly learn and change. He needs to change his bad habits and you ARE changing your willingness to tolerate his bad habits.

    You also have strength to face an unknown future. No one ever really knows what the future has in store for them, but you're about to head into unknown territory of being essentially a single mother, separated (physically and mentally, not legally) from your husband. That's a scary prospect, but I hope you realize that while it is hard and you will struggle, you can do it because you won't actually be doing it alone. Your kids are in this with you. Your family and friends are in this with you. Your sparkfriends may be at a distance but we're here to support you too. It's not you taking care of everything on your own, it's you being the leader of a group of people who will each be able to do something to help you - all you need to do is ask.

    Take it one day at a time for now, or even one hour at a time. What can you do to make it through today as best as you can? Who can you ask to help you make it through today? What can you ask others to do to help you through today? Tomorrow will bring it's own challenges as well as it's own blessings. These challenges won't last forever, for one day you'll wake up and realize that you're making it through and each day is a little easier than yesterday.
    emoticon emoticon
    2040 days ago
    I wish I could think of something to say that would help, but i don't think there is anything. You did the right thing, but you know that already. Knowing it's the right thing doesn't stop it from hurting. (But it WAS the right thing. Don't let yourself doubt that.)
    2040 days ago
    This has been a difficult time for you. You can lean on your virtual friends whenever you need. emoticon
    2040 days ago
    You are a strong, brave, mom. I applaud you and support you. I hope the support and strength you find here are just the tip of the iceberg. I hope your friends and family will stand behind you...and him when he is ready to receive it.
    Wishing you the best!!
    2040 days ago
  • _MOBII_
    Good for you for sticking to your guns, I have been in a similar position and know how much it can hurt. We already knew you were strong so I am wishing you continued strength and sending prayers that he finds the help he needs very soon.

    2040 days ago
    tough love requires tough decisions....hoping you remain strong in your convictions.... emoticon
    2040 days ago
    You have done a really difficult thing by sticking to your decision and putting yourself and your children first. I agree with what others have said here - take it one day at a time, and keep your ultimate goals in mind. I'm glad you decided to reach out and post this. You're in my prayers.
    2040 days ago
    Having been on the other side I wondered how people left when I was sick. I read a book that answered that question. It is all about limiting the suffering. You need to do what is best for you and your kids. Your husband will be suffering no matter what. You can't stop that. All the money and doctors in the world can't stop it.

    Anyone who gets better is from a miracle. And you need to talk about it.
    2040 days ago
    Sometimes we have to make the hard decisions...and I agree with slimshann, try not to worry about tomorrow and just do what you can today...I hope you have other support to help you...but if not...I know alot of people on here can lend some! Including me!! Feel free to SP mail me anytime!
    2040 days ago
    tomorrow is tomorrow. worry about it tomorrow. You can do today. You are a strong person, you made as strong stand and are backing it up with follow through. Your children need to see that.
    As women we need to talk. Keep talking, keep sharing.
    Be strong, life is not easy but it sure is worth living especially when you get to the other side of hard. It is there, you just can't see it right now.
    2040 days ago
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