JENNIEONFIRE
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Winter is coming..

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Many people have asked me about the reference to "Winter is coming" which stands true because it definitely is changing seasons. I have been completely self absorbed with Game of Thrones lately which beats my own actual reality.

I have a secret, here is my problem...I am obsessed with the concept of being beautiful. Who cares about being healthy or happy or losing weight to be fit. I want to lose weight to be beautiful. I think this stems from me wanting and needing attention and I feel like if I was smaller and more beautiful people would want me...Which is SOOOOO messed up.

My family doesn't want or need me which is so hard to admit to myself but its the truth. I have had to endure living with people that see through me or make it their best effort to put me down, especially with the use of food. They make me have food problems due to the fact that they never allow me to eat dinner with them or any sort of meal so I have to like hide and eat. This is 2013 right? I just don't understand how people (I am mostly speaking towards my step mother) can claim they are such religious followers (not my thing) and preach love to everyone but act this way towards someone that does a lot for you in the house. I am known as the puppy babysitter apparently that's all I am good for. I am working on a career, in grad school and never really get to enjoy myself but apparently im not worthy of any form of family functions because her children are golden.

I know none of you will really understand this but after writing what I just did I feel a lot better. I know this is the stem of my problem. I keep falling off the horse, start again and then the horse boots me off again. I need to work on my idea of beauty and moving the eff out of the house and I think that will help me stay focused and ready to make the changes I need. I cant keep sneaking candy or food all because she is rude like that.

I want to start living for me...I need some spark encouragement :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JENNIEONFIRE
    Thank you Min!! Ya that is my main focus but unfortunately New York is super expensive to live in so my friend and I are going to get a place right after the new year. I want that time to hurry
    1759 days ago
  • MINEA999
    I don't know your whole background, but I can certainly attest to how helpful it is to just write thoughts down sometimes. I find it's like clearing cobwebs from my head, if I write it down it clears things up and makes room for new thoughts.

    From what I do know though, moving out should be a prime focus! So you can create a space where you feel welcome and comfortable and happy.

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    1759 days ago
  • JENNIEONFIRE
    Love you Stacy.
    1759 days ago
  • FIGHTING4IT
    I think saying these things out loud is so powerful. It kind of helps take away their power. I would bet that the reason your are obsessed with beauty is because you think that would make your family treat you differently. I bet most of us are more concerned with out outer appearance and being beautiful. I'll admit that I definitely am. The only problem with focusing on that as our goal is that we will probably never be satisfied. Remember that I want and need you! It's time to make your supporters proud and your haters jealous!

    emoticon
    1759 days ago
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