Winter is coming..
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Many people have asked me about the reference to "Winter is coming" which stands true because it definitely is changing seasons. I have been completely self absorbed with Game of Thrones lately which beats my own actual reality.
I have a secret, here is my problem...I am obsessed with the concept of being beautiful. Who cares about being healthy or happy or losing weight to be fit. I want to lose weight to be beautiful. I think this stems from me wanting and needing attention and I feel like if I was smaller and more beautiful people would want me...Which is SOOOOO messed up.
My family doesn't want or need me which is so hard to admit to myself but its the truth. I have had to endure living with people that see through me or make it their best effort to put me down, especially with the use of food. They make me have food problems due to the fact that they never allow me to eat dinner with them or any sort of meal so I have to like hide and eat. This is 2013 right? I just don't understand how people (I am mostly speaking towards my step mother) can claim they are such religious followers (not my thing) and preach love to everyone but act this way towards someone that does a lot for you in the house. I am known as the puppy babysitter apparently that's all I am good for. I am working on a career, in grad school and never really get to enjoy myself but apparently im not worthy of any form of family functions because her children are golden.
I know none of you will really understand this but after writing what I just did I feel a lot better. I know this is the stem of my problem. I keep falling off the horse, start again and then the horse boots me off again. I need to work on my idea of beauty and moving the eff out of the house and I think that will help me stay focused and ready to make the changes I need. I cant keep sneaking candy or food all because she is rude like that.
I want to start living for me...I need some spark encouragement :)