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I'm back...again...

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The last time I wrote here, I was on my way to California to see my family. That was in July. I made that trip and it wasn't too bad. The airplane seats weren't as uncomfortable as I expected and I managed to fit (barely) without a seat belt extender. But, I also completely fell off track and, after coming home, never managed to get back on.

Not only that, but since then I've gained almost 15 lbs. I decided it was time to stop avoiding SparkPeople when I got on my scale to find that I had reached 300 lbs. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried. A lot. I've never been heavier than about 285 lbs in my life. Now, I'm at an all time high, my clothes don't fit, and I feel terrible all the time.

And, finding that I'd gained so much made me really depressed, an issue I already struggle with on a daily basis. My reaction to it, before deciding to come back here and try again, was to eat myself into a food coma and watch TV all day. Since I'm not working right now, except on my novel which could be going better this week, it's pretty easy to get lost in doing nothing all day long.

But then I started going out and walking with my best friend. She saw I wasn't feeling well and asked if I'd like to start walking again. I agreed, so we're walking 4 days a week (on the route I've mapped)--though we've not managed to actually get in more than 3 days a week so far. We're working on it. But the exercise is making me feel better, more alive, more capable and less driven to do nothing. It's helping me battle the depression for which I don't take meds because they make me feel disconnected (and interfere with other parts of my life).

Today, I think I'm going to start trying to get my eating under control. I actually had breakfast and kept it to one serving of high fiber oatmeal. I feel pretty good about that. I'm also going to try to cut out the alcohol, though yesterday I had a pomegranate margarita and a coffee with Bailey's and sugar. It won't be perfect, I still need to stock my kitchen with something other than processed carbs, but I'm going to give it another shot. I can't keep gaining weight. I feel bad enough.

I think, by way of motivation, I'll take a picture of myself now, at my heaviest and add it to my album sometime soon. That way, when I'm thinner, I'll be able to see how far I've come.

Wish me luck.
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