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Curse you, X-chromosomes!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Here's an update for you, Sparkpeeps. That growing shadow on my psyche? It's estrogen related. How do I know this?

I WEIGHED MYSELF. Because, you know, good sense dictates that when you're sitting on your couch bawling your eyes out for no reason you should go and stand on a bathroom scale, because THAT will make you feel better. You know, because that right there is the very definition of sanity. ***our heroine rolls her eyes***

The past seven days, I have eaten on the low end of my calorie range, I'm keeping up with my exercise, drinking enough water (still could use more freggies, but there we are), and so you would THINK that would at least result in, if not a net loss, then at least no gain. Right? You would think.

Go on. Guess how much weight I gained from my last weigh in. Go on. I dare you.


Before launching into an f-word laced tirade and smashing my bathroom scale into the floor with a fifty pound deadblow hammer I have for knocking dents out of baritone saxophones, I paused and took a deep breath. "What day is this?" I asked my cats, who had lined up to stare in apprehension at their mother's apparent descent into madness. I checked my calendar, and then counted back.

Yep. If you all will pardon the expression, I am laying an egg. Yay. Because, you know, the largest cell in the human body is also the heaviest, weighing in at anywhere from four to ten pounds. AM I RIGHT, LADIES????

On the bright side, at least I know that the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and water retention will subside by Wednesday next, but it's not going to stop me from filing a complaint with the Head Engineer. NOT FUNNY. NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

Can't wait until menopause. I hear tell that is some REAL fun...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm right there with the cats. What were you thinking?!?

    That being said...

    You're right. I experience wild swings up and down in the course of a DAY, much less a week. I don't get freaked out until I've had 2 weeks of consecutive, significant UP. And even when THAT happens, I've learned to just look at what's going on (Time of the month? Buckets of salt? Eating my way through all the Ben & Jerry's offerings?) and figure out what I need to adjust in how I'm approaching life. Hang in there. Those 4 pounds will disappear and you'll wonder where they went.
    1679 days ago
    The joys of menopause are only surpassed by one having a hysterectomy, followed by having your first hot flash in your hospital bed, followed by a doctor explaining that you will no longer have cycles (i.e, not be able to blame your weight gain on said cycles.)

    Cue West Side Story song, "I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty....."

    1679 days ago
    great way to put it
    1679 days ago
    I loved your description of the female "condition", it can be a real bugger. At least we can't complain and say that life is boring! You go, girl!
    1679 days ago
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