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I have had enough

Monday, May 07, 2007

So i was always the skinny kid. I gained a few pounds after college and a few more my first year of law school. I was at my heaviest weight. Then I discovered spark people in July after y first year of law school. By december I was at goal. iu January my clothes didn't fit. But at the same time, I was sick and needed medication. The first meds made me nauseous and out of it, so i let myself eat whatever I wanted, sicne that was the only way i was going ot get food in me. Then I found a medicine that didn't make me ill. It just shit down my body's food cues. In a few weeks I gained everything back. I realized what I had done, but coouldn't figure out how to stop it. I gained more. And more.

Finals are finally over and I decided today is day one. today is the day i take back my body. But i had a snack seconds after breakfast--why? I wasn't even hungry? And put on underwear the fit 2 months ago and today barely covers my rear. I then tried to put on a pencil skirt with a flowy top to hide my now-large stomach. I looked at the mirror and for the first time in my life, a fat girl stared back at me. It was my mom. It was my sister. It was the girl I NEVER wanted to be. So i put on pants. I could barely close them. And it's day one, I'm running 3.5 hours behind on my schedule today, and I already feel so discouraged. my stomach hangs over my pants and i can feel my arm fat brush up against my torso fat as i type. i'm going home tonight for the first time in a month and I'm scared that my family and friends will see this fat girl where they used to see Laura. And I was going to skip tracking my food to see if I could guesstimate things on their own, because it really is a lot of work to track food. Now I don't think I'm able to do this on my own. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted ot be the fat girl. To be the one who has to count every morsel and every bite. My mom has been yo-yo dieting since I was five, warning me about my weight since I was 12. I don't want to be the thing she warned me about. But here I am, binging all lweekend to start my diet on Monday, refusing to buy new "fat clothes," overweight and miserable. How did I let this happen? And how can I make it go away NOW?!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    i seriously feel as if you are describing my life! i was always the smallest out of my friends in high school yet my mother always warned me of getting fat and eating too much. College proved that her constant nagging was keeping me thin and i gained a lot of weight. cycles of fasting/binging/purging yoyoed my weight now i'm back up to my heaviest... i refuse to buy clothing until i'm at a weight i like! i'm here if you feel like chatting whenever!
    3990 days ago
    I definitely feel your pain. Recently I've just been bingeing all the time, and today I looked in the mirror and noticed a double chin for the first time.... I need to change my habits, and I need to start madly working out again like I did when I was maintaining my weight back in the fall. I'm seeing my boyfriend again on Saturday for the first time in 3 weeks and I'm so afraid that he's going to notice my weight gain! AAAHHHH!!! Anyway, welcome back. Let's do this together!
    3996 days ago
    I know how you feel. I can't believe that I weigh as much as I do, but that's the reality of things. I'm sure that you would have preferred not to have been sick, not to need the meds, not to break a good streak you were on-but that's not what life had in store for you. So, start over. I mean it, don't even think back to where you once were. Just start over. Today is day one. Set your settings back to Fast Break and start over. Maybe even undo all your logs and pretend you never did any of this before. And buy some clothing that fits. There is nothing more depressing than feeling like you can't breathe 'cause you are squeezed into clothing that's choking you. I know, every other morning I still try on my "normal" clothing to see if maybe it finally fits. But the potential headlines in the National Enquirer "Woman Strangled by her own skirt" gets me to jump back into my clothing that fits! Good Luck! We're here if you need us.
    4006 days ago
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