My Husband is from Mars. I am from Venus.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
I began my quest to figure out what could be the root cause of my husband's and my relationship problems/failures, and came to the conclusion that everything was based on communication failure. After gleaning a few insights after some serious soul-searching and journalling I decided it was time to start reading to learn more. But I'm not an avid reader, and don't hang out with readers. I only ever read for information if I have to -- never for pleasure or even self growth. So I didn't know where to start.
I had heard only of one book title often enough to stick in my head, and figured that might be as good a place to start as any: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
I am now halfway through the book. And it is a 100% true mirror reflection of what our marriage was like. Each and every paragraph, so far -- except maybe one -- shines light on the issues that have plagued us. Each one. It's like the book was written about us. All the interpretations of things that get said -- everything fits into place perfectly.
My husband is adament that he does not wish to seek counselling to try to save our marriage. He doesn't want it anymore. I so long for him to put in one last effort. Just if he would read this book, maybe he'd understand enough of how we went wrong to either want to give it one last chance, or, if for no other reason than to help him have a healthier relationship with the next woman.
Of course, there is a facet to this problem that this book and counselling couldn't solve, even if he were to accept it: He wants a woman of Indian descent now. Someone who speaks the language of the country he was born in and lived in until he was 7. He wants someone to understand the culture completely and that can laugh at all the jokes. I cannot compete with that. I am caucasian. I have taken 5 courses attempting to learn Punjabi and Hindi. I understand about 30% of what is being said, and I cannot speak the language.
Mid life crisis. There's no other way to put this.
19 years of marriage plus 7 of dating = 26 years down the tubes.
He really is from Mars. I must be from Venus.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
I'm so sorry to read what you're going through. I can relate to a lot that you wrote. Maybe it would be better for you to get out now while you're still young rather than wait until you're old like me. Sadly, I am writing from experience.
1713 days ago
I am so very sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. While no marriage is perfect it sounds to me as if he is being very selfish. Yes he may not be happy and may want to end the marriage but to be actively looking for someone new before he even broke the news to you that he wanted to end your union is unthinkable. You are a strong woman and will get through this and come out even stronger.
I've sent you a private message with my contact info if you ever want to contact me to talk outside of Sparkpeople.
Hugs to you! You will get through this.
1739 days ago
I know you must feel that you have wasted 26 years of your life but, as long as you have learned something from this relationship about yourself & others, the time was not wasted. I have learned that personal growth often comes from pain & crisis. I have experienced numerous relationship heartaches but I have come to the realization that these were all necessary to pave the way for a better tomorrow. Lessons learned! I hope you will be able to accept his decision and move on to a better life for you & your children. HUGS!
PS Keep reading those self help books... they made a world of difference in my understanding of human behavior.
1740 days ago
Comment edited on: 9/17/2013 4:39:04 PM
You are a strong woman! Your husband is obviously putting himself first before you or your children...it is now your job to take care of yourself and them and don't worry about him anymore. Your life is beginning anew and you have the freedom to do whatever you want without having to try to please anyone, but God...what an incredible gift!! I know you don't think of it that way, but I am living in a loveless marriage, at least on the part of my husband. I had tried everything I could think of, read 100's of books, talked to councilors and nothing helped. My husband has no interest in me, our two daughters or any part of our lives. BUT, he claims nothing is wrong and that I am the one with the problem. He gets up after we leave for school/work, goes to work himself, comes home after and goes strait into his office to play on his computer. If we try to go in to talk to him he gets very annoyed/angry. He stays in there, not coming out to eat with us, or watch TV with us, or do anything together with us. After we all go to bed he goes in the kitchen and fixes his own supper. Even if I made something he said he wanted. He eats in front of the TV and then goes to bed after I have gone to sleep. Day after day after day... He doesn't want to leave. He says if I want to leave that's up to me, I'm the one with the problem, he says. He says he is fine with how things are.
I can't afford to leave. The girls have only ever known this house and these schools...their lives are here. They have no idea how a "normal" family should be so they don't know that this is not the right way to live. I am stuck. So we live our lives and he lives his and ignores us. I am a Christian and am blessed with a wonderful, supportive church family that I and the girls love.
I sometimes think that if he would only leave, then we could pick up the pieces and go on to something better. Not another husband/daddy...just something better on our own. So this is why I call what you are experiencing a "Gift". Stay strong, girlfriend...it will all work out and you WILL find it in yourself to be happy!! He is not weighing you down anymore...
Much love to you and your dear children...
1741 days ago
Mid life crisis indeed. It's a shame that he will create so much damage in its wake for you, your children, and even him.
1742 days ago
I can't see how he is not going to regret breaking up a family to start another one. So sad he is making these choices.
Thinking of you, wishing you the best
1743 days ago
I'm sorry. It's always hard to end a relationship after so many years. If you are the kind of person who likes silver linings though, just think, it's a new beginning for you. Good luck.
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Comment edited on: 9/14/2013 12:30:25 PM
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