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Broken Mirrors And Broken Dreams

Saturday, September 14, 2013

So last night we got a call from dad saying that his brother (the one with the cancer) was hospitalized and put into the ICU.

So my brothers wife convinced me and my brother that we should be the bigger people and go be there for our dad because his brother is dying....
So we show up and they are releasing my uncle because his cancer has spread and he is refusing treatment and instead of staying with his brother and us after we drove half an hour to be there to support him....My dad cursed my brother and I out and left to go pick his girlfriend up out of her drug rehab place. guess they released her for the night to be there for my dad. she is not even his family.
He has only known this girl 6 months.
He left his brothers death bed and cursed his kids yet again to go pick up her.

Why do I keep wanting to believe he will change. I feel so stupid and angry and most of all
im so stressed out plus the hospital room that my uncle was in was the same one my mom was in. so all those memories came flooded back and it hurts so much that she is gone :(

I don't understand why my brothers and I got such a horrible dad
I hear preachers saying all the time Parents are sent by God to be a vessel of his love
but when you have a parent who molests you, beats you, and tears you with words you cant really think that is Gods doing,
I just wanna know what my brothers and I did so horribly wrong to deserve a parent like him

I'll keep on praying for him because no matters how much he hurts me and my brothers,
least we have each other and we know we are better than my Dad.
Because we are kind and loving. Something he has never been to us.
Ya know its sad when he give me my moms ring for my birthday I actually had a glimmer of hope he was changing.

I'm so stupid I take a sliver of a broken mirror and I say oh its so pretty instead of looking at the ground and seeing how many hundreds of pieces it has been shattered into and having the sense to realize it will never be fixed...

Whatever. Oh well. I'm tired. And I have so much stress I got to deal with right now and this crap doesn't help.
I just wanna give up.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1678 days ago
    1678 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Please don't give up! emoticon
    1679 days ago
    1679 days ago
    Wow, there is alot of good advice! It is rough, but don't give up! at least not on yourself, or praying for your dad. You can't "fix" him. I hate to say sometimes the best of kids are handed the crappiest of parents. My boyfriend has terrible family relations, including his be grateful for your siblings.
    1680 days ago
    Take care of you. You're the one who is worth it. I'm so sorry you have to put up with that evil father. I had one as well, and don't miss him. My prayers go with you.
    1680 days ago
    "I just wanna know what my brothers and I did so horribly wrong to deserve a parent like him"

    YOU didn't do anything to deserve this. It is called the world got ahold of him and unfortunately you are living the consequence of his choices.

    I'm glad you did go to the hospital last night as you know in your heart it was the right thing to do for this time, but would I go next time? Probably not. We are called to forgive those that hurt us, but we are not called to forget or keep getting hurt by the same people over and over again. So hard....
    1680 days ago
    there us nothing that says you have to keep putting yourself through this ..... Take CARE OF YOU!!! You can move past and come to a place of forgiveness for your dad.....but that does not mean you forget what he has done..... this does NOT mean you have to keep putting your self in a situation where you are re-abused! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF this is the important thing! emoticon
    1680 days ago
    It is good to pray for him. Yet, it makes sense to protect yourself.

    In spite of my earthly father's horrible mistakes, my Heavenly Father is the true Father who is loving and caring.
    1680 days ago
    emoticon Don't give up I'm sure underneath he needs you.
    1680 days ago
    1680 days ago
    1680 days ago
    Your dad is wired WAY wrong. I understand how you feel praying for him, hoping he'll change but in my book, he does not deserve kindness from you and your brother. But I support you in your efforts.

    I think for your sanity and well-being you need to distance yourself from him. He may not ever change and will keep lashing out at you no matter how much kindness you show him.

    I can't remember in past blogs, do you see a therapist? I think you should. You are a kind and wonderful person, you do not deserve his manipulation and misplaced anger!

    1680 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1680 days ago
    Of course you know that you are not stupid or dumb. You are not stupid and dumb. I think you just have a lot of hope in life, for better things, better circumstances, better relationships. HOPE. And hope is not stupid or dumb. emoticon

    When you wrote "I hear preachers saying all the time Parents are sent by God to be a vessel of his love but when you have a parent who molests you, beats you, and tears you with words you cant really think that is Gods doing" and YOU ARE RIGHT!!! Parents are people too and so are child molesters, rapists and people who abused their children. I see my parents as adults now that I am an adult, and it is NOT okay for them to have abused me or abuse me NOW. You have a right, as an adult woman, to not see him ever or just for holidays (and not the whole day!). You have choices now and so do I, and I LOVE MY CHOICE MAKING gift! I TREASURE my right to choose, something you and I didn't have as children but have now. And your sister in law has no say in this AT ALL!!!!! She was NOT there when you were being abused.

    You are a beautiful daughter of a loving Father in Heaven and you deserve respect, love, peace and joy!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Love, Chelsea
    1680 days ago
    Don't give up. You are better and stronger than your father and his abusive ways. You need to do what is right and best for you. Your father obviously has some deep buried and major issues that he has never dealt with and it is unfortunate that he has chosen to take it out on you and your brothers but you don't have to take it. Do what is best for you and if that means shutting him out of your life then do it. Take care of YOU!! He doesn't deserve you.


    1680 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    Like SILVER_WOLF1221 said, you did nothing to deserve what he did to you. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Nobody deserves to be treated the way your dad treated you. Parents should protect their kids, not hurt them.

    You ARE not just the bigger person, you are a beautiful, wonderful person. It takes great personal strength to try to see the good in people, especially when people who have been terrible to you.

    Growing up, I was taught that people tend to lash out at people they have hurt. Defies logic, right ? Apparently, it is because seeing the people they've hurt reminds them of the terrible things they've done and how awful they've been, and since they don't like to see that in themselves, they lash out instinctively to push the people away. It seems that this is what is happening between your dad and you and your sibling. He was awful to you growing up - and it seems he still has many issues now - but you and your brother showed him kindness in offering to him support in his time of need. Which made him feel like crap, because he knows just how awful he has been to you both.

    That you saw hope in his gesture on your birthday is a testament to the fact that you are capable of great forgiveness. And I truly, truly admire you for that. I hope you see the beauty in yourself too.

    I hope you find healing. I hope you find strength. It really does break my heart to see the hurt that you feel. I hope you get to a place of peace. Do not let your dad drag you down anymore. Until your dad resolves his issues, I'm afraid his behavior is going to keep hurting you. It's time you took care of yourself, made plans for yourself, and had goals that you look forward to, that make you happy.

    I wish you great happiness. You deserve it.

    1680 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    Its right forgiveness is hard. You need to take care of yourself now, you can't change the past - you hoped your dad had changed but we can't change other people.

    I pray you remain strong and remember you are dealing with these hard things - be kind to yourself. You didn't deserve what happened in the past.

    1680 days ago
    I commend you for trying to see the "glimmer" of hope in a terrible situation. I will pray for you that you remain strong, and are blessed. Forgiveness is hard - I struggle with it too. You can only change yourself and you are on the right track.
    1680 days ago
    You're very strong for going to the hospital anyway. It's heartbreaking to know what you've been through. You and your brothers didn't deserve anything he had done to you, nothing. You were and still are innocent. You do have your brothers, even though the terrible things you guys have been through together, it has made you closer. I hope your father comes around at some point in his life. To see what he's really doing. You can at least say you made an attempt to be there for him. You are a wonderful person, through and through. Don't ever let anyone bring you down like that. You are worth far more than horrible actions committed by another. You were strong enough to still be a kind and loving person and not to turn into a hateful person. I hope things start to get better for you, I really do. emoticon emoticon
    1680 days ago
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