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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I have a problem. Well, I have lots of problems, but here is the current issue: I can’t stand it when my boyfriend looks at other women. Even if it’s a fleeting glance, it still upsets me. He is a good guy and he doesn’t just stare at other women in front of me, but there are boobs and legs and butt cheeks everywhere, and I’m positive that he sees them and likes what he sees. When we are out in public, I try not to even look at him so I don’t see when he looks at other people, especially women. When I do see him look, I hate him. I hate him and I am disgusted by him, but not nearly as disgusted as I am with myself. I don’t know how to deal with this. I have spoken with him a few times about my feelings and I’ve told him how intense they have been. He has been kind to me and tried to understand, and says that we can work on it together. However, I feel absolutely horrified and insanely jealous when he glances at another woman so I need to get this under control.

Let me just say that I don’t think I am afraid of him leaving me for one of the women he looks at, so saying “but he comes home to you,” isn’t helpful. My thoughts about it may not exactly be logical, but I do realize that he’s not trying to leave me for every woman he sees. I just really need help with this. I’m seeing a therapist and I’m going to talk to her about it tomorrow, but I am really torn up about this tonight. Any advice would be welcome.
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  • STR458
    while he's looking at her, look over your shoulder, there's another guy looking at you! and his wife is looking past her shoulder at the guy sneaking a look at her...on and on and on ..... emoticon emoticon
    1715 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/12/2013 7:52:19 AM
    Already lots of great advice here so I don't have a lot to add but I hope that you can work through this so that you are happier. emoticon
    1716 days ago
    It definitely is an issue you have to work through and learn to accept on your own. It took me a while but I finally figured out that everybody looks, not leers, but glances. Including me. I agree witht the previous commenter that we like to appreciate the beauty around us. The other night at the grocery store, a woman was walking in front of my husband in I in tight yoga pants, her butt was amazing. I glanced at my husband and sure enough his eyes were zeroed in. I could have gotten mad and jealous and hurt but I gave myself a second to think..our marriage is strong, he loves me and honestly her butt is awesome. So I just laughed and he looked bashful but laughed too. It could have been un ugly jealous moment but because of my choices it was a funny one. I wish you luck!
    1716 days ago
    The problem is that you don't understand a guys mind. I had to learn too. They are visual, and that is how they are programmed. We are verbal- they don't get that either.
    So I learnt to tell my guy, look at that truly beautiful woman. Or Wow, her top can't really be smaller, can it? That takes the emotional charge off, guilt for him for something he can't help, and rejection and failure for me. It just becomes a person that we both look at, laugh and move on.
    The fun starts when guys start looking at you, and your understanding husband who knows they don't mean anything with it, starts strutting around because you are his girl.
    1716 days ago
    I had the same issue! I am afraid there is not a whole lot that anyone other than yourself can do about this. After going through a lot of counseling myself, I learned the following:

    1. That "guys will be guys" which was not very helpful.
    2. I have the choice as to how I react to his behavior.
    3. My behavior was based on patterns learned as a child or adolescent
    4. I have to learn to trust him
    5. Much of what I thought was jealousy was actually fear that he would leave me because I did not measure up to the women he was looking at.
    6. I need to learn to love me as I am and if I can do that, I will understand why and how he loves me - meaning that there is more to me than a pretty face.
    7. I am a pretty spectacular person and that no pretty young thing can compare to what I have to offer - the whole package.

    I know I learned much more and continue to learn, but the bottom line is that if you love yourself, it will lessen your jealousy if not get rid of it all together because you do not feel the need to have approval from others and you will recognize that he is not trying to be hurtful. He is truly only doing what comes naturally to all persons - appreciating the beauty all around us.

    By the way, I have also learned that I enjoy the sight of men just as much as he likes the sight of women and that just because I look does not mean that I am going to do anything about it.

    I hope this is helpful. Give yourself a break and try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that is easier said than done - believe me I know - I fight that battle every day.

    Continue with counseling. If you are not making progress with the one you have, find another that will provide greater assistance to you. I had to go through several before I found the one that has been a great help to me.

    Good luck with this.
    1716 days ago
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