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Monday, September 09, 2013

I haven't made a blog post in over a week! Wow.

Well, things are in a weird flux for me. Since school is now in swing for both my daughter and I, my exercise schedule has gone very irregular. Fortunately, I've still been able to swing about 3 sessions at the Y a week, and then I've tried to supplement at home, either by running outside or doing a exercise vid. This has met with varying levels of success. Diet has been good. I have been tracking less and eating intuitively several times a week at dinner time. I Again, things have been ok with that. I'm still losing at a rate of about 8 pounds a month.

I still haven't exited that nervous window of worry that I will regress now that I am no longer exercising as frequently or as consistently. I hit ONEderland this week, though, and I didn't think that would ever come! I am now a couple of pounds away from my "halfway point" and another 10 away from "overweight" BMI. Woohoo!

My current observations about this stage in my process:

1) I think I am fitting into smaller clothes than the last time I was at this weight. There are some items from my closet that fit just fine but I don't recall being able to fit into them before I was at 190 or below. I attribute this solely to strength training! Good stuff!

2) I've realized that I may be having a bit of body dysmorphic syndrome that I am trying to be aware of and am trying to "get real". When I look in the mirror it doesn't seem that I've lost a bit of weight and I am as fat as I ever was! It doesn't make sense. I see my workout clothes getting looser and looser. I FEEL better. But when I look in the mirror I see that same body that I saw in the beginning. The other day, when I was running on the track at the Y, I accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and I was HORRIFIED. My belly is still huge. My calves are still huge. I haven't changed a bit, despite how I feel. Intellectually, I can reason with myself and tell myself that my perception is skewed. That said, I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a surge of deflated pride, demoralization and depression when I look at myself. Ugh. I know this is a mental/emotional hurdle I need to work on.

3) Lastly, my running is/was going well but I have been nursing a shin splint in my left leg for a month now with no change and it may be getting worse. Part of me is so driven to succeed that I am not slacking off enough to let it heal. Tonight I told myself that I would rest from running and only do Zumba. I had to quit halfway through the class because the muscles were pulling too much. This has never happened! I simply could not keep up! I'm afraid that I may have to scale back for a few weeks to take care of this thing and do some exercises for it. Because of this, I will likely regress a bit and have to work my way up to where I am currently at with this. I am currently at 2 miles straight without breaking for a walking interval. On my "hard" days I will run a mile, do strength training, and then run two miles. I know that doesn't seem like a whole lot to experienced runners but it's amazing for me, and part of why I've been pushing for longer. I hate the fact that I may have to work my way up again if I rest for too long but I may do more harm if I don't. It's a Catch 22. If anyone has any advice about how to handle this, I would certainly appreciate it!

Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    !!!!!!!!!! Um, do you even get how big this is??????????????????? emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon I would be shouting from the rooftops! I am so proud of you my friend! I truly hope your leg heals soon so that you don't have to work your way back much. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1985 days ago
    Hope you are having a good week so far!! emoticon emoticon
    1989 days ago
  • NHES220
    Congrats on Onederland! That is so awesome! The body image thing is so hard. I go back and forth, sometimes I think I don't look so bad and then I think I look terrible. I have muscular legs and I they will never be skinny. But I'm strong, so I should be proud of that and so should you. One thing about the shin splints, sometimes they are a sign of a tight achilles or the start of a plantar fasciatis, so make sure you are really stretching. Also, make sure you rest!
    1990 days ago
    Hey! Stop the presses! You just hit ONEDERLAND? emoticon emoticon

    Way to go, Girl! That's fantastic!

    Regarding the body image stuff, I notice that I am losing weight more slowly this time around and my brain is doing much better with keeping up. It's not completely accurate, but I know that previously -- I once actually got too THIN ( Yes - I asked for that in writing!)and yet I still felt like I was heavy as ever. I really think that's at least part of how/why I put the weight back on. I didn't really get to enjoy an improvement!

    I hope you will give yourself a bit of rest to heal up those shin splints. There's no hurry to get "there." You know what it takes and you will get there. Please do not take the chance of a permanent injury - or you will really be in trouble!

    Take care. emoticon
    1991 days ago
  • SUMMER2203
    i feel ya with the crazy schedule (although i cannot IMAGINE doing school and work with a kid, so MAJOR props to you!!!!) it sounds like you are balancing super well!! i feel you also on the body image thing -- i kind of cycle between feeling like i look exactly the same, and feeling like i look super skinny haha. none of my images of myself are accurate whatsoever. i think it is hard for your brain to catch up with your body, but just try to stay as logical about it as possible! you are fitting into much smaller clothes, you are in onederland...you know youre killin it!!
    1991 days ago
    Hey sweetie emoticon I am very disturbed about your shin splints. emoticon You are wise to let it heal. You need shoes with good support. If you want to continue your cardio you can still do minimal weight bearing activities such as stationary bike and possibly elliptical, if you use it with little incline. I am happy you are still loosing weight with all that is occuring. emoticon
    I understand your frustration. emoticon I would be screaming and very angry! emoticon I am such a hard driven person, as I believe you are too, that I expect my weight loss to be what you see on commercials & Hollywood. Unfortunately, losing weight in a healthy and long term fashion is agonizing. It appears as though nothing is happening because it is so gradual. Be patient, be kind to yourself and try not to push so hard. You are a very special person and have a major responsibility to yourself, your daughter and all your Spark Buddies emoticon emoticon . "Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination". Ralph Marston
    You are incredibly smart and already know that the scale does not show everything and the mirror can be your enemy. What you can't see behind the scenes on y0ur body is the alteration of your body composition from fat to muscle. That's why your clothes are fitting better. My measurements have not changed a lot in 6 months, but I can wear a size 4?? , I wore a 12 this time last year. I looked at pictures of myself taken by my daughter this weekend. I was greatly disappointed, as I felt that I still look fat. What I concluded is that even though I have lost weight, my body has maintained the same proportions. We can't spot reduce so our body will retain the larger genetically predisposed dysmorphic conditions, thanks to Mom & Dad. I would rather be smaller and than still be larger with a big butt.

    Sorry, if it sounds like I am preaching to the choir. I am actually telling myself this same information, as I am explaining to you! Hope it have given you less reason to beat yourself up!! Please give yourself a big hug for being such and awesome Mom, student and Spark Buddy! Love ya! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1991 days ago
    emoticon onderland! emoticon Try to keep those negative thoughts out of your head. Hug that wonderful person... YOU...who is doing so well. hugs, Laurel
    1991 days ago
  • LORI2562
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    *~~*~~* ONEderland! Wonderful!! *~~*~~*
    1991 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/10/2013 1:09:09 PM
    I know I sound like a broken record, but the only thing I have to offer is this...

    Judgment, attachment and expectation ROB us of peace, joy and love.

    The destination is not the point here, Holley. Your emotional, physical and spiritual well being ARE :-)

    Just do what you know to do every day to become the person you want to be...let the rest go...and take care of itself.

    You are doing such a MARVELOUS job!!! Give yourself a break from all the judgment of your physical form, attachment to a particular outcome and unrealistic physical expectations.

    always with all my love, Sweetheart...
    stephi :-)
    1991 days ago
    Woah woah woah now, hold the horses - you hit ONEderland?!?!?!?!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    That is awesome girlfriend! HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!

    You're rockin' and rollin'!

    I hear you on the body image issues. We're so mean to ourselves! Try treating yourself like a friend - would you tell your friend she has huge calves? Probably not! (I hope not?!) Try to change that internal voice to a friend and hopefully you'll start seeing those positive changes for real?!

    Keep up the awesome work!
    1991 days ago
  • no profile photo SUEPERWOMAN
    I agree I think 8 pounds per month is STUPENDOUS!!!

    You are doing so, so well. I hope your shin splint feels better soon, those hurt!

    You have come a long way. Quit inspiring yourself to quit with your terrible self talk. Love my friend or I will come over there and slap you!

    Love, Ginger emoticon
    1991 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/10/2013 6:51:02 AM
    emoticon DERLAND!!

    That's emoticon DERFUL!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1992 days ago
    Wow, I think 8 lbs per month is AMAZING - even when I was morbidly obese, I could never lose more than 5 lbs a month! You are awesome, and woohoo for ONEderland!

    I think body issues are fairly common. It's funny, because the way I see my own pictures has changed. Pictures where I used to think of myself as small I now see as huge. When I first got to my current weight, I was smaller than I'd been in a decade, and could see that, but now that I've been here for awhile, I just see fat fat fat. It can be really frustrating and sadly I have no idea about solution. :/

    As for the running - have you been foam-rolling? The foam rolling REALLY helps with tight muscles and shin splints. Shin splints, also, are often caused by too much flattening of your arch, which pulls the shin muscle away from the bone and causes little tears. (I know I'm repeating myself, but I cant' remember if it was you that I said this to or someone else. Forgive me if I've said this before to you!) The best way to prevent them is to make sure to have adequate support under your arches, and to keep all those muscles loose when you're not exercising, and the latter is best achieved with lots of good stretching and foam-rolling. There are a couple really great foam-rolling vids here on Spark, as well as some good articles on great stretches and yoga poses for runners. I used to get terrible shin splints, but they pretty much went away after I started using a foam roller regularly.
    1992 days ago
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