Rough Week

Sunday, September 08, 2013

So I ended up binging quite a bit this week. I had many meltdowns. I even threw up my food yesterday because I felt so out of control. This is obviously not healthy on many levels.

I don't know why I continued to binge. For some reason, I felt like I would get some sort of relief, release, or satisfaction if I just ate this one more thing. Obviously nothing gave me the relief I was looking for. In the midst of a binge, I did blank out for a while, so I guess that's what I'm looking for.

But physically, I feel terrible. The feeling of being overly full is terrible. My regularity (if you will) is off and I just feel heavy and weighted down with junk.

I am glad to be a little bit more in tune with my body because I would go months like this and really ignore these types of signals. Even if I have been acting out all week, at least I'm not blatantly ignoring these terrible feelings.

The fact of the matter is that when I look for something on the outside to make me feel complete on the inside, I will always feel incomplete. I need to find balance in my life.

Yes, the new job is incredibly stressful, but it is also amazing. I love teaching, especially sixth grade (who would have thought). I can't be so hard on myself all the time. I can't be perfect at it and I am hardworking. I am going to fall short sometimes and that's completely okay. Everyday is an opportunity for learning and growth.

I am going to try to get back on track today. I am going to stay away from "reward" meals for a couple of weeks. I am not doing well with eating sugar at all. It is insatiable. I'll go back to my keto cups for treats.

I may decide to have a reward meal at the big e in a couple of weeks, but I'll see how I'm feeling emotionally. I think the way I'm feeling emotionally is key in whether or not I can eat outside of my overall plan.

I will persevere.
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    Oh, (((((hugs)))) my friend!
    I hear what you are saying. You are feeling lost a bit and going to the old habits to ease the pain. But you are getting fed up with what doesn't work and realizing that binges are on that list. How to find what does work, what does bring relief? That's the big question. It's truly different for all of us and where we have to dig at what's eating at our hearts to discover. I wish I could hand you a big ole shovel and help you dig. Just know that I am wishing you peace and joy and think you are awesome for who you are. Already you are making great strides by blogging and regaining control compared to your old ways. This is progress. Celebrate that. Keep searching for the truth and chipping away at what makes you unhappy until you find what is causing you to binge. You can do this. You are here and fighting still. *high five*
    2055 days ago
    I love you too, darling! Sorry you are having such a rough week. I think its bound to happen at times. I don't think any single person is perfect at this nutrition thing especially in these times of such conflicting information on what is healthy, what isnt. Even those raw foodists and clean eaters at some point have to cave, even if they don't share it, it happens. It has to! I used to be one of those perfectionist eaters. It was fun, but it was actually really stressful feeling so alienated from the rest of this sugar, gluten, gmo loving world we live in. Constantly saying no to my family and friends and being deemed pretentious and ocd wore me out. Along with the all the other messed up stuff in my life inevitably I dove back to the other side of the spectrum. Balance is just not something I know how to achieve yet. Will power is another story lol.

    I think that you have been doing a really great job from reading your blogs and you are going to have to let up on yourself a bit! A lot actually because look at how far you have come and how much self awareness you have developed through this experience. I am really proud of you! You know exactly what to do, you got this, you got this, you got this!

    To help with the nasty weighed down feelings of the binge, I have come to see that boiling strong ginger tea and drinking alot of it helps alot. Also apple cider vinegar, lemon and stevia water throughout the day too.

    Well darling hang in there. More and more you are getting the hang of this. xoxooxox emoticon
    2055 days ago
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    2055 days ago
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