Sunday, September 08, 2013
So I ended up binging quite a bit this week. I had many meltdowns. I even threw up my food yesterday because I felt so out of control. This is obviously not healthy on many levels.
I don't know why I continued to binge. For some reason, I felt like I would get some sort of relief, release, or satisfaction if I just ate this one more thing. Obviously nothing gave me the relief I was looking for. In the midst of a binge, I did blank out for a while, so I guess that's what I'm looking for.
But physically, I feel terrible. The feeling of being overly full is terrible. My regularity (if you will) is off and I just feel heavy and weighted down with junk.
I am glad to be a little bit more in tune with my body because I would go months like this and really ignore these types of signals. Even if I have been acting out all week, at least I'm not blatantly ignoring these terrible feelings.
The fact of the matter is that when I look for something on the outside to make me feel complete on the inside, I will always feel incomplete. I need to find balance in my life.
Yes, the new job is incredibly stressful, but it is also amazing. I love teaching, especially sixth grade (who would have thought). I can't be so hard on myself all the time. I can't be perfect at it and I am hardworking. I am going to fall short sometimes and that's completely okay. Everyday is an opportunity for learning and growth.
I am going to try to get back on track today. I am going to stay away from "reward" meals for a couple of weeks. I am not doing well with eating sugar at all. It is insatiable. I'll go back to my keto cups for treats.
I may decide to have a reward meal at the big e in a couple of weeks, but I'll see how I'm feeling emotionally. I think the way I'm feeling emotionally is key in whether or not I can eat outside of my overall plan.
I will persevere.