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I've been lying to myself

Sunday, September 08, 2013

I usually don’t get too personal with people, but this week I have come to a realization about something that is hindering my progress but I have been in denial that it’s really an issue. It may not be very obvious, but I battle with depression and I have definitely hit a low point in my life.

It started back in 2009 when I had undoubtedly the worst year of my life. This was the year we found out about my sister’s drug addiction, my grandpa burned down his house (by accident of course), and my parents separated 2 weeks before Christmas after 26 years, just to name a few.

I’m not depressed as in I want to hurt myself and I’m not necessarily an emotional eater; some days it’s not being able to get out of bed when I have a million things to do, or it’s isolating myself from society not wanting to be in public.

I have been on and off meds since 2009 and I stopped taking them again late last year. I felt they were no longer serving their purpose and I was feeling great. Now here I am, stressed about so many different things, my sister and the mountain of debt I carry are probably my two biggest worries.

Exercise is something I love to do and as the days go by it becomes more and more of a chore. I have given the idea that the depression has set in some brief thought in the last few months, but I didn’t really take myself seriously. But this week something just clicked, and I realized it has become a huge road block in this already difficult journey. As much as I have tried to stay positive and motivate myself and others, and come up with varying ways to stay in the mix, my efforts in pulling myself out of this “funk” have been extremely unsuccessful and I feel as though it’s getting worse.

So this week I called my doc and she sent over a new script for the medication and they gave me a referral to see someone…some things (like my sister) simply can’t be worked through on my own.

I’m not telling all of you that happen to read this for any kind of pity or sympathy, that’s not me. Like I said, I don’t usually get personal about myself (but I am always able to listen to others no matter what), but this has been weighing on me for some time and it is really effecting the direction my journey is taking (the opposite of what I want).

This week I think the only goal I met was my water intake. Very, very disappointing. I was really busy this week and my schedule was a little different, plus I was dog sitting. The combination had me completely thrown off, twice I didn’t go to bed once I got off work; I stayed up most of the day aside from a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and even the following day my body just didn’t know how to react, even after a good nights sleep.

For now I am just hopeful that I can start moving in a positive direction and really start making progress.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I appreciate your honesty.

    Love, Ginger

    1671 days ago
  • BRADMILL2922
    I hate to hear that you have been going through such a hard time. I hope for you that you can start moving in a positive direction as soon as possible.

    1681 days ago
    It is a huge step and very admirable that you are reaching out to a professional to work through some of that pain from your past. That will mean that your fresh start is truly fresh and you will be the best version of yourself during and after this journey. You are such a beautiful person and the world needs to benefit from your shine! You are bound to have some days where you are the one in need of support. Please know that I am always here if you need someone to simply listen.

    1681 days ago
    1683 days ago
    1684 days ago
    Stay positive, everything will work out for the best! It seems hard sometimes, and I am sorry for what you are going through, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to climb through it! I hope you feel better and good luck, You can do this girl!
    1684 days ago
    I'm sorry you have been going through a difficult time. I suffer from something similar and I know all about the funks, they are no fun. It does sound like you have recognized your own limitations and have done the right thing by calling your doctor and getting the referral. I hope you can get out of the funk soon and get back to making your goals.

    1684 days ago
    Angie - What a touching and thoughtful blog! Just your willingness to share this part of your life will help you and many others tremendously. I too have suffered depression and really didn't want to have to "rely on a drug to help me feel better," but that was one of the first positive steps that I made! Seeking counselling at the same time is a VERY good idea! If everyone decided that we could handle everything -- where would any of be? As you said, this journey is not an easy one to begin, so you absolutely need to give yourself every chance for success! Depression can completely debilitate a person if left untreated, and certainly interferes with all aspects of your life -- especially your way of thinking. I applaud & support you whole-heartedly! Look what you have accomplished despite the depression. Just think about how you may soar when it isn't a major effort just to get out of bed in the morning!

    You Go Girl! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1684 days ago
  • DALMOM2007
    Hi Angie,
    Where you are now, is where I was for the past four took me some time to unbury myself, and unlike you, nobody around me was the wiser...I'm always smiling on the outside and appear to be happy. (Which I actually am now.) However, in hindsite, my drinking increased to every day, I gained 40 lbs, I too shut myself away from my friends and family and behind closed doors, I was sad and depressed. I still have issues with debt, but all my other issues have resolved themselves in a good or bad way, but at least they are resolved and I've dealt with them now...finally. I'm sure that since you are seeking professional help, you'll be better soon.

    Regarding your sister, I cannot give advise on how to help her, however, I can say that my brother was an addict over 20 years ago, and he is now drug free. It was not easy for him or our family, but after he truly hit rock bottom, he asked for help and was strong enough to pull through. I do know how difficult it is to watch a loved one who has an addiction and not be able to help them, however, there is always hope. I hope your sister finds her inner strength and pulls through. emoticon
    1684 days ago

    Thanks for sharing your story. Self actualization is a VERY important part of personal growth and your doctor couldn't be more correct. Sometimes in life, there are several factors we CAN'T handle on our own. Your sister, your parents - you can't CONTROL them. I think that's an important factor to remember in this. It doesn't make you hurt any less, however, you can't fix what's not in front of you. You can however control how you handle it. A therapist can give you the tools to do this. The first one might not be the ticket for you. Not everyone is suitable for everyone - that includes patients and healthcare practitioners. As Dr. Phil would say, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." You've already taken the first step. I hope this person can change things around for you and you can get back on track. I've been a binge eater, an emotional eater...and depressed since approximately first grade. I've been in many dark places. I don't just see a therapist, but a psychiatrist as well. I don't feel "wonderful"....but I think I've improved a little bit. Just be willing to utilize your resources at hand. I know myself, as well as many other sparkers are always willing to lend a listening ear.
    1684 days ago
    It takes a lot to be open and honest about our struggles, so I applaud you for sharing your story. I'm glad you are taking positive steps to help you get through everything. Even meeting one goal is an accomplishment. Stay strong and keep pushing toward the goals you've set for yourself and you will get there!
    emoticon emoticon
    1684 days ago
  • ROCKLAND2010
    Focus on the fact you took positive steps to help yourself. Thank you for sharing.
    1685 days ago
    I'm so glad you felt like you could open up and talk about what is going on. Sometimes when we remain quiet about an issue it grows so big and takes on more power over us than it should have. By speaking out, you are taking control and it will be easier for you to take steps to fix it.

    You are not weak for using medication and/or counseling. You are actually very strong for recognizing your needs and doing what is necessary to help the situation. I applaud you for that.

    Be proud of yourself that you met at least 1 goal this week. Acknowledge that it was less than you wanted to do, but don't dwell on it or beat yourself up over it. Make some simple plans to achieve a couple more goals in the coming week, but be kind to yourself as you work this out.

    You are beautiful, inside and out. I'm confident that you will search out those things that will help you and never give up on reaching your goals. Yes, this is a bump in the road, but it will not get the best of you. You are a valuable gift to Spark People, and we are here to help you on your way.
    1685 days ago
    Congrats! You are on a positive road now that you took action for you depression.....I hope you feel better soon and will be able to tackle your issues easier......I know you CAN do it!!
    1685 days ago
    Angie, You are being nurturing and good to yourself, to get this evaluated prior to not getting too deep in quicksand.

    Don't look at it, as a failure if you need counseling or medical help. You will so much more accomplished.

    1685 days ago
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