Thursday, September 05, 2013
I buried my brother today. He was a really great guy. The congregation numbered 2500. It still hasn't sunk in. He died last week Wednesday. It was an open casket. I couldn't look at his face because when I looked it didn't look like him. There were even more wellwishers at the burial site. Everyone had a great story to tell about him. There was a lot of laughter as well as tears. A lot of hugs, almost felt hugged out. I still expected him to turn up during the whole thing, I don't know why.
I haven't been tracking my food. I haven't exercised in two weeks. I've been bingeing for almost the same amount of time even though I wasn't really hungry to begin with. Eating my feelings. I'm trying prayer to get help to keep on with my weight loss. I know I've gained a few pounds not sure how much as I refuse to get on a scale. I don't want to bring myself down even more. I really don't have any motivation, I don't want to go back to the gym just yet. My brother never drank, smoked, did drugs always ate right and exercised, a robust man. Yet he got cancer in his lungs, bones and brain. It shouldn't have happened like this. Not to him. Has me wondering what the heck do I think I'm doing with trying to get healthier, lose weight and eat right, when I might end up like this.
I'm really numb and stunned even though all signs pointed to him not being here anymore. I want to cry but I can't do it. I swallow it down. I don't know what else to say except that I probably won't have this hit me until everything calms down, I wish it were sooner because I feel that it might come out as an emotional breakdown when I least expect it. To anybody who reads this, do yourself a favor and hug the people you are close to because you never know what might happen.