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Thursday, September 05, 2013

I buried my brother today. He was a really great guy. The congregation numbered 2500. It still hasn't sunk in. He died last week Wednesday. It was an open casket. I couldn't look at his face because when I looked it didn't look like him. There were even more wellwishers at the burial site. Everyone had a great story to tell about him. There was a lot of laughter as well as tears. A lot of hugs, almost felt hugged out. I still expected him to turn up during the whole thing, I don't know why.

I haven't been tracking my food. I haven't exercised in two weeks. I've been bingeing for almost the same amount of time even though I wasn't really hungry to begin with. Eating my feelings. I'm trying prayer to get help to keep on with my weight loss. I know I've gained a few pounds not sure how much as I refuse to get on a scale. I don't want to bring myself down even more. I really don't have any motivation, I don't want to go back to the gym just yet. My brother never drank, smoked, did drugs always ate right and exercised, a robust man. Yet he got cancer in his lungs, bones and brain. It shouldn't have happened like this. Not to him. Has me wondering what the heck do I think I'm doing with trying to get healthier, lose weight and eat right, when I might end up like this.

I'm really numb and stunned even though all signs pointed to him not being here anymore. I want to cry but I can't do it. I swallow it down. I don't know what else to say except that I probably won't have this hit me until everything calms down, I wish it were sooner because I feel that it might come out as an emotional breakdown when I least expect it. To anybody who reads this, do yourself a favor and hug the people you are close to because you never know what might happen.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It is always hard to loose someone so close to you. I lost my wife a few years ago. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through. I was a sober alcoholic of 24 years at the time and lost all desire to be sober. I didn't want to get drunk, I just didn't care if I did. I believe what saved me was that even though I no longer cared, I believe that someday I would care again. So I did the things I would do if I cared about my sobriety. It seems to have worked. Later this week I will celebrate 35 years of continuous sobriety. I know that you too will care again. Until then you have all my good thoughts.
    2727 days ago
  • MAWMAW101
    My very heartfelt sympathy to you. Please know that when I lost my 19 year old son the most important thing I learned is that 20 minutes of walking will help you in ways you can't imagine. I know the first time I tried to walk that I literally couldn't get to one minute. But I kept going and eventually it does happen that your mind begins to let go of some of the ache. It never goes away, but I can say it gets better with time.
    Prayers and love sent your way every day.
    Just keep reaching out to anyone who will listen.
    2728 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/7/2013 11:35:17 AM
    I am so sorry to read your blog! I am also so very sad to hear that you lost your brother to such an ugly disease that knows no boundaries. Give yourself time and permission to grieve as much and however you need to express it. No one else can judge your needs but you. Be gentle with yourself as you would have your brother. Although I never knew him, I am sure he wouldn't want you to cause yourself any more pain than his death itself has caused you. Let it all out and let yourself heal.

    The Spark Community will be here whenever you feel up to it. Don't worry about anyone or anything else for now. Just look after YOU. emoticon
    2729 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief is real and it leaves you raw. Don't hold back the tears when they are ready to come they wash you from the inside out. Don't let your brother's passing foil your efforts to make healthy choices for you- he wouldn't want you to give up on yourself because he was the victim of cancer. We may never find the answer to "Why?" this side of heaven, meanwhile we carry on cherishing the good memories emoticon
    2729 days ago
    First of all I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother, sometimes life just doesn't seem fair at all. The good are taken way before their time and the bad seem to stay longer to just make everyone miserable.
    I lost my mom last year, we weren't as close as I wanted to be and I found myself mourning the mother I should of had.
    Don't beat yourself up for eating your emotions these past weeks, you've been under a lot of stress. Don't give up your brother wouldn't want you too, live your life to the fullest as you wish he could of done.
    Sometimes I need to just cry it makes me feel a little better and what I do is put on a sad song to get everything out of me that feels toxic instead of eating my feelings.
    I pray things get better for you and your family death isn't easy to deal with and we all grief differently, try to remember the good times. You'll always have fond memories that no one can take away.
    Give yourself time, but don't give up on being a healthier you he would of wanted you to succeed in your healthy lifestyle.
    God Bless you and your family are in my prayers! emoticon
    2730 days ago
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    2730 days ago
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