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The recurring dream and other stories

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

I'm making some progress on my goal of cutting my food waste as much as possible. I had three small melons sitting untouched on my kitchen counter. Thanks to Alton I know the easy way to peel and cut up melons, so I got a honeydew and a watermelon cut up and in the fridge (although I do bring them to room temp before eating). I also got the new CSA box today, so I have some gorgeous red flame grapes. I'm also having sauteed beet greens and ham with dinner. When kale starts coming later this year, I think I'm going to experiment with Portuguese caldo verde (kale soup). I'll also make colcannon for the holidays. That's a traditional Irish dish of sauteed kale and mashed potatoes.

I've had the same dream several times, which I've discussed with Arthur. The details vary, but the base outline is that I'm in some glamorous setting, such as a cruise ship or formal party. There's a huge buffet but I have to wait on other people who demand my attention and by the time I can get to the buffet table all I can get are scraps.

I've blogged before about my early experience as a hungry kid, but I've come to realize that the dream is about a lot more than food. For many years I've felt on an unconscious level that good things in life, even basics, aren't "part of my reality," if you will. I've felt like a little kid looking through the toy store window watching everyone else get the goodies. To give you an example, until I made that huge trip to the laundromat last week I felt like properly laundered clothes were something everyone else had! Stupid, I know, but I'd watch commercials on TV and actually think, "they're wearing really clean clothes." I have felt locked out of everything that isn't a thrift-store reject, so to speak.

Of course, the physical exertion of things like going to the laundromat are a problem for me, but I don't think they're the big issue. I think I've been conditioned to think I don't deserve them, and even that there's something wrong with me for wanting them. Like wanting some polish in my life makes me shallow and materialistic. My birth family's home was grubby and falling apart. My father blamed all of us for not keeping it up (while he sat in his chair from dawn to midnight). The whole family (besides me) also maintained that having a polished home, beautiful clothes and a nice car meant you were snobbish and stuck-up. It took me a long time to realize that THEY were the ones were looking down on other peoples' lifestyles, not the other way.

The "waste" issue goes beyond food and ties in with the dream. I have jewelry I've never worn, makeup I've never touched, pretty dresses that have hung in the closet for years. You wouldn't believe it to look at me now, but I was a major fashionista when I was a kid. I read Seventeen Magazine religiously. I sewed a lot of my own clothes, both because I really love to sew and to get EXACTLY what I wanted. I experimented with just about every cosmetic on the market. I even knew how to set or braid my hair (it was waist-length at the time). I miss that girl. I want to find her grown-up counterpart. Of course I'm not going to have waist length hair ever again (I don't have an hour in the morning to brush it out) and I'd like to be more Vogue than Seventeen (though Vogue doesn't feature anything like my size).

I think there's another reason behind that one, though. My father watched me like a hawk and if I so much as smiled at a boy, he'd call me a whore. If my lipstick was a touch too red or my earrings a smidgen too big, I was a streetwalker waiting to happen. And my ex couldn't handle my sexuality at all. I actually married perhaps the only man I've ever known who hated sex. I once bought a red lace teddy to spark things, and he wouldn't even look at me. He blushed burgundy red, turned his head and shouted, "Oh, J**** C*****!" I think my "I give up" appearance now is my way of saying, "well look, guys, nobody's interested in me now."

I have got to start convincing the little demon between my ears that I really do deserve these things, that there's nothing wrong with wanting them. Or maybe I should just serve the little creep an eviction notice!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It sounds as though you transferred your sensousness from yourself to a joy for food. It's good to know that you still have it, though, and that you can make it more personal again. Enjoy a stylish haircut and nice clothes and some paint on your face. Your father was wrong, your husband was wrong. There's a lot of territory between being cut off from your nature and being a 'tainted' woman. Be your true self. She sounds like a happy, lively person.
    1691 days ago
    You are worthy of so much goodness and love! emoticon
    1693 days ago
    Eviction notice it is! Just because somebody says something doesn't make it true. You are a valuable person and you need to remind yourself of that every day until you just know that is the truth. We all, including you, deserve to have things that make us feel good. We all have a responsibility to take care of the things we have, be it clothes, a house, an apartment, a car, a garden, a family, etc.. There is nothing stuck up or snobbish about being responsible and taking care of yourself and your things and your environment. They do say that cleanliness is next to Godliness - so how can wanting things to be clean be wrong? You are a normal person wanting normal things and that IS NOT WRONG OR BAD!!!

    Do your best to enjoy the good that is in your life now and to keep smiling. Let the past stay behind you!

    1693 days ago
    You are worthy of enjoying all the nice things this world has to offer! I hope you manage to evict that little demon. Sadly I can relate. I hope this is just the start for you, and that you will be able to grant yourself a few more comforts in life from now on.
    1693 days ago
    I like the eviction notice.
    1693 days ago
  • LIS193
    1693 days ago
    Amazing, heartfelt, honest and moving blog! I think you should definitely service that little devil an eviction notice.

    I'm thrilled that you seem capable of dissecting your dreams and are doing everything in your power to move forward, make a new and meaningful life for yourself. You are a wonderful and deserving of 'everything' person. Always remember that!

    1693 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. emoticon
    1693 days ago
    Give the little creep an eviction notice and get on with your life. You deserve it!!!

    1693 days ago
    What a fascinating blog. Thanks for sharing. Sounds as if you are a survivor of lots of emotional/verbal abuse, but that you are figuring out ways to avoid letting them define you. You are a smart lady!

    I find it very interesting that, in the beginning of your blog, you describe a sort of earthy, rich foundation and greatness of blessing in your life (availability of a CSA in your area with high quality local produce and the sense to appreciate that, someone in your life with whom you are able to share 'scary' things, like unpleasant recurring dreams, and awareness and value of your heritage/cultural traditions), things that far outweigh the superficial 'niceties' of life that are advertised and touted by the media and shallow folk. Sure, makeup and jewelry can lift one's spirits temporarily - and that's not a bad thing, but feeling good about who you are and the life you have created for yourself is not something that wipes off or goes into a box at the end of the day.
    1694 days ago
    I think a lot of people's upbringing makes them feel unworthy but it sounds like it was extreme in your case. YOU ARE worthy of the good things in life, wear those dresses and jewellery. emoticon
    1694 days ago
    You are worthy and should do things for yourself. You know I'm big on that.
    1694 days ago
    That is so sad to read what you have endured, but you are your own woman now. Put those wasted years behind and wear their nice clothes and hold your head high . As the others say you do deserve to be the best you can . I am there cheering for you. Ree

    1694 days ago
    You so much deserve them dear girl. The next appliance you should be buying for yourself if you don't already have for yourself is a curling iron and/or hot rollers and if you have then. Dig them out , start experimenting and have fun!
    1694 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1694 days ago
    Have a blessed day and the rest of your week - healing takes time and love - love yourself enough to do what you must.
    1694 days ago
    all the best
    1694 days ago
    It's wonderful that you have Arthur to talk to about these issues. I find it so sad that your family treated you so poorly, and that it is still affecting you. But you've taken a huge step by acknowledging these issues, and knowing that they are there. I hope that your continuing work with Arthur will help you confront these old demons, and get them out of your life forever.

    1694 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I agree that it is good that you are talking to Arthur. I will say that you had negative male influences In your life, beginning with your father. This is so unfortunate and has been a huge disappointment in your life. emoticon Just remember this had nothing to do with YOU. You were the victim.
    1694 days ago
    Ahhh... I'm glad you're talking about these major life deficits and disappointments with Arthur! We all need that... and why should you feel like you're on the outside, looking in? But you also bring home an important point: Not only do many of us have that feeling for a whole host of reasons, but ONE IN SIX Americans - I'm including adults here - go HUNGRY. I won't get into the politics of all that, but it's clear to me that we are a hurting nation...

    Do what brings you some of that pleasure, and do it now. You are - with the melons, your gift for cooking, and your openness toward good, healthy ingredients! I love them, too - the beet greens, the red flame grapes - mmmm! Enjoy these seasonal treats! Figs are out, too... I had a few dried figs this morning with breakfast. Since I started (and finished) my weight loss, I have gotten away from processed crap and very much into good, fresh ingredients - a whole new world. They cost more, but I figure I'm only here once and would rather scrimp elsewhere to have these goodies.

    Continued healing and comfort to deserve the very best! emoticon
    1694 days ago
    I'm so glad you have Arthur to share these thoughts with. I believe you are worth nice things, but you have to convince yourself of that fact.
    1694 days ago
    The events you've been through are so sad! BUT you obviously know you ARE worthy of a nice life, pretty clothes, nice things!

    HUGS and remember . . . you're worth it!
    1694 days ago
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