Am I ashamed of eating healthy food?

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

At dinner last night I ate way more than I intended to. And my excuse was that I didn't want to stick out. I had brought enough to share of what I planned to eat over to my brother's house. He wanted pizza and when it showed up my stuff wasn't quite ready so everyone started to eat pizza. And I felt left out and self-conscious. "Everyone will see I'm not eating the pizza" I think. As if that's a bad thing. "They'll know I'm trying to loose weight." Also, bad thing evidently. I am probably just ashamed of how many times I've attempted to loose weight and have ended up 5 or 10lbs heavier than when I started. I'm ashamed of failing publicly.
Which is ridiculous. First off, no one else gives a flying feather what I'm eating or not eating. And, when I see someone choosing healthy foods I usually think "Good for them. Good luck" Or when I see someone heavy jogging I'm thinking "wow, they are really doing it" instead of just thinking about it like me!
Ashamed of failure, then? But it's not really failure. Not unless I give up. And I haven't done that yet. I've lost and gained a lot of weight. Surely over 100lbs. I've learned a lot during that process and I'm using as many tricks as I have up my sleeve this time round to work these changes into the fiber of my everyday life. So, who cares what I'm eating at my brother's house? JUST ME! Today I'll accept that I overate last night. I'll take some extra time on my walk to go farther and think about what I'm grateful for. And I'll let myself feel whatever it is I feel. But as my perspective changes, my feelings change. And as I keep moving in the right direction and acting on the habits I want to learn, I believe that I will loose the shame of trying and failing and trying again. In fact, trying again is something I can be proud of.
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