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Monday, September 02, 2013

Welp in 7 days I will be 33...

I have had a LOT of stress lately and hadn't made the time to get online and blog which is bad because it was a help at my stress.

I'll do my best to try to log into here daily and write. I need the relief.

my biggest stresses are both my uncles moms bro and dads bro both have terminal cancer.
dads bro has it in his lungs and his bones and im not sure what moms bro is but he is in stage 4.
so neither are expected much time
my hearts just breaking so much for both of my grandmas.
because they have both already lost children and its hard.
to not be able to help them or anyone.

small stresses are my dads idiot girlfriend who is only 34.
is in rehab for being drunk and getting her 3rd dui. and im having to haul her around everywhere and take after my dad while she is there. she has only known my dad for 6 months. he is crazy for supporting this. he was so broke last month he could not afford to buy food. I had to bring him groceries because he was crying and had not eaten in days..

you have no idea how hard it was for me not to laugh and say i told you so because after all the years of abuse my dad did growing up...i lived that moment in my mind growing up hoping for one day...when he was finally weaker then me so i could hurt him to show him how it felt to have someone bigger in power hurt you...but i only cried because no matters how much he hurt me...he is my dad and i love him.
im healed from my abuse. it was so freeing to have that peace.
im an amazing person. i never knew how amazing until i could feed the man who molested me for 15 yrs and feel sadness for his situation and not revenge.
im happy i can KNOW how amazing I am. I knew I was a good person before but I never knew how amazing i truly was until that moment.
It takes a lot of faith and forgiveness and love to get to where I am at today. and only god could have saved me.
thank you god. so much
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