I am not done

I don't want to give up yet. I've been on-again, off-again with food for so long I don't know if I really believe that I can ever change, but I'm not ready to just keep doing the same insane thing for the rest of my life. You make gourmet waffles for your family?
AWESOME. EAT THREE MORE AFTER EVERYONE's IN BED.
You ran today?
NOW SKIP DINNER JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT SH&T WORKS

crazy. Crazycrazycrazy.
For whatever reason, I am not right with food. And, to make a magic combination I don't really want to take advice on how to do it. I keep trying to think up my own way of doing it. But seems like my own way eventually involves eating half a pie and stocking my fridge with comfort foods. And the sneaking of food. I am a total sneak. And then I'm like "WHA?! I GAINED BACK THOSE FIVE POUNDS? I'LL NEVER BE SKINNY"

True, really. I will never stay skinny skipping dinner between pie binges. Both extremes feel like punishment. Why do I love something that hurts so much... Ah, well. Leave that question for the philosophers.

Food worked for a little while after I miscarried and was sad. It worked when I was a kid and felt lonely. But it just isn't working anymore. I had that moment yesterday when I looked in the mirror and I though "My God, is that me?" I had hoped that I was in a heavy phase. I'd snap out of it. Maybe someone else would make the hard changes for me. I'd change. But I arrive at today with an extra third of body weight and d@mmit if the binging doesn't cut it anymore. I have to eat more than ever, faster than ever, to get that feeling of calm. At dinner, I finish my food in about 3 minutes and then I look at my daughter and husband's plates. "I'll need to eat another two platefuls to feel done," I think, and I can't bear to eat it in front of them. I didn't use to have to eat this much.

It isn't working as well. And it hurts when I'm doing it. Sometimes my body hurts. My stomach is painfully full, I feel sick. I sweat when I'm eating. When I starve my head hurts. But my heart hurts. It isn't right to do this, in this way, over and over.

I need help! That's why I'm back at SP. All this failure has made me ready to take advice.